


If You Love Yourself

by bealovelylady



Series: First Times (SouMako fics) [6]
Category: Free!
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, F/M, Halloween Costumes, Handsome Jock Sousuke, House Party, M/M, Nerd Boy Makoto, One Night Stands, Self Confidence Issues, Strip Tease
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-06-30 12:37:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 50,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19853338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bealovelylady/pseuds/bealovelylady
Summary: Gou smirked over the pillow she laid on, grinning at Makoto who stood awkwardly in the middle of his college dorm room. He pulled on the tiny shorts she’d forced on him, though that did zero good at all. She’d even found a thong for him, the straps which she’d pulled up over his hips and above the shorts; he tucked them down again self-consciously, even if it was now less fabric covering his body.“Seriously, I don’t get why you have such a complex about yourself, Mako,” Gou said as she slipped off her bed and sidled up to her best friend. “Your body is gorgeous.”Makoto pressed nervously at his thick glasses and coughed awkwardly. She reached up and clicked her tongue.“I know you have contacts.”“Listen, Gou, this is a terrible idea,” Makoto whimpered weakly, but she was ready with her practiced rebuttal of, “It’s Halloween, Makoto! And you know who will be at this party, right?”





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically Makoto has a lot of anxieties and terrible self-confidence and Gou is doing everything she can, and then there’s Sousuke, who’s pretty much an angel <3

Gou smirked over the pillow she laid on, grinning at Makoto who stood awkwardly in the middle of his college dorm room. He pulled on the tiny shorts she’d forced on him, though that did zero good at all. She’d even found a thong for him, the straps which she’d pulled up over his hips and above the shorts; he tucked them down again self-consciously, even if it was now less fabric covering his body. 

“Seriously, I don’t get why you have such a complex about yourself, Mako,” Gou said as she slipped off her bed and sidled up to her best friend. “Your body is gorgeous.”

Makoto pressed nervously at his thick glasses and coughed awkwardly. She reached up and clicked her tongue. 

“I know you have contacts.”

“Listen, Gou, this is a terrible idea,” Makoto whimpered weakly, but she was ready with her practiced rebuttal of, “It’s Halloween, Makoto! And you know who will be at this party, right?”

Makoto burned red, air hitting his bare chest, arms, and legs. Gou had taken charge of him a week ago, when she’d received an invite to a party at one of the big frat houses on the hill above their college. One of the rich kids was throwing a party there and all the most famous people in the school were invited; Makoto wasn’t sure how Gou had gotten in at all, though she seemed the type to easily attract the attention of the dudebros and douches, with her gorgeous face and perfect curves. Still, she unashamedly hung around with Makoto, and he couldn’t ever thank her enough for sticking by his side. 

Except for now. Now he regretted her undying friendship. With her psychic mind powers, it hadn’t taken her too long to figure out that Makoto had a mad crush on one of the members of the Alpha Sigma Phi fraternity, the head quarterback for their football team, and one of the hottest items on campus. Well, most everyone had a crush on the man, but Makoto’s was an especially hopeless case. He had achieved maximum nerd status in college, and most people didn’t recognize him from a fly on the wall, so Makoto spent most of his time in the library, wearing nerdy shirts, baggy hoodies, and thick glasses. Despite his tall build and impressive musculature, which he got from doing track, he was the epitome of a nerd, and no one paid any attention to him. He’d always been this way, he was used to it. It had given him a lot of weird complexes about himself, which Gou had always been determined to battle head on. This plan was her wildest yet, though, and Makoto was, in a word, _uncomfy_. 

The outfit Gou had procured from god-knows-where was a skimpy, tiny black thing, with minuscule shorts and a barely-there crop top. She had waved cat ears and a pin-on tail at him earlier, but he still wasn’t brave enough to tread that far. 

“No one will recognize you,” Gou said, upbeat as ever, and Makoto thought that statement was both a blessing and a curse. When this was all over, would he be able to hide again in his oversized sweaters and jeans? “Just pretend you’re someone who likes to have fun!”

Gou gave a twirl of her own outfit, a tight little nurse dress, the top popped open to show off her round boobs, the tight fabric hugging her tiny waist and voluptuous ass. His only solace so far was that if she stuck by him all night, no one would give him a second glance. 

His vision blurred a second later when Gou snatched his tortoise shell glasses away and pushed him towards the bathroom. “Come on, Mako, please. This could be such a fun night for you if you would stop being a wet blanket. Do you want a shot before we go to boost your confidence? How about you look in the mirror first and we’ll go from there.”

Twenty minutes later, Makoto fighting furiously with his contacts, which always seemed to want to be left out of his eyes, he finally looked up at the mirror before him, hands clutching the sides of the sink. Even he barely recognized himself; he didn’t made it a habit to look in mirrors, since usually the view was disappointing to say the least. He stood up a little taller and tried to see himself the way Gou did, when her eyes sparkled as she talked about his muscles by their scientific names. It felt useless though. He felt as uncomfortable as he looked, and he couldn’t see past his own glaring flaws, and the fact that he felt like he was trying too hard to be someone he wasn’t. He sank to the toilet seat just as Gou came in. She didn’t say a word as she took in his defeated posture, pushing the headband with the cat ears into his messy hair, reaching silently for some gel to fix it up. When she was done, she squatted down and looked up at her best friend, her hands soothingly rubbing his shoulders. 

“You’re so handsome, Makoto, and you don’t even have to try so hard. I wish you would see what I see. You’ve even got this really cute charm with your glasses, but you refuse to see it.” Her hand came up from his shoulder and rubbed at his cheek. “Will you just believe me for one night and come have some fun? I swear I will do everything in my power to score you some time with him-“

Green eyes darted up and stared into Gou’s deep red. She smiled warmly at him, encouragingly, and he thought that after all this trouble, the least he could do was give it a chance. He wanted to feel some excitement in his humdrum life, he wanted that college experience, even if it left him hungover as hell and with a questionable pain in his ass from a night with a hot stranger. It would take copious amounts of alcohol to get him to even a small level of confidence, but he thought he was willing, just for one night, to try. 

“Okay,” he whispered, and Gou lit up like a tree on Christmas morning, jumping up and kissing him unceremoniously. She shuffled around him, telling him he just needed a few more touches as she added some gloss to his lips and highlight to his cheekbones, pinning his tail on and adding unnecessary bows to it and his ears. She pulled him up and sprayed him down with perfume, fruity as all hell, but he couldn’t deny he looked all right and he was even starting to get a little excited. His shorts were still too small, too much skin showing and his bulge too obvious even in the black, but when Gou pulled up the straps of his thong again, he left them, and took her hand as she lead him outside and into a brave new world. 

x

The house was a bit of a walk, but the whole grounds were milling with students in similar states of dress, so no one really paid them any mind. Gou would sometimes laugh aloud in excitement, squeezing Makoto’s hand to give him his own burst of nervous excitement. By the time they made it to the party house, he was see-sawing between throwing up and laughing out loud too. 

The music was loud and felt like a tangible thing as it wrapped around them. Gou maneuvered through packed crowds and gyrating people to get to the kitchen, where a large buffet of alcohol was laid out for them to consume. Unsurprisingly, Gou made friends with the first guy she saw, who seemed to be some kind of unofficial bartender, his dark orange hair combed back, awful fake fangs making him nearly unintelligible, but Gou laughed at his jokes and smacked his bicep and he was soon mixing them two drinks. Makoto awkwardly stood behind her as she flirted a little more, the guy’s eyes going wide and hopeful, but then she thanked him with a wink and tugged Makoto along after her. It was the first time someone had ever looked at Makoto with actual jealousy in their eyes, and not just envy that he was the best friend that she clung to. He flushed bright red and turned away to hide his quake-y smile as Gou tugged him into the main part of the house. People were crowded together, dancing, drinking, laughing, but it all seemed a blur to Makoto. He was grateful when Gou pulled him close and urged him to drink by tipping his cup up to his lips, grinning as she began dancing against him. Someone bumped against her back and he wrapped a protective hand around her, which made her croon up at him, eyes batting her fake lashes obnoxiously as she grinned. Despite his reservations, he was getting into it. Whoever had picked the music had chosen well, some good EDM, and not that cheap pop stuff they usually played. He consumed his whole drink and Gou yelled that she’d get some more as she handed him off to a guy who had been surprisingly eyeing him up. She laughed at his horror, as the guy with pink hair took her spot. His hands immediately pressed to Makoto’s bare skin and he smiled seductively as he began grinding on the taller man. Makoto swallowed, so unsure of what to do, but the alcohol was giving him the confidence to at least show he enjoyed this. He slid his hands to the guy’s sides, as the other leaned up and yelled, “Kisumi!”

Makoto stared at him in wide-eyed horror, the other still dancing and grinning. 

“No, I don’t think-“ began Makoto as his mind raced, but the pink-haired guy tossed his head back and howled, obviously a bit drunk, and then he grabbed around Makoto’s neck and pulled him down, yelling up at him, “No, that’s my name! But now that you mention it, I wouldn’t mind-“

Makoto burned bright red and Kisumi laughed again, pulling his body tight to Makoto’s. 

“I’ve never seen you around! Do you do sports or is your body just naturally this fabulous?”

Makoto shook his head, not sure how to answer the man, but Kisumi just laughed. 

“It doesn’t matter, anyways. I’ll win you over slowly, handsome.”

Kisumi flipped around and ground his ass against Makoto’s crotch, the brunet giving a squeak of response as his body heated up. Kisumi dragged his hands to cup around his groin, slinking his own arms up and backwards around Makoto’s neck as he ground himself against the bewildered college sophomore. 

“Wanna get another drink?” Kisumi yelled up again when he turned his lips up to Makoto’s ear, the brunet automatically leaning his ear down. A hand grabbed at his and Kisumi dragged him off before he could really respond, but he thought he could do with another drink anyways. Gou was nowhere to be found when they approached the drinks table, but neither was the bartender from before; Makoto didn’t have the brain capacity to think too hard about it. Kisumi mixed himself something and let Makoto taste it; it was good and fruity, strong but not tasting like it, and he nodded, so Kisumi mixed him the same thing. They knocked their red cups together, Kisumi downing his drink while Makoto slowly drank from his. He saw the pink-haired male set his empty cup down and felt him wrap an arm around Makoto’s waist, pulling himself closer as he began kissing at Makoto’s collarbone. Makoto shivered into his drink and tipped it back, looking down at Kisumi, whose eyes were a little less focused now, his smile a little too big. Makoto’s own head was beginning to feel fuzzy, and he didn’t think he wanted to stop Kisumi as the man began suctioning at his neck. He slipped his free hand over Kisumi’s ass, and noticed for the first time that he wore a cheerleader outfit, skirt and everything. Makoto wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or Kisumi himself, but god, that was cute. He pulled the other unconsciously closer, felt Kisumi preen against his neck. 

His eyes lazily scanned the room as his mind floated on pleasant thoughts, Kisumi grinding his erection against Makoto’s half-stiffy, and he slowly drained his cup. He could feel the alcohol, but the lack of its taste left him easily downing the whole thing. In the next room over, he caught sight of familiar redhead and a nurse outfit, and he blinked in surprise when he noticed his best friend was cradled over the lap of Mr. Bartender, her hands mussing up his hair as he kissed her like there was no tomorrow. His hand was pulling up her skirt and fondling her ass, and Gou arched into his touch. Makoto pulled his eyes away, blushing wildly. He caught Kisumi’s pretty eyes and the other grinned at him with pink lips. When the pink haired beauty pulled him down, Makoto let himself get sucked into the kiss. Kisumi keened excitedly, hands tightening on Makoto as Makoto himself hugged him close, and he let himself get lost in the sensations. It didn’t even matter that this was some stranger he’d just met, Kisumi was fantastic with his mouth and tongue, and Makoto, in an alcohol-induced buzz, lifted the man easily up and set him on a bottle-crowded counter, stepping between his slim legs as Kisumi moaned into his mouth. They pressed together, Makoto’s hands slipping up smooth thighs, not really thinking, just following his body as his fingers reached the edge of boxer briefs and he paused, fingertips caressing over the fabric. Kisumi preened, curling against his chest as he linked his tongue with Makoto’s, pulling it out so they could dance their tongues around in the open air. 

Makoto was so lost in the kiss and in Kisumi that he barely noticed the music being abruptly turned down and someone way too loud and excited yelling into a microphone. 

“It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for, folks, the annual parade of our school’s hottest guys!” Loud, raucous cheers and screams filled the air, and Makoto cracked an eye open over Kisumi’s shoulder. On the stairs stood a smaller version of Mr. Bartender, gripping a microphone like his life depended on it, grinning from ear to ear as he swayed over the banister, six or seven steps up from the crowds. He wore a sexy fireman outfit, “dirt” smeared across his face. Kisumi pulled back as Makoto’s attention shifted, grinning up at the brunet. 

“Oh, this part is always the best. Don’t you need to be up there?” Kisumi flirted shamelessly, and Makoto slowly shook his head in confusion. Kisumi laughed and whispered, “Just wait, you stud. You’re gonna be fucking _hard_ after this.” 

He licked at his lips and curled his hand against Makoto’s neck for just a second, before jumping down and turning, pulling Makoto to his back and arms around him. His green eyes shifted first down to Kisumi’s mess of pink hair, which he felt the sudden urge to kiss, before nestling his chin to the top of his soft head and looking back over to the stairs. Kisumi smelled really good, and he fit so nicely in his arms. From the corner of his eye, he noticed Gou sitting up to pay attention, noticing him and tossing him a wide grin and a thumbs up. Makoto blushed and nuzzled Kisumi’s soft hair, the other man’s hands sliding up his arms and squeezing at his biceps. 

On the stairs, Mr. Mini Bartender was stirring the crowd up, someone in the corner trying to get the right track to play. When it kicked on, the redhead yelped and proclaimed, “Let’s get this party _on_!”

Loud bass thumped through the house and the guy on the stairs pushed the mic closer to his lips as he began announcing names in a deeper voice. Slowly, one by one, guys started making their way down the stairs. They’d stop and flex, or show off their ass or abs, the crowd hooting and hollering so loud it was deafening. Makoto recognized most of the guys as other frat members or sports players from school. They would melt into the crowd by the stairs and girls would scream, people flocking to them for the possibility to be chosen for a dance or something more. The bass pounded on and the screams became part of the din of the house; Kisumi was squirming with excitement in Makoto’s arms, rolling his ass against Makoto’s cock, crooning up at the taller man. Makoto, in a haze of alcohol-induced happiness, tilted down and kissed at Kisumi’s ears and neck, giggling when the other man responded enthusiastically. He got so caught up in the other again that when the redhead on the stairs cried out, “Last, but certainly not least, Mr. Hot Stuff himself, three years in a row, y’all put your hands up-“, he didn’t even register the way the mood in the crowd shifted in great anticipation. Everyone went almost deadly silent, and even Kisumi seized up in excitement. 

“Ladies and gents, the one, the only- Yamazaki Sousuke!”

Makoto’s lips parted from Kisumi’s skin with a gasp and his whole head shot upwards, giving it a rush of lightheadedness. Hands shot up everywhere and people lost their minds as a foot appeared, someone slinking slowly down the stairs. Bulging calves and sleek legs, thick thighs cut off by the smallest navy shorts. Over his thick torso was wrapped a navy button up, until it became clear from the gun holster and handcuffs that he was dressed as a cop. His bulging arms came into view next and people lost their shit, Makoto’s cock trembling in anticipation now with no hopes of playing it off. Yamazaki Sousuke’s head cleared the top of the stairs, his thick fingers curled around the brim of his cop hat as he pulled it low over his brow. He descended with this masculine slink that just screamed overflowing confidence, like it was all he had to do, and it was. Makoto was almost disappointed that that was all until Sousuke stopped in the middle of the stairs, the redhead scrambling off into the crowd. He whipped his arm out and pointed his finger to the DJ, and suddenly a loud, sexy song began pounding through the speakers. Everyone lost their minds again, and Makoto caught a flash of Sousuke’s wide grin before he turned around and rolled his back, his ass popping out. Makoto actually groaned, Kisumi giggling and grinding harder against him. Makoto bit down on Kisumi’s uniform to try to contain himself. He could feel red eyes drilling into him, Gou laughing gleefully off to the side. 

Sousuke grabbed the banister and dipped down, ass out, slowly rising back up with his other hand on his bare legs. He twerked a little, like it was super fun for him, and Makoto couldn’t imagine why not when he looked like that. Next Sousuke spun around and tossed one leg over the banister, his bulge huge as he leaned into it. His leg itself was impressive, and then he began gyrating like it was a stripper pole, slowly unbuttoning his shirt from the top. A strip tease were exactly the right words to describe what was happening, as Sousuke would pause to pull at his shirt and show off small hints of skin and muscle. Slowly, slowly, he opened up his shirt, sometimes dipping down to a wide-legged squat, other times turning around and shaking his ass as he dipped over at the waist. He was halfway down his shirt and Makoto could see his fat pecs now, glistening almost. He tossed his hat aside and combed his hair back, glitter and oil shimmering off his face and skin. Finally he popped the last button and in one wild motion, he pulled his shirt off his shoulders and even Makoto screamed, pressing his erection hard against Kisumi’s ass as the man cheered in wild excitement too. Sousuke tossed his shirt into the crowd and someone caught it, and there he stood, moving his hips to the tempo of the music, slow, sensual rolls, his pecs dancing a little too as his abs and arms flexed. He posed this way and that, but Makoto was so fucking hard for this man that he couldn’t breathe. 

There he was, the man that Makoto had spent the last two years pining after. He was still far away, but closer than Makoto had ever been to him, and he couldn’t help the way his heart raced, alcohol making him braver than he ought to be as he whispered hoarsely, “Fuck...”

Kisumi laughed, tugging at his hand, grinning. “Wanna go?” he called, and it was like the sweetest invitation. Makoto nodded, letting Kisumi and his feet drag him forward, closer, closer. Sousuke was moving into the crowd now, people at first parting and then surging around him. He stood a head taller than almost everyone, and Makoto could see him perfectly well with his own taller vantage point. Kisumi gripped his hand tighter as the encountered the wall of party-goers, as they waded deeper in. The music changed, and people began dancing, Kisumi pulling Makoto to his back as the two slowly danced their way closer to Sousuke. The man was greeting everyone and letting them touch him, but he never stayed long in one place as he kept moving through the crowd. Makoto could see that at this point Sousuke would just pass them by, and his gut curled in bitter disappointment. He clenched Kisumi’s hand and the other reacted, pushing himself up on tippy toes as he tossed his head back and screamed, “Sousuke, over here~!”

Breathtaking, piercing aqua eyes slammed towards Kisumi and the pink-haired male yelped and waved his hand frantically, waving Sousuke over. Aqua eyes dipped down again when someone else called for his attention, but they snapped right back up, and Sousuke grinned at Kisumi, blowing him a kiss and a wink. Kisumi screamed and waved his hands in excitement, Makoto’s hand still in one of his, and that’s when those gorgeous eyes slipped up to Makoto’s face and he absolutely froze. The whole world stopped around him, as his own eyes drank in all of the beauty that was Yamazaki Sousuke, as his eyes locked with Sousuke’s and everything else ceased to be. 

A dark eyebrow quirked up and a tiny smile tugged at one corner of the dark haired man’s lips as he in turn took in Makoto. Sousuke gave him another wink, slow motion this time, and his lips formed around the word, “Hey.” Makoto felt like this was it; this was the pinnacle moment of his life, and all too soon it would be over. Someone tugged at Sousuke’s arm, dragging him the other way, but Sousuke kept looking at Makoto until he was forced to pay attention to those around him again. It was only a few seconds, but Makoto’s whole heart had stopped beating, had wormed its way into his throat, and now that Sousuke wasn’t looking anymore, it was hammering away at an insane pace. Makoto sank against Kisumi, who laughed in his ear as he hugged Makoto to him. 

“Come on,” he giggled as he hauled Makoto back to the drinks table, as he poured them two more drinks and then dragged him through the room Gou was in. She stood and pulled the bartender along with her, calling, “Mako, baby!”

He pulled Kisumi to a stop and let Gou collide with his chest. She hugged him tight and then fiercely tugged his chin down. Into his ear, she commanded, “Don’t you fucking leave this place without getting some action from Sousuke. I’ll kill you.” 

Then she pulled away and patted his cheek, turning back into the arms and lips of the red headed bartender, who hauled her away to the stairs and up into an empty room upstairs. Kisumi curled against his chest, distracting him once more. and asked, “Ready?”

“Where are we going?”

“There’s some rooms in the back that are designated to the guys from the show, where they mingle.”

Makoto didn’t have to hear much more; he nodded wildly, even as Kisumi turned and called, “It’s super hard to get chosen by one of them at the end of the night, but it’s worth it!”

Makoto drank from his drink and determined to be optimistic and bold about it, even if it was mostly fueled by the desire to avoid Gou’s wrath in the morning. The redheaded, mini bartender stood before a closed door down the hall, holding off screaming party-goers with a giant wooden paddle, the fraternity’s Greek letters emblazoned on it. 

“Everyone gets a chance, but y’all need to back the fuck up and chill. The guys will have glitter pens, and if you get marked, you can stay another round. Every round lasts ten minutes, so make it count! If you get caught trying to stay past another round when you haven’t been chosen, you’ll be put on the ban list and won’t get back next year!”

Makoto blinked in confusion down at Kisumi, but the other just grinned and flashed him his thumbs up. 

“Twenty-five of ya’ll at a time can go in, and every ten minutes we’ll let in more, according to how many come out. Everyone- _get in a fucking line!_ ”

The whole crowd shifted into a wobbly line inside the hallway, Makoto and Kisumi getting pulled into place. They were a ways down, since they’d gotten here late. Makoto frowned and slowly leaned against the wall beside him. Kisumi leaned against him, sipping at his drink and every once in a while turning to smile up at Makoto. The redhead had just gotten everyone into order when screams started from the back of the line. At the end of the hallway, a line of men were making their way towards the rooms where the redhead stood. Makoto could name them all:

Nanase Haruka, Matsuoka Rin, Kirishima Ikuya and Natsuya, Tono Hiyori, and Serizawa Nao; and finally, trailing behind them all like the king he was, was Yamazaki Sousuke. 

Makoto couldn’t take his eyes off the man as he walked towards them, aqua eyes drifting around until they settled on Makoto, and he inhaled sharply. Kisumi squealed and reached out for Sousuke, the other taking his hand and smiling at the two. He paused then and glanced over at the redhead at the head of the line. “Hey, Momo!”

Golden eyes snapped up and the guy named Momo yelled, “What?”

“Toss me a pen,” he said with an easy confidence that was so hot that it made Makoto’s blood heat up. 

“You can’t-“ Momo was saying, people in line already beginning to whisper and complain, but one sharp look from Sousuke silenced them all. 

“Everyone gets a chance,” he repeated blandly, a mimic of Momo from earlier as he blindly caught the pen someone tossed him and grinned up at Kisumi and Makoto. He uncapped the glitter pen he’d been tossed, marking first Kisumi’s arm, then leaning up to draw a heart on Makoto’s cheek. The glitter was cold against his hot cheek, a little sticky, but Makoto couldn’t think past how close Sousuke was to him. He’d put on his shirt again, lazily buttoned halfway up, and it parted now to show Makoto a glimpse of the prize. He pushed away from them and walked forward, Momo sighing wearily at the front of the line. 

“Come on, you two,” he called, and Makoto had to point at himself in shock to figure out if the man meant them. Kisumi just laughed and pulled Makoto to the front of the line with him. Hiyori stepped from the group of guys and smacked Kisumi’s rear lightly into the room before them, and Makoto watched as Kisumi slipped away between the other guys making their way inside. Momo motioned him to follow, but it wasn’t until Sousuke stepped inside and waved him in that Makoto could move. Behind him, Momo was yelling for order as the crowd started up again, and Sousuke yelled over Makoto’s head that if anyone didn’t like it, they could leave now. Silence fell once again, and Sousuke grinned down at Makoto as he took hold of his elbow and led him inside. 

“Want a drink before it gets crazy?”

Sousuke’s voice, calm and low as it was, seemed to silence any other sound. Makoto nodded woodenly, glancing over to see that Kisumi was already making himself very at home with the other guys, flirting up a storm and hands darting around to touch. 

“Ah, why-“ Makoto began to ask as he jerked his head back to Sousuke, but the other pushed a drink into his hand and just gave him a wink in response. He didn’t have the chance to ask again; a group of newcomers flooded into the room and suddenly the space seemed far too small. Makoto found himself pressed to the wall as Sousuke was pulled to the middle of the room, and he wished he could get his knees to stop shaking so he could force his way back to Sousuke’s side. 

All too soon, the whistle sounded, disappointed groans filling the room as everyone without a glitter pen mark was hustled out. Makoto gathered himself and ran across the room to one of the couches, Sousuke sitting in the middle, Noa on one side and Rin next to him on the other, a few girls and some guys trying to vie for their attention. Makoto spotted Kisumi on Natsuya’s lap, arm draped around his neck, having the time of his life, and he took a long drink from his cup before stepping closer to the couch. He wasn’t sure where he should sit, the couch already pretty crowded, and he was staring at a small ottoman to the side when a hand reached out and yanked him forward. Rin was looking up at him with a shark-like grin, pulling him towards the couch and onto his lap. 

“Come here,” he laughed as he tugged Makoto’s arm up, drawing a lazy x on Makoto’s bicep with his red glitter pen. Makoto’s legs were awkwardly splayed over Rin’s bare legs, and he blinked in confusion at the red head as Sousuke’s eyes swiveled towards him. 

“I saw him first, Rin,” Sousuke warned, but the other waved him off. 

“Shouldn’t have let him get away,” Rin said with a grin as he curled an arm around Makoto’s waist. He didn’t seem to care that Makoto towered over him in this position. The girl directly behind them huffed and moved over to where Haru stood by the drinks table. It gave Makoto the room to slip down to the couch, Rin pulling his legs up and holding them to his lap as a new wave of people came into the room. Makoto watched in slight terror as people crowded and Rin grabbed random people to kiss them and mark them with his pen. The next round of people split between those who’d been chosen to stay and those not, and Makoto felt a weight against his back as the couch shifted behind him. 

Kisumi leaned against him and looked over his shoulder, pressing a kiss to his cheek as Makoto felt an arm press against his back as it wrapped around Kisumi’s waist. Behind Kisumi sat Natsuya, grinning up at Kisumi like he was star-struck. 

“Natsuya, you look like you haven’t used your pen even once!” scolded Nao from the other side of Sousuke. Rumor had it these two were dating, and Makoto found it startling when Natsuya looked from Kisumi to Nao with the same adoring look in his eyes, as he leaned over Makoto and Rin and Sousuke to place a kiss on the light-haired male’s lips. 

“So?” he said coyly as Kisumi chirped up, “He really hasn’t! I don’t even know what color it is!”

Natsuya sat back and produced his pen. 

“Every year, Natsuya picks one guy and that’s it for the night,” Sousuke scolded fondly. 

“Hyper focus,” agreed Rin, and Nao just shook his head, though his smile said he found it endearing. Makoto glanced wide-eyed up at Kisumi like he wanted to know how this thing was going to pan out for him, but Kisumi just grinned and gave him another kiss, as if to say, “The more, the merrier, Makoto.”

He crooned and giggled then as Natsuya began drawing on his bare skin with his orange glitter pen, sinking against the other in a fit of giggles and kisses. Another round of people filed in, but Makoto couldn’t even focus on what was happening around him as Rin’s fingers started playing mindlessly with the string of his thong. Someone pressed another drink into his hand and he looked up just in time to see Sousuke smiling before he sat down again. He leaned over to whisper something to Rin, his hand creeping up Makoto’s leg. Rin pulled back and yelped, baring his teeth at his friend. “He’s mine!”

Sousuke just laughed and looked up at Makoto, leaning in closer to him. 

“Hey, baby doll, wanna come see me for a bit?” His warm hand moved up Makoto’s thigh and threaded between his fingers, tugging Makoto closer. It wasn’t like Makoto needed even this much encouragement. 

“Sou, that’s no fair and you know it! You always win this-“ Rin was complaining even as Sousuke laughed, helping Makoto shuffle to his lap, catching him around the waist and lifting him closer. Rin grabbed around Makoto’s waist too, though, and forced him down between the two. Sousuke just tightened the arm around his waist and pulled Makoto’s legs over his lap as he grinned around his bulky frame at Rin. 

“We can share, Rin, darling,” he cooed, playfully. Makoto burned as he was caught between the two. Even in his inebriated state, he knew this would have never happened to him before; to think two guys like these two would be vying for him. No, not even two. Kisumi had been glued to him basically all night as well. He couldn’t even imagine how this was all happening, and he was so lost in his thoughts that he moaned unashamedly loud when Sousuke latched his lips to his neck. Behind him, Rin cried out in intense interest at the sound Makoto made. 

“Drink up, cutie,” husked Sousuke with a grin as he pulled back from Makoto’s neck, his arm still possessively around his waist even as he turned to greet newcomers. At some point, Natsuya dragged Kisumi up and reached for Nao, walking the two off to god-knows-where, Kisumi practically undressing himself as they went in his excitement. Makoto burned as he watched his new friend go, watched Kisumi wave at him and toss him kisses and thumbs up before disappearing with the other two. Hiyori took Nao’s place with a girl wrapped against him, leaning into Sousuke’s side, and Rin’s lap was once again occupied as he pulled Haru to it. Rounds went and slowly the crowd around them dwindled down. Rin was making out with a small guy with black hair, looking way too much like Haru to be anything but obvious, Haru watching them with an unfazed expression. When Haru pulled the guy up by the chin and started making out with him instead, Rin yelled in excitement and egged the two on with sexy cooes and flirty lines. On the other side, Hiyori had the girl in his lap practically naked, marking her all over with his glitter pen. He kissed and licked down her chest and she craned up, hands grabbing at Sousuke, eyes focused suddenly on him. The tall man blinked down at her and smiled slowly. 

“Hey,” he called suavely, and she gave a moan like she was orgasming right then and there. Sousuke laughed and Makoto watched with wide eyes and terribly mixed feelings as Sousuke kissed her. His stomach turned and sank and he wanted to shrivel up and curl away, even knowing he had no right at all to feel this way. This was absolutely the problem, he thought as he blearily chugged at his alcohol; he got too attached, never able to recognize the game for something other than commitment. It was why his past few relationships had failed and he’d sunk into the nerd life hardcore, because he got way too attached and clingy and over-jealous, not to even mention his own idiosyncrasies and problems that always cropped up. 

He finished his drink and slowly started peeling himself away from Sousuke, but the man grinned and yanked him back, eyes alive like the ocean as he stared in disbelief at Makoto. “Where were you going?” he barked at Makoto, eyes digging into him and not letting go. 

Makoto shivered and lied that he wanted another drink; Sousuke slowly released him, eyes ever watchful. Makoto stood up and Sousuke leaned back, looking like he was prepared to not let his eyes off of Makoto for even a second as he went. 

“Get me one too,” he said with a parting smack to Makoto’s ass, and all he could do was wobble away on shaky legs towards the table with drinks. There were only a few things left, and Makoto didn’t know the first thing about mixing alcohol, so he grabbed the half-empty bottle of coconut rum and a lukewarm bottle of pineapple juice and carried them back with him, unsure. Sousuke was still watching him, smiling now like Makoto was the cutest thing on two legs, and he opened his arm to welcome Makoto back to his lap. At some point, while Makoto wasn’t looking, Hiyori and the girl had left the room, and Rin had pulled the boy that looked like Haru onto his lap between him and Haru, the two making open advances on him right next to Sousuke. 

The guy in Rin’s lap reached for Sousuke, grabbing at his cheek and was trying to pull him in for a kiss. Makoto’s heart seized in his chest, and he hugged the two bottles he held to his chest. Sousuke’s eyes watched him, took in the stilling of his legs. He didn’t even glance at the boy vying for his attention, simply flicked off his hand and impatiently leaned forward, motioning Makoto to come. His eyes gave Makoto no choice, let alone his heart, as it thrilled at the way Sousuke was so singularly focused on him. When Makoto was close enough, Sousuke looped a finger into the waistband of his shorts and tugged the brunet back into his arms. He grinned, smiling again as soon as Makoto was back in his arms. 

“What did you bring me?” he crooned to Makoto as he kissed his forehead and cheeks, pushing his hair back. He wrapped his arm around Makoto’s back and took the bottles from him, easily mixing the rest of the alcohol into the juice bottle and taking a long swig, the alcohol bottle dropping down to the floor at his feet. He pulled the juice bottle back and licked his lips, looking up at Makoto as he grinned again. 

He tugged Makoto’s face down and kissed him, pulling back a little only to murmur, “Yummy.”

“Want some?” he asked as he pushed the bottle into Makoto’s hands, and the brunet took it in two hands, tilting it up to chug a few big gulps; Sousuke laughed as he nuzzled against his neck. Makoto pulled the bottle back down and licked slowly, discreetly at the rim; he couldn’t taste Sousuke there but he knew his lips had left some traces behind on the plastic, and then he handed it back to Sousuke, who downed the rest. 

Sousuke tossed the empty bottle away and then roughly pulled Makoto down into a deep kiss, licking at the juice and alcohol on his lips, licking over his teeth and inside his cheeks. He curled their tongues together as he pulled Makoto closer. 

“I’ve never seen you before,” he said, voice huskier now as he pulled back a little, pulling Makoto’s ass between his legs and hugging him. “Freshman?” he asked.

Makoto shook his head, recalling Kisumi’s same question, but Sousuke seemed more focused on getting an answer.

“What’s your name?” Sousuke asked next with a crooked grin, Makoto shaking his head once more. He couldn’t tell Sousuke. He wasn’t sure why, but he didn’t want anyone to come around later and connect this brazen, hot guy with the weird, nerdy bookworm he usually was. Especially not Sousuke, though he doubted the man would come looking. He wanted this to be one good thing tonight, and so he shook his head again, keening softly as he carefully took Sousuke’s face in his hands. _Be brave._

“What’s this? Being mysterious?” At first, Sousuke was smiling, but then his face turned serious as he said, “Don’t worry, I’ll get it out of you.”

As a confirmation to his promise, Sousuke slipped his hand under Makoto’s shirt and thumbed at his erect nipple, sending Makoto arching his back, melting as he keened against Sousuke’s cheek. Sousuke grabbed the other man tight and stood, swaying a little on his feet but holding Makoto securely, and he made his way outside the room and up the stairs in the main area. The party had mostly dwindled down, those remaining too drunk or engaged otherwise to care about the two of them. Makoto didn’t see Gou anywhere, not until they walked past a partially opened door and he spotted her head of red hair splayed over a bare chest. He buried his face in Sousuke’s neck and shivered in excitement for his own adventure that was about to begin. Sousuke hugged him closer, stepping into a room at the end of the hall. A couple was lazily making out on an armchair, and Sousuke barked at them to get out. They scurried away and the door shut behind them, bathing the two left inside in soft yellow light from the window. Makoto glanced up at Sousuke, who was watching him again. 

“I’ll get all of your little secrets out of you,” Sousuke promised again as he dropped Makoto to the bed. The air was cool around them, and the sheets unruffled beneath them. Makoto was glad to know no one had touched this space. Sousuke stared at him for a long moment before tugging off his shirt, removing his cuffs and gun holster, his belt and his shorts. Under it all, he wore navy briefs, and he was insanely handsome, all glistening, tan skin and rippling muscles. He noticed Makoto’s own staring, reveled in it for a wild moment as he rubbed his hands over himself, spreading glitter and oil around. 

“Fuck,” husked Makoto, the truest words he’d spoken in a long while, and Sousuke grinned at him. He pounced and murmured, “Now it’s your turn.”

He stripped Makoto with no more fanfare, making love to his pale body as he went, kissing and licking him everywhere. 

“You act like you’re not a fucking gorgeous sight yourself,” husked Sousuke as he pulled back, glitter on his lips now from where he’d kissed the pen marks on Makoto’s skin. The brunet giggled and reached up to swipe it away, feeling emboldened by Sousuke himself and the alcohol racing through his veins. Sousuke kissed his thumb, his eyes swimming with hazy lust as he looked down at Makoto’s body below his own. A slow, large hand pressed over Makoto’s bare hip bone, caressing upwards as Sousuke leaned back in to mark up pale skin some more. When he reached the bottom of the crop top, he slid his hand underneath and once again found Makoto’s nipple, teasing it intentionally. Makoto tossed his head back and crooned against the back of his hand, gasping at the cool air that was slowly heating up. He barely noticed Sousuke’s skillful hands as one unbuttoned his shorts and pressed down inside them to wiggle them off. He pulled away from Makoto and set two hands to the task when one wasn’t getting it done fast enough, and Makoto peered at him over the hand covering his mouth. He watched with wide eyes, afraid, as Sousuke removed his shorts in one go, his cock shivering against the cool air it met through thin panties. Sousuke sat back on his haunches and covered his own mouth, his eyes traveling over Makoto’s new bared skin. Fear spiked through the brunet’s heart as he squeaked out, “What are you thinking?”

Sousuke shuffled on his legs, his hand slowly dropping away from his face to caress up Makoto’s thigh, sliding gently up to his hip, feeling him. He smiled slowly, eyes glittering as he licked at his lips. His thumb hooked under the left strap of Makoto’s thong and he tugged it upwards as his hand cupped over Makoto’s hip bone once again. And then the dark haired man smirked, glancing up at Makoto as he licked his lips again. 

“I’m thinking you’re gorgeous and I wanna fuck you until you can’t walk straight anymore.”

He said it all in that low, seductive voice, and Makoto trembled against his palm. A finger skated over the outline of his hard cock in the panties he wore, Sousuke biting at his lip. Slowly Makoto sat up, feeling braver from Sousuke staring and his words, wanting the man to see and touch all of him now. He crossed his arms over his chest and gripped at the bottom of his top, Sousuke watching him as he thumbed quietly at Makoto’s hip. He tugged the crop top right off and sighed in relief to be free from it. A warm hand came to hold him at his back and he blinked at Sousuke, who smiled at him, so close. 

Makoto pressed his lips tightly together when he thought of what was happening, how long he’d pined for this man, and now he was here. He reached out carefully to cup his hand over Sousuke’s cheek, stroking slowly along his hairline. The other grinned and snuggled into it, slowly lowering Makoto back down and sliding over top of him, an elbow supporting his weight, his hand at Makoto’s back flexing and feeling him. He breathed out slow and even, his hot breath coasting over Makoto’s lips, so close were they, and Makoto sank his hand into soft, black hair. 

“Kiss me,” he whispered breathlessly. Before he could lose the last of his courage from the alcohol, he asked, “Fuck me.”

Sousuke grinned, relenting so easily that it took Makoto’s breath away. Sweet lips closed over his own and he shut his eyes, losing himself. Sousuke’s hands caressed him, one over his back, and the other down his sides and thighs, and slowly he pulled his thong off, far enough for him to bend Makoto’s knees up and get a finger over his rim. Makoto yelped aloud, shivering, and Sousuke pulled back for a moment. 

“Don’t tell me you’re a virgin,” he said slowly, but Makoto quickly shook his head. 

“It’s just... been a while. And- lube- I think you’ll want some- lube!” The last word came on a high gasp and Sousuke sank his teeth against his neck, sighing in relief. “Sorry,” squeaked Makoto, but Sousuke just laughed against his skin. 

“I was a little worried I would be ruining you tonight by taking your first, so I’m glad. And a little jealous.”

“Don’t be,” said Makoto automatically as he thought of his crummy exes, and he blushed bright red. Sousuke watched him in fascination. 

“Oh, tell me you’ve had terrible lays and I can rock your world tonight, darling,” Sousuke preened. 

Makoto tossed his head back and laughed aloud. When he sobered up, he whispered, “Fuck, Sousuke, nothing could compare to you anyways.” His heart stirred in his chest and he let out a shaky exhale. Sousuke grinned proudly, his chest puffing out a little at Makoto’s words. 

“Fuck, you make me feel good about myself,” he grinned, and Makoto had to wonder if the other really needed it, since all he had to do was look in a mirror, probably. 

At Makoto’s frown, Sousuke thumbed at his lips and kissed them, smiling. “I’ll make you feel good too, baby doll. Just wait and see.” 

He moved off the bed and collected a packet of lube from his shorts and a condom. He pushed Makoto’s legs up and to the side, holding his knees together in one large hand as he leaned over the man, setting to work slowly at his ass. He leaned down and nibbled at it, pressing his nose into Makoto’s fat cheeks, mewling softly. He worked at it with his fingers until Makoto was nearly sobbing into a pillow he’d pulled over his face, and then he sat up, pulling his digits out to remove the pillow and smile down at Makoto. 

“Oh, you’re still wearing the ears,” he giggled suddenly, and Makoto’s hands shot up in embarrassment. But Sousuke flicked his hands away and said, “No, keep ‘em on. It’s super adorable, kitten.”

Makoto blushed down to his chest, and Sousuke rolled over him, kissing at his collar bone. He hummed softly as his free hand moved near Makoto’s ass, a package tearing and crinkling. 

Sousuke hummed against Makoto’s skin. “You were so tight when I was fingering you, I can’t wait to get inside,” he husked, slowly sitting himself up again. Makoto watched as his abs rippled with the movements, as his bicep flexed as he stroked his cock. He glanced up at Makoto, pressing his erection to the other’s taint. It felt heavy and hot, and Makoto shivered. 

“I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty big,” Sousuke said with a glint in his eyes. “Are you ready for me, cutie?”

Makoto bit at his bottom lip, his head slowly nodding, a little faster and faster until he grunted in response. “Yea-“ he breathed out, petrified and needy. He didn’t want this to end, but he needed Sousuke. 

Something hot and large pressed to his asshole and Makoto seized up instantly. God, it had been so long that he was almost scared. Sosuke clicked his tongue at first and then murmured soothingly to the other. He pulled Makoto’s legs over his broad shoulders and rubbed at his thighs. Slowly he pressed further in, Makoto gasping every now and then, squeezing and releasing at Sousuke’s urgency. 

“Fuck-“ gasped the taller man at one point. He was sweating a little as he gripped at Makoto’s legs. “Please, darling, you have to stop squeezing- you’re tight-!”

Makoto shut his eyes and tried his hardest to relax himself down there, Sousuke sighing softly in relief as he pressed deeper in. When he winced again, Makoto immediately apologized. “You’re big-!” he explained. 

“I warned you-“ bit out Sousuke as he shifted slightly, releasing a hot exhale. “Fuck, you’re tight, but it feels damn good.”

This made Makoto smile, pulling the pillow back to his face as he hugged it to his chest. Sousuke grumbled at him but let him hold it for now. With a great sigh, he slid all the way in, and then he leaned over and tugged the pillow away from Makoto, grinning proudly down at him. Down below, they were fully connected, Sousuke’s hips flush with Makoto’s ass, and when he looked down, he couldn’t help his wobbly grin and shaky sigh of relief. 

“Oh,” he whispered when the weight of the moment hit him full force. He shuffled his hands awkwardly up into his hair and knocked at the headband he wore, yelping softly in surprise. 

“Baby,” Sousuke grunted as he reached with his free hand for Makoto’s arm. Bewildered, Makoto took it, blinking up at Sousuke. The other laughed as he said breathlessly, “I wanna touch you, so-“ Without further ado, he pulled Makoto up into his lap, gripping at his ass and around his waist, as he shifted inside Makoto and the brunet bit back a scream of shock and delight. 

“Oh my god, you’re huge!” he sobbed as Sousuke wrestled them around until he was sitting against the headboard at the head of the bed. “You lied, you jerk!” Makoto slapped his fist half-heartedly against Sousuke’s pec, and the other man grinned at him and leaned up to kiss at his chin. As if to torture Makoto further, or maybe he liked his reactions, he wiggled his hips. Makoto arched his back and crooned, clinging barely to Sousuke’s shoulders. 

“Jerk! Butthole!” he gasped as Sousuke laughed and pulled him down to kiss him again and again. Makoto gripped at his thick shoulders and melted easily against Sousuke, letting the man kiss him all over his face. 

“God, you’re fucking adorable,” Sousuke whispered as he scrubbed his hand into Makoto’s brown hair and fingered at his kitty ears. “I could make love to you every fucking day.”

Makoto wanted to laugh at that, wanted to say he should while knowing he really wouldn’t. After all, Makoto wasn’t this; he wasn’t handsome and suave and sexy. He was awkward and comfortable and weird. He buried his face into Sousuke’s neck and breathed the other in. This would have to be enough for him. He memorized every second as Sousuke held his hips and fucked him good. He came once from the stimulation to his ass, a dry one, and then again as he spilled all over them, but Sousuke wasn’t even close to done with him, and it seemed he was determined to keep his promise. He went and went until he’d finally filled his condom and Makoto slipped away from him, dead, spent, pleasantly achy. Sousuke tucked him in to the bed and went to clean off, and Makoto fell asleep instantly. 

In the morning, he woke up to strong, warm arms around him and the softest, cutest snoring in his ear, but he slipped out of bed and gathered his clothes, making his shameful walk back to his own dorm room, to shower and crawl into sweats and oversized tees to sleep off his blinding headache and aching hips. A smile tugged painfully at his lips as his cheeks begged for relief, but he couldn’t stop smiling. Despite it all, he was so happy. 

And Sousuke would never have to know who he really was.


	2. Chapter 2

The next week was decidedly very boring for Makoto. For how much he’d complained about it when Gou had dragged him into it, now he couldn’t get Halloween night out of his head. He was very sure it had something to do with Sousuke. 

Very sure.

It took him by surprise when he arrived a little late for one of his classes and had to take a seat near the back, his usual spots up front taken; he saw sitting a row down and a few seats over was the back of a very familiar head. He nearly dropped his book when Sousuke turned a little his way to talk to the girl sitting next to him. He pushed his glasses up flat against the bridge of his nose and pulled the collar of his sweater up; there was no way Sousuke would look back or even look at him twice, but he was sweaty all class. 

When it was over, he rushed out, hood pulled up and hiding. He ran all the way back to his dorm room, where he collapsed on the floor and tried to remember how to breathe properly. He texted Gou, mind in a panic. When there was a knock on his door fifteen minutes later, he nearly jumped out of his skin. A familiar voice called through the door, “It’s me, silly.”

Makoto scooped himself off the floor and opened the door for Gou, who barged in like his dorm room was also hers, claiming a spot on his bed. He sat down on the floor in front of her and leaned over his bed, sighing wearily. 

“Gou~” he whined, and she kicked him lightly with her foot. 

She laughed as she said, “You’re being a big baby about this. So what if he recognizes you?”

“Have you seen me?! He’s gonna get culture shock seeing me like this. I’m a different animal.”

She giggled at the double meaning, glancing over at the cat ears he’d tossed on his desk the day after the party. He rolled his eyes at her, pouting. 

“You know, I keep telling you you’re adorable, but you refuse to believe me. So there’s two options: it was a one night stand for him and he won’t give two shits about you, sorry, or he’s already so enamored with you that he won’t care.”

“Option three,” Makoto said with a frown, “is that he does care and will disregard our night together when he sees the real me.”

“Then he’s a butthole who doesn’t deserve you,” she said easily in response, shrugging when Makoto stuck out his bottom lip. She leaned over and pressed her finger to it, pushing it back in, smiling sweetly at Makoto. “Darling, you’re a dream, so stop beating yourself up about it. Who wouldn’t want to be with someone like you who can do it both ways?” Her lips swiveled up into a grin, but Makoto wasn’t convinced at all. 

“I’m not exciting, Gou. He got all of my excitement in one night, and that’s not even me. I’m boring. He’s gonna be bored.” He turned away and said, quietly, decidedly, “I won’t tell him it was me.”

Now Gou was the one who was pouting. “Makoto!” He glanced sideways at her for a second, shaking his head and looking away again. She looked so upset for him, and he was actually happy to see it, though he felt bad, but this was exactly why he wasn’t what she was claiming he was. 

“He wouldn’t believe me anyways! What would I say? “Hi, I know I don’t look like it but I’m that guy you fucked on Halloween.” Maybe he doesn’t even remember anything at all!”

Gou rolled her eyes. “He definitely remembers, you butthead.” She pursed her lips for a long while, finally just saying, a little spitefully, “I guess I thought you just really liked him or something...” She let her words trail off as she pretended to casually look up at his ceiling. He huffed, seeing right through her. 

“It’s no use, no matter how much I like him, if he doesn’t feel the same about the real me.” Before she could toss him a hopeful look, he added, “And he won’t.”

He knew she could argue that, but she just looked back at him and clicked her tongue. “You won’t know how he feels unless you _talk to him_.”

He looked away again and said stubbornly, “I can live with not knowing either way.”

She smacked his arm, both of them knowing it was a lie, but the thing was, Makoto didn’t want to break the illusion of himself from that night, and he didn’t want to see the disappointment on Sousuke’s face when he learned the truth, because that would surely break him. He was already so insecure about himself and who he was as a person, he didn’t think he’d handle that rejection well at all. Gou knew all too well that he felt that way, whether she agreed with him or not. It wasn’t something you fixed overnight. 

x

The week dragged on, Makoto scared to turn a corner and run into Sousuke everywhere. They only shared that one class, thankfully, and it was only once a week. Until the end of the year, he could deal with it. 

He could. Or at least, he should have been able to. 

After the next class, he called Gou, a nervous mess, and she invited him to get lunch with her at a small cafe a few blocks from the school. He happily agreed, but was shocked to see she wasn’t alone when he walked in. Beside her sat a tall, familiar looking “bartender”. She grinned at Makoto as he sat down and cast her a quizzical look. 

“Makoto, this is Seijuro. We’re kind of... dating? I guess?”

The man, Seijuro, raised his eyebrows at her and asked, “Kind of?”

She blushed a little and elbowed his arm, whispering, “Babe!”

Seijuro looked at Makoto and grinned like he’d just won the lottery. “Isn’t she the cutest?”

Makoto laughed, and he felt his anxieties from earlier magically slip away. Ah, this was the only cure he needed; as long as she was happy, his own didn’t matter as much. “Indeed,” he agreed as he smirked at Gou, who was still a little pink in the cheeks. Makoto had never, never seen her like this, and he took it as a really good sign. Still, he turned to Seijuro and gave him the classic, “If you hurt her.”

Gou laughed at that and called him out immediately. “You couldn’t hurt a fly, Mako.”

He huffed at that, saying, “Gou! I’ve gotta be the tough guy.”

Seijuro laughed at their interaction. Their waiter came and they ordered, and Gou talked about one of her classes which had a big paper due soon. Seijuro soothed her and patted her back, and she actually batted her lashes at him. Makoto stared at her in disbelief. She didn’t seem like the same, sassy BFF he’d always known. 

Suddenly she whipped her head around, a fry stuffed to her lips as she hushed, “Makoto!”

He blinked up at her in surprise, mouth full of food. He made an awkward noise. 

“I’ve heard a rumor that will speak to your... situation,” she said with a blatantly obvious stare. Makoto glanced at Seijuro with blushing cheeks, but the other was busy wrestling his giant burger into his mouth, eyes on the prize. 

“What?” Makoto asked in a tiny, clipped tone. 

Gou picked up another fry and swirled it in her ketchup, suddenly looking real smug and casual as she shrugged. “It seems a certain someone is asking around about another certain “cute cat boy”.” 

Makoto nearly choked on his own saliva. He glanced again at Seijuro, who was now watching them, but with a sheen of disinterest in his eyes. Makoto blinked back at Gou, raised his eyebrows at her. 

“Come on, Makoto!” she whined, leaning forward and stabbing her sauced fry at him. His eyes darted around nervously, looking for fly-away ketchup drips. “He remembers you! He’s looking around for you, which means he’s interested!”

Makoto just rolled his eyes; the news was happy and stressful at the same time. He tugged at his hood strings and bit at the inside of his cheek. She frowned at him, eating her fry silently, spitefully. 

She suddenly turned to Seijuro, an idea coming to her, and elbowed him in the ribs. “Seijuro, isn’t Makoto cute?!”

Wide, gold eyes blinked up at Makoto as Seijuro’s face fell into deer-in-the-headlights territory. “Uh,” he said awkwardly.

“Gou, what are you doing?” Makoto warned at a low hiss. She ignored him. 

“I mean, if you liked guys, or whatever, would you think Makoto was cute?”

Seijuro glanced between the two as Makoto sputtered, blindingly embarrassed. He was shocked when Seijuro finally turned back to him and said easily, “Well, yeah.”

Gou whipped her head around and gave Makoto the most blatant, “See?!” look. He blinked at her as his mouth fell open, not believing what was happening. He pushed at his glasses when he gathered his senses and waved his hands over himself vaguely. 

“Gou! None of this is cute! It’s not anywhere near “cat boy”. It’s just comfortable!”

He had never seen her get so mad, nor heard her voice go so high as she pushed up from the booth seat and yelled at him, “Makoto, you’re fucking adorable!”

Eyes swiveled their way, and if he wasn’t already deathly embarrassed and wanting to melt into the floor, some random girl across the cafe yelled, “Hell yeah, he is!”

Makoto actually threw himself down on the booth and hid under the table, mortified. He heard Gou sit and apologize very quietly. There was a long pause of silence, and finally she spoke again, softly, gently. “I’m sorry, Mako, but it makes me so angry when you constantly belittle and doubt yourself. Sousuke would be a horrible man if he didn’t fall in love with you again at first sight.”

From somewhere above, Seijuro murmured, “I don’t know what’s going on, but I agree.”

Slowly, Makoto pulled himself up, hood up and red in the face. “Okay, whatever, but I still can’t do it, Gou.” He admitted this quietly, defeated. He fiddled with his thumbs and stared down at his food, not hungry anymore. He bit at his lip. “I can’t do it,” he repeated. 

She sighed softly, letting it go without answer. There was nothing left to say except for her to repeat herself, so she opted for silence. She called the waiter over for boxes, and when they stood to go pay their bills at the front counter, she took his hand and whispered, “Just think about it, baby boo. Promise?”

He wanted to tell her he already thought about it twenty-four-seven, but decided the point was moot, and simply nodded.

x

The next week, Makoto opted for a back row seat, hoodie up, face turned down so he could simply focus on the lecture. Someone came in late and apologetically shuffled past him to an open seat, but he was too busy taking notes to even give them a response. 

Near the end of the class, the teacher called everyone’s attention and announced, horror of horrors, a group project due as their final assignment. 

“We won’t be drawing names or randomly choosing, none of that, so to make it easy, each row will be one team. It’s due in four weeks. Be nice and everyone, work hard.” And with that, she walked out of the classroom, and for the first time, Makoto looked up with horrified eyes. A group project. Fuck... 

To his even worse horror, he looked to his right and saw that there was only one other person on his whole row. It was the last person he wanted to see sitting there. 

Gorgeous aqua eyes stared back at him, a big, lopsided grin on his lips, his black hair unstyled today but still nice as ever; Sousuke would be his only partner for this group project due in four weeks. Four weeks he would have to work one-on-one with the biggest crush of his life. 

His only relief was Sousuke’s big hand flying up as he introduced himself and said, “Well, what’s your name, partner?”

With the only possible good thing to come of all of this being that he’d never told Sousuke his name before, he loosely shook Sousuke’s fingers and whispered into his hoodie, “Tachibana Makoto. I know who you are.”

Sousuke blinked and laughed, looking a little awkward as he said, “Yeah, I guess people know me?”

Makoto blinked at him. He looked so soft now as compared to before. Sure, his long sleeve tee was tight and left not much to the imagination, but with his hair down like it was, he looked... approachable. Makoto glanced down at his phone for a second and wondered if he dared to tell Gou about this development. 

“Well, should we go ahead and plan a day every week to meet and work on this thing?” Sousuke turned back to his desk and cupped his forearms around his book, looking a little unused to this. 

“Yeah,” whispered Makoto roughly. “That would be best.”

“I can give you my number too.”

He woodenly input his own into the phone Sousuke handed him, letting the man send him a text to get his. The notification blinked and Sousuke’s text, a simple “Hi,” with a goofy emoji attached, staring up at him. 

He locked his screen and nodded stiffly at Sousuke, gathering his books and standing up like all his joints were locked. Sousuke grinned at him as he too, rose from his chair. “You seem so familiar,” he said with a laugh, a casual remark as he walked away. 

Makoto stared wide-eyed after the man. 

He decided against texting Gou about this.

x

Below the first text message Sousuke had sent, another one had appeared later that night. Makoto stared at his phone screen, not quite believing that this was reality. He had to keep reminding himself Sousuke was just contacting him because of the group project. He still felt trepidation about working together, but when he was alone and it was just through text, he could let his heart race and let his face make wonky smiles. 

_Do Sundays work for you to work on the project?_

Makoto wondered if one day a week would be enough, since they only had a month, but he didn’t think he could handle more than that, if he was truthful. They could always talk ideas over text during the week, which made him bite back a little smile. He pushed at his glasses and thought he should laugh; he was truly a nerd to get this excited about talking to his crush about school. 

_I’m free Sundays._ , he wrote back. 

Sousuke’s response came half an hour later, enough time for Makoto to have nearly gotten drowned back into his homework. His heart slammed right back into high gear at the sight of the smiling emoji Sousuke had sent, along with a, _Perfect!_ Sousuke seemed so different than what Makoto had always imagined him to be. He would have never guessed the guy who’d stripped half naked in front of a house full of people and had stirred him up so much with just his voice would be the same guy now sending him goofy emoticons. 

They agreed to meet at the school library at 11. Makoto laid his phone carefully down and let out a long breath. His fingers trembled a little, and he tried not to think about it too much as he went back to studying. If he was honest, he thought this was going to prove to be terrible for his heart and his sanity. He knew he would incline to imagine things, and those imaginings would only hurt him in the end, no possible way of ever actually coming true. Pining for Sousuke from afar was already painful enough; could he survive such close contact for a month? An hour later, studying proved fruitless, and he slammed his pen down in frustration, scrubbing at his face after tossing off his glasses. He hated that all he could think and worry about lately was Sousuke. He decided to just take a bath and go to sleep for tonight. 

Maybe sleep would give his palpitations and anxieties a chance to cease. 

x

Makoto stared nervously over the long, empty table before him. It was nearly 11, and he’d gotten here an hour or so ago, had already pulled a few books for ideas he’d had; it was a humanities class, and Makoto had thought of some historical topics that had always interested him. Now he sat amongst a small pile of books, his notebook and laptop, and his mess of nervous energy. He pulled this way and that on the string of his hoodie, staring down forlornly at his baggy shirt and light green sweater. It was his normal attire, but he felt suddenly stupid in his pun-y math shirt. He pushed at his thick glasses and mussed with his brunet hair; there was no way Sousuke would recognize him from the Halloween party, but still, he was nervous. 

There was a tap against the table, and Makoto’s head shot up so fast that he nearly got whiplash in his neck. Sousuke stood tall across the table from him, smiling a little, his hair down again and wearing a plain black, long-sleeved shirt and jeans, which still looked unfairly good on him. Makoto swallowed dryly and gave a shaky nod in greeting, the best he could do as he clenched his hands in his lap, suddenly very sweaty. He immediately looked back down again as Sousuke pulled out a chair and sat, reaching up to push at the books he’d collected. 

“I thought of some topic ideas, but... Well, if there’s something else...” Makoto could barely speak past his heart pounding in his throat. He wanted to just lay his head against the cool table and shut his eyes as he went a little lightheaded, but he instead stared obstinately at his notebook. The long silence that followed his broken sentence didn’t help at all. 

When Sousuke hummed, Makoto nearly yelped, his head flying up once more. Sousuke had a book open, one of the ones Makoto had picked out, and he was reading it seriously, his expression so focused that Makoto let a small gasp pass his lips. Sousuke thankfully didn’t even notice; Makoto blatantly watched him, wide-eyed and a nervous wreck. It was impossible to tell what Sousuke was thinking. 

When he looked up and smiled at Makoto, the brunet was so caught off guard that he let out a nervous laugh. 

“This looks super interesting. Good job, dude.”

Makoto colored, tugging nervously at his shirt as he tried for a smile. “We can pick something else...” he still said, unsure, but Sousuke just tilted his head.

He simply asked, “But why? This is good.”

Makoto swallowed his own insecurities and nodded. He didn’t think he’d actually expected Sousuke to like one of his ideas. He glanced down at the book Sousuke had chosen; it was about the Shinsegumi and the Bakumatsu period of Japan’s history. Makoto smiled wryly, thinking it not surprising but also a little endearing that Sousuke had found this subject the one to be interesting. He was startled when he looked up again and found aqua eyes quietly watching him; he blinked wide and pushed at his glasses, suddenly very worried that Sousuke had recognized him after all. But Sousuke said nothing, and he instead looked down and unzipped his backpack. He pulled out a silver laptop and a notebook; Makoto reached forward and brought his own laptop out of sleep mode as well. Then he glanced up and said quickly, “Since we’ve decided our topic, I’ll go get some more books.” He needed to escape, for just a minute, to regain his ability to be semi-normal.

If Sousuke said anything in response, Makoto didn’t hear, practically running to the bookshelves that lined along the outer walls of the library. He gathered an armful of books and took a minute to calm himself; by the time he came back, he found Sousuke in full-on concentration mode. Makoto had never seen him like this before, of course, but it was shocking and really... attractive. Sousuke had an elbow on the table and he was mindlessly rubbing a finger over his cheek as he read through stuff online. Makoto had perhaps been a little worried in the beginning that Sousuke would be a terrible partner, but he seemed to be taking it seriously and putting in effort for it. Makoto couldn’t help the small smile that pulled up his lips, shaky as it was. He sat down carefully so as not to disturb the other, setting his books down quietly as well. Still, Sousuke glanced up, from the books to Makoto. His small smile made Makoto’s heart jump alive. He was so damn handsome, even like this, casual, studying, in a library. It was no wonder he was so popular, Makoto thought a little bitterly. Meanwhile, what did he even have to offer? The most he could do was his absolute best for this project, and hope Sousuke left behind the experience with only positive thoughts. 

The hours passed quietly between them. Once in a while they would share an online research paper or an interesting passage in a book they’d found. Makoto was mostly focused on the work, but once in a while he’d glance up and be reminded of Sousuke’s perfection, stare for a moment as the other was absorbed in a book or article, feel a tug of criticism at himself that made him put his nose back to the grindstone. 

He barely realized how late it had become until his stomach growled viciously. His eyes went big and wide, and he clutched at his waist, staring down in horror. There was silence for a second, and then boisterous laughter from across the table. Makoto glanced over the rim of his glasses and bit at his lip. 

“Wanna go grab some food?” Sousuke asked, innocently, easily. If only he knew how it made Makoto’s heart race; the other nodded solemnly. 

“We should put away our books first,” Makoto mumbled on a slight tremolo as he hastily stood and gathered them all, since he’d been the one to pick most of them up. A chair scraped and suddenly a shadow fell over him, Sousuke grabbing a majority of the stack from his arms. He didn’t say a word, just walked off towards the rows of shelves, and Makoto had to take a moment to shake off his shock. He blinked down at the two books in his hands, frowned. A negative thought whispered that Sousuke thought he was incompetent, or weak. He slowly shook his head. He was just being nice, because he was a nice person. Makoto picked up his feet and shut his eyes for a moment as he walked forward. He bit punishingly at his lip and shook his head one more time. 

He put his two books away and went back to their table to pack up his laptop. He was sitting down, mumbling to himself and occasionally shaking his head when a big hand slipped under his hood, ruffled his hair. He looked up in horror only to find Sousuke standing there, looking a little bit concerned. 

“You okay, Tachibana?” 

Makoto just blinked up at the other, afraid to move or breathe. Sousuke’s hand was delightfully heavy and warm, and Makoto almost didn’t think of how invasive it felt to him as he stared up at Sousuke. The anxiety hit him like a train soon enough though, and he jerked his head back and tugged at his hood, looking down as red crept up his neck and cheeks. Sousuke packed up his own things as Makoto stood and pulled on his backpack, tugging the straps of it and his sweater over his chest, hiding as well as he could. 

“How does a rice bowl sound?” asked Sousuke as he walked, Makoto trailing behind him, eyes on the floor. He grunted out a response, thinking he couldn’t trust his voice. Tile turned to pavement, which turned to grass, and then pavement again as he followed behind Sousuke. It was awkwardly silent, but Makoto’s brain was racing way too much with anxious thoughts to even comprehend speech. It wasn’t until Sousuke stopped suddenly in front of a restaurant and Makoto ran into the right side of his back that the other spoke. 

“It doesn’t look too crowded,” he said quietly, more to himself, before glancing back at Makoto, who had already harshly backpedaled from bumping into him. To Makoto, he said, “It’s quiet enough that we can study while he eat.”

It was a blessing from above. Whether it was a conscious decision or not, Sousuke was saving Makoto from more awkward silence or small talk, which would make him feel terrible. Without thinking, he smiled wide up at Sousuke.

“Great.” He slipped past the other and walked inside the restaurant, forgetting what he’d been worried about. He turned back, saying, “I’m glad I have someone as serious as you as a partner for this project,” but his words fell a little short when he found Sousuke standing closer than he’d expected. The other beamed down at him from a few inches above. He was staring up at the menu on the wall, but he was smiling to indicate he’d heard Makoto. 

“Yeah, I’m glad we got paired up together,” he said, Makoto just standing like a goof staring up at him. “What are you gonna get?”

Makoto’s head jerked around, thankful Sousuke had been looking up at the menu the whole time so he didn’t catch his stupid awed face, spitting out the first option on the menu that he saw. 

Sousuke glanced down at him and laughed. “What, are you nervous or something?” He asked it casually and moved past Makoto to step up to the counter to order without waiting for an answer, again leaving Makoto to wonder if Sousuke was just saying these things or if they had a real meaning behind them. Sousuke pressed a receipt into his hand as he walked past to get a table, and Makoto stared wide at the two items listed. 

He spun around and yelped, “No-!” Sousuke was already halfway across the small restaurant though, and others glanced up at Makoto instead. He threw his head down and bustled to the table in the corner that Sousuke had picked. He frantically pulled out his wallet, begging for there to be cash in there even when he knew there wouldn’t be. He rarely carried more than his one debit card and ID; his wallet was gapingly empty, and he felt the heavy weight of stress settle over him. He blinked his burning eyes. 

When they opened again, there was a hand over his wallet, pushing it away. “Just get the next one,” Sousuke said, already pulling out his laptop and not worried at all. It unsettled Makoto. He wondered if Sousuke was looking down on him, or thought him to be stupid... He stiffly sat down, the crumpled receipt clenched between his fingers as he stared at blurring words and letters. He couldn’t hear over his invasive thoughts. 

Again a heavy hand settled on his head, but this time Sousuke was pushing his hood down. Makoto didn’t look up, trying to pull his face back into something aside from miserable. 

“You’re really quiet, and you’ve had your hood up all day. Are you shy?” Sousuke asked. When Makoto looked up, he was leaning forward, his laptop open on one side, but he was focused on Makoto. He looked truly interested in the other, and it made Makoto’s anxieties rumble louder in his ears. He just stared at Sousuke, unsure of what to say. He was getting warm under the collar, but he didn’t dare take off his sweater. He fiddled with the zipper instead, still gripping the receipt in his other hand. 

Blatantly, without thinking, he said, “I’m not stupid, you know. I have a 4.1 gpa.”

Sousuke just blinked at him, confused. “I didn’t say you were stupid? You’re obviously smart,” he said, glancing at Makoto’s shirt and backpack, which housed a mess of notes he’d taken today. Makoto shook his head, thoughts crowding, eyes burning. He hadn’t meant to say that. Now Sousuke would have more questions, or want him to talk out his feelings so he could understand them. 

But instead, Sousuke sat back and said, “Hey, sorry.” He sounded like he meant it, though his tone was calm. “Did I do something to make you feel bad?”

Makoto shook his head harshly; he didn’t want to share his thoughts. He felt bad for making Sousuke apologize, felt angry at himself, and the other for terrible reasons. He wished he could stop worrying about being recognized, about making a fool of himself, about being weird. He wished he wasn’t who he was, with his massive insecurities and the feelings of inadequacy, but he’d lived with them so long that Sousuke’s easy confidence seemed fake and manipulative. He didn’t know how to say any of that without sounding like a freak, or mean, so he kept his mouth shut. Sousuke tapped softly at the table, thinking, concern in his eyes that made Makoto feel even worse.

In the end, Makoto gave a hollow, awkward laugh and simply said, “I’m just shy, I guess.”

Sousuke accepted it quietly, though with some skepticism on his face. He scrubbed at his hair and frowned slightly as he stared down at his laptop. 

“You know, I’m not like... that great,” he said finally, sounding awkward saying it, frowning deeper when he realized how conceited it sounded. “I mean, everyone acts like I’m some big deal, but I’m really not. I’m just a normal guy.” He paused again, sighing in frustration. Makoto blinked at the table in surprise. 

“I’m just trying to say that you don’t have to feel weird around me!”

At his slightly raised voice, Makoto looked up at the other. His face was twisted in a disgruntled frown, and he was looking down and away. 

“N-no,” stuttered out Makoto, dread crawling up his spine and his stomach sinking. He opened his mouth to say more, but just then a waiter walked up and dropped off their two bowls. Awkwardness settled between them, Makoto staring at his food and Sousuke still off at the floor. 

“Sorry,” they said together, heads jerking up when they heard the other speak. “Ah,” whispered Makoto. Sousuke cracked a smile after a moment and laughed. 

“Sorry,” he said again. “I didn’t mean- well, sorry.” He scratched at his head, puzzled, but Makoto was beginning to understand what he had meant. He’d put Sousuke on an impossibly high pedestal, but Sousuke was just another guy. Sure, he was handsome, funny, nice, and popular. Sure, he was everything Makoto wished he could be, and be with, but he was still just... painfully human. 

Makoto scratched at his cheek, wanting to disappear into his hood again but knowing that would be a terribly insensitive thing to do, to Sousuke who was just trying to be nice. So instead he said softly, “No, you don’t make me feel weird. I just... get nervous and insecure. You’re great.” He swallowed and added, “I like you.”

Sousuke grinned even as Makoto was hit in the face with what he’d just said. But Sousuke was laughing and saying, “Yeah, I like you, too.”

Makoto tucked his head down and pretended to be very invested in his food, Sousuke chuckling softly as he opened a pack of chopsticks. Makoto had been blessed by this man, he knew, by his presence and his role as his partner of the project. He knew it, and he felt grateful, but he wondered if he would actually survive this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shy, nerdy boys with glasses are just the best uwu
> 
> Also soft Sousuke is my new favorite thing


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m out tonight so here’s this chapter early for y’all 😘

Sousuke would text Makoto a few times throughout the next week, links to informative websites or just random things he thought of for their presentation. Makoto found it easier to communicate this way, but his answers still tended to be short. He got so wrapped up in the project and his other studies that he barely noticed when a week had gone by since he’d last spoken to Gou. It didn’t even occur to him until she came, pounding hard on his door one day; when he opened it in surprise, she pushed past him, fuming mad. 

“You haven’t texted or called me in a whole week, Makoto! Where is he?”

Makoto blinked at her in wide confusion as he slowly shut his door. “Who?” he asked in confusion. 

“Sousuke! I bet you’ve been holed up in here with him! It’s the only reason you wouldn’t think to talk to me!”

Makoto glanced guiltily at his phone, bit it wasn’t the same at all as what Gou was accusing him of. His cheeks flared red at the insinuation. 

“I’m alone!” he blurted out. “I’ve just been busy!”

He felt defensive when he recognized that Gou was just hurt, and it was his fault. But still he said, quietly, though with a bit of bite, “You could have texted or called me instead. It works both ways.”

He should have known the slap upside his head was coming, but he still jerked in surprise. Gou’s face was pulled tight with anger and regret, and he felt instantly bad. Slowly, though, her eyes softened and he was surprised when she admitted, “You’re right.”

He glanced up at her and asked cautiously, “Busy with the boyfriend?”

When Gou turned a little red and grinned crookedly, he let out an awkward noise of shock. She had rarely ever made that face, but she seemed to be glowing suddenly. 

“Yeah, you could say that,” she said with a terrible wink and a grin. 

“Ew,” he said, though he felt very happy for her. For being stuck with him for so long, she deserved a good man to give her a well-deserved break. She grinned up at him and gave him some thumbs up.

But if he’d had any hope of her forgetting about it, he should have known better. “So, tell me why you’ve been busy,” she sang as she twirled around and slipped to his bed, sinking down to it as he moved back to his desk. 

“School,” he said automatically, knowing it was an answer she would never accept, but he said it anyways. She raised her eyebrows, her senses kicking in and now she was highly suspicious. Well...

Something caught his attention to the right, and he jerked his head over to his desk, his phone lit up now next to his textbook. Before he could stop it, a smile tugged at his lips, before he bit it back. But Gou was sharp and she’d seen it; she watched him in silence as he moved to gather his cellphone and, sure enough, read the text from Sousuke. 

It was another article, and then a confirmation for the same time on Sunday. Makoto turned away from Gou as his stomach filled with butterflies, and for some reason he couldn’t stop his little smile. 

“No fucking way,” breathed a small voice over his shoulder, and he suddenly realized that turning away had been his demise. Gou moved quieter than a mouse, and she had no qualms about invading his privacy. She stared now over his shoulder at the phone in his hand, just her eyes peeking over as she stood on her tippy toes. He immediately straightened up and locked his screen, but it was far too late. “What the hell is this, Makoto??” she asked indignantly, her face showing betrayal. He swallowed hard. 

“It’s not what you think. It’s just for a group project for a class.”

“Makoto!” she yelled, shoving his shoulder hard. He deserved it, he thought, as he actually stumbled back a little and hit his leg on the desk behind him. He sat down heavily on his textbook, looked at her forlornly. “This is huge! You have his number! He’s texting you!”

“It’s not as great as it sounds!” he yelped back, his anxieties rushing to the surface as he felt sick. He was happy, yes, beyond happy, but with that came the dread that Sousuke would figure him out, that he was just pretending to be nice for the sake of a good grade, and so many other things. Makoto thought a lot about it, and it always left him a little queasy. His lips twisted as he fought back a wave of nausea, and he could tell by the way her face fell that she’d seen it. She stepped immediately into his space again and wrapped her arms around him, and he let her hold him. He didn’t cry, not this time, but he shut his eyes and let her heat calm him. 

“I’m sorry, Makoto. Is he sweet to you?”

He sighed wearily, laughed a little jadedly. “Yes. Very. He’s great, Gou.” A pause, and then softly, “I’m going to keep falling more and more in love with him.”

She didn’t say anything to that right away, just let his words hang there, weighing over them both. 

Finally, she reminded him, “You’re sweet, too. You’re wonderful.”

“Gou, it’s okay,” he whispered, because he knew she was trying to convince him he was worth even Sousuke’s time. He didn’t want to hear it again, but she shook her head, her deep red hair smacking him slightly in the face. He was used to that too, and he snuggled closer to her, to familiarity. 

“Makoto, just... please promise me you’ll enjoy it and make the best of this time with him. Text him some more! Call him.”

Makoto laughed, but he felt it was useless to say anything in response, so he kept quiet. He wished he were as brave as she wanted him to be sometimes, but he just wasn’t. 

She pulled back after a few moments longer, cupped his cheeks with her small hands, and smiled at him. Then she leaned up and kissed his forehead. “Just be yourself,” she said like it was the best compliment and advice she could give him, still smiling, and he nodded back. 

“I will,” he promised, for whatever it was worth. 

x

Sunday rolled around again faster than Makoto could blink, and soon he was making his way back to the library to meet up with Sousuke. This time, the other was there first, already set up with his laptop and notebook out. The library was a little more crowded this time around, and Makoto was forced to pull out the chair next to Sousuke to sit in. He quietly pulled out his own computer and notes, turning a little shyly when Sousuke greeted him warmly. 

“You look well-rested,” the other said with a tired smile of his own. Makoto’s lips twitched. 

“You okay?” he asked, trying not to sound as concerned as he felt. 

Sousuke just smiled and shrugged it off as a late night. Behind them, girls were whispering, and Makoto self-consciously glanced back over his shoulder and then quickly forward again. He glanced at Sousuke and wondered if his late night had been spent in the company of someone else. He bit his lip and focused on setting up his stuff. It didn’t matter; it shouldn’t. 

They worked quietly for about half an hour until even Sousuke paused in his typing to glance up at the ceiling in something close to annoyance. The girls behind them had not stopped whispering since they’d started, growing increasingly louder, until it was pretty easy to make out that they were talking about Sousuke. Makoto had pulled his baseball cap down right over his forehead and was hiding his own discontentment in the collar of his sweatshirt. He scooted his own chair a little farther away from Sousuke with every giggle, praying the two would just leave them alone. 

Sousuke turned abruptly to Makoto, however, when a chair scraped behind them and the girls giggled nervously, their whole plan so obvious. He shut his notebook a little loudly and said, a little loudly, “Let’s go somewhere else to study, it’s too crowded here. You still owe me lunch, anyways.”

He smiled at Makoto, but it was stiff, and Makoto stared at him in surprise. He turned back a little to see the girl who had risen from her chair now stood frozen, her face marred by great disappointment and disbelief. He turned quickly away. 

“I can-“ he began, but one look from Sousuke shut him up. The two quickly packed their things and Sousuke practically dragged the other outside. When the doors shut finally behind them, he leaned over on his knees and breathed out a huge sigh of relief. 

“Ugh! I’m sorry, but I really hate that.”

Makoto just stared at him in shock. He’d never seen Sousuke look so displeased and unsettled, frowning harshly down at the concrete below his feet. He looked upset, too, and he turned to look up at Makoto with a sincerely apologetic look. “Sorry,” he said again. 

Makoto felt confusion stir through his mind. He would think a man like Sousuke thrived off attention like that. Why did he look so upset by it? Was it because he didn’t want to be seen with Makoto?

“We can just call it quits for today,” Makoto offered up in his confusion, wanting to fix the problem that was surely his fault. 

Suddenly Sousuke was standing up tall, watching Makoto carefully. “We’ve barely gotten anything done today,” he said as he watched Makoto’s face. 

It was true. They’d barely even talked about the project at all. Makoto glanced back up to the doors of the library, his lips pulling together in indecision and anxiety. 

“You do that a lot,” said Sousuke to the side of his face. When Makoto looked at him, he raised his hand and waved it over Makoto’s lips. “What does it mean? What are you thinking?”

Makoto shook his head and glanced down the street, his lips pulling tighter. His favorite wings place was fairly close, and suddenly he wanted to stuff his face. 

He turned back to Sousuke, needing a change of subject, trying to hide his small amount of hopefulness and huge mess of nerves as he asked, “So, lunch?”

Sousuke instantly smiled, though his eyes still watched Makoto with questions in them. “Your treat,” he reminded. Makoto turned on his heel, a single nod his only response. The soft slap of shoes on the concrete told him Sousuke was following him. 

The wing place was quite packed, but Makoto knew of a table near the back that was always quiet. It was a small one, tucked away near the kitchen, and no one ever wanted to sit there, so it was his go-to spot. The waitress who seated them recognized him and smiled shyly at Sousuke. He tried to not seem too friendly with the man as he arranged his bag next to his chair until she left. Sousuke was watching him again. 

“You always-“ he mumbled under his breath, but then he shook the rest of the words away and pulled out one of the menus she’d given them. The table was a lot smaller now with two big guys like Makoto and Sousuke sitting at it, and Makoto wondered if maybe this wasn’t the best after all. But it was quiet, and away from prying eyes and interested women. Instead of looking at the menu, he pulled out his notes. 

“Eat here a lot?” Sousuke asked in amusement after Makoto gave his order to their waitress without even glancing up. His eyes darted forward and he blushed slightly, realizing he might have seemed rude. 

He pointed back towards their waitress. “They all know me...”

“Friends?” he asked curiously, and Makoto thought he could laugh if he wasn’t so nervous. 

“No...” He paused and then admitted the obvious, “I come here a lot.”

Sousuke’s lips split into a knowing grin, and he nodded as he put his menu away and pulled at the notebook in Makoto’s hands like they did this all the time. 

“You have neat handwriting,” he said quietly as he read over the other’s notes. His finger absentmindedly rubbed at the bottom of the page, textured with heavy pen marks. Makoto bit at his lip, nervous like Sousuke was reading something private. “I like what we’ve got so far,” he said as he finally looked up and smiled at Makoto, the other silent. 

Sousuke fell into silence with him, watching him. 

“When are you going to tell me what goes on in that head of yours?” Large fingers drummed softly on his notebook. Makoto’s eyes were drawn to them, and he realized that even Sousuke’s hands were perfect. 

Makoto laughed shortly. “Trust me, you wouldn’t care to know.”

He didn’t expect Sousuke to lean forward and say, “Try me.”

He stared at him with green eyes, watched him. “You wouldn’t understand,” he said a little more firmly as he stared at Sousuke’s perfect face. 

“Try me,” repeated Sousuke, more sure. 

Makoto sighed wearily and looked quickly away. What would he even say? That he didn’t want to drag Sousuke down because he was forced to be around him? That he was sorry the man was stuck with him. That he wished Sousuke would remember him even though it absolutely terrified him and he knew no good would come of it. No, not that. 

He pursed his lips and worried at the inside of his cheek, and the whole time Sousuke watched him earnestly with his gorgeous eyes. As he thought of what to say without revealing his inner demons to an innocent, Sousuke was thinking too. 

“It seems to me like you’re worried about my image or something, or that you’re keeping me from something.”

Wide green eyes swiveled to Sousuke, and his chuckle told Makoto that Sousuke knew now that he’d guessed right. 

“You know, I’ve had fun.”

Makoto blinked at him with those same wide eyes, not sure he could hear properly suddenly. 

“It’s only been, what, a week or so, and it’s for school, but it’s been fun working on this project with you. I think even after this, we could be friends.”

Makoto gripped at the side of the table, his face twisting as a sarcastic laugh bubbled up, but the sound stopped in his throat as Sousuke just watched him with those earnest eyes of his. He seemed almost unfamiliar from the Sousuke Makoto had met at the party, but he was still strong and handsome and funny. Makoto would have never guessed he could be this sweet, though, or good at reading him. He hated it and found it amazingly exciting all at the same time. 

But soon enough his face pulled back into a frown as his brain told him to face reality, and he said, “You don’t want to be friends with me.”

Sousuke looked shocked, mildly, and his lips pressed together in displeasure. “Why not?” he asked carefully. 

Makoto did laugh now, quietly, but the sound fell silent again when Sousuke leaned forward and said, a few inches from Makoto’s face, “Listen here, Makoto. You’re fun to be around. You’re funny and very smart, you make these faces that puzzle me and I want to get to know you better. After this, let’s be friends.”

Makoto shook his head, pulling away a little until Sousuke caught the brim of his baseball cap and pulled him back to face him. 

Makoto had no choice but to lay it on Sousuke. “No, you listen here! I’m a big nerd and I haven’t got much of a personality aside from that. I don’t know how to have fun, and I’m at best a little weird. I read books and I wear weird clothes and my fashion sense is so bad that even I know it. I’m not... friend material. Not for most people, and certainly not for someone like you. You’ve got hundreds of better options.”

Sousuke slowly smiled as he watched Makoto talk. In the end, he was grinning wide and he said, “Sounds fun. Let’s do it.”

Makoto blinked at him, clicked his tongue, but Sousuke slightly shook his head. 

“Do you not want to be friends with me, is that it? You haven’t had any fun?”

“No! I’d kill to-“ spit out Makoto, reeling back but still held in place by his cap and Sousuke’s strong fingers. 

“Then what’s the problem if we both want to be friends and we both enjoy each other’s company?”

“I’m telling you you’ll get bored! We’ve got our project now, but what will we do when that’s done?”

Sousuke pulled back and shrugged, letting Makoto settle back in his own chair, exhausted. 

“Then let’s go out one day next week and figure it out. We’ll not work on any project stuff and just hang out. A play date, if you will,” he added, eyes flashing with amusement. 

Makoto’s brain was stuck on one word, and he choked out the word, “Date?”

“Yeah. A friend date.”

Sousuke looked so unfazed, so happy about it that Makoto felt speechless. A tiny voice in the back of his head that sounded suspiciously like Gou said, “Well, why not? Go for it!”

He stuttered over an answer, and Sousuke, always the hero to his awkwardness, said, “Actually, it’s not optional. Next week, we’re going on a date.”

Their wings came as Makoto stared at Sousuke in rushing dread and disbelief, and he buried himself in the food and their work, Sousuke smiling knowingly as he quietly followed Makoto’s example. 

Maybe he’d been wrong to assume Sousuke was a good guy. He seemed absolutely crazy now... 

x

“A date?!” screamed Gou. Beside her on the small couch sat Seijuro, and she was snuggled against his side as Makoto sat awkwardly on a desk chair near them, spinning this way and that slowly. She stood now as he seemed to grow so uncomfortable that he wanted to meld with the chair, and pulled him up and away from the small living room of Seijuro’s place. He had a small apartment just off campus, and it seemed Gou had practically moved in as well, with how much she was here now. 

Makoto showed her his phone after they’d settled together on Seijuro’s bed, and she grabbed it and eagerly read over the conversation Sousuke had started with him yesterday. It seemed he’d been serious about them hanging out together this week, no school, just them hanging out. Makoto had tried his best to avoid it by claiming to be busy, but Sousuke was insistent and already knew Makoto too well to fall for it. 

As Gou read, Makoto watched in horror as a grin spread wide over her gorgeous face. 

“Gou!” he cried out when she began chuckling and blushing like a school girl. 

She looked up with wide, red eyes. “God, Makoto! He wants to be your friend! Just let him!”

“It’s a terrible idea, Gou.” He shook his head stubbornly. 

“Did you tell him that?”

“Yes...” swallowed Makoto, knowing where this was going already, and he didn’t like it. 

“And he asked you why, I’m assuming.”

“Yes. I told him he’d get bored.” He looked away when he said it, hoping Gou wouldn’t instantly recognize that it wasn’t the only reason. 

But she was Gou, and she hadn’t been his friend for ages for nothing. She shuffled forward and grabbed his hand, pulling it between hers. “Makoto, are you worried about your feelings for him?”

“Of course! I’m already-“ He stopped there, but Gou’s eyes lit up like she knew what he’d been about to say. _I’m already hopelessly in love with him._ “This can only end badly for me, Gou. He’s going to figure it out; I’m not... suave about this shit.”

Gou smile softly, kindly. “I know. You’re so obvious when you’ve got feelings.”

He huffed and turned away. Sometimes he hated that she was so candid and honest, and that she knew him so well. But it made their relationship easy, Gou carrying the weight of his limp, awkward self through. He couldn’t expect Sousuke to put up with the same, and especially not when he started oozing his feelings everywhere. 

“He’s gonna be turned off when I can’t help myself from saying or doing weird shit.”

Gou couldn’t help but giggle a little, her smile widening warmly. 

“Gou,” he warned, but she kept smiling. 

“But, Makoto, what if he doesn’t? What if he realizes that-“

“Don’t say it-!” he cut her off abruptly. He couldn’t hear her say it. He lowered his head as his eyes burned, as emotions so strong and overwhelming broke through him. “Please, Gou,” he whispered. 

She moved instantly, pulling him roughly into a hug. She gave the best hugs; warm and soft and tight. The tears came unbidden as soon as he felt it. The feelings he’d kept tightly locked away burst out from his little box and he sobbed as his love for that stupid, crazy man soaked into his whole being. 

But he couldn’t ever hope anything. He couldn’t hope Sousuke would return his feelings, or that he wouldn’t get weirded out by Makoto, or get bored. It was even too much to hope that he actually wanted to be friends. 

“Maybe this is all just gonna be a big joke on me-“ Makoto choked out against Gou’s shoulder. She quietly but firmly admonished him for saying that. 

But it felt too much to even think that Sousuke wanted to be his friend. He didn’t get it. Most of his life, people had stayed away from him. Most of his life, he’d been alone. 

“Are you saying you’re not someone people want to be friends with, Makoto?” she asked suddenly, her voice unreadable. “What are you saying about me, then? What do you think I’m doing here?”

Makoto pulled back and stared at Gou. “You’re different, Gou. You’re special. Probably a little weird in the head.”

She smiled at him, but it didn’t reach her eyes yet. “What if he is too, Makoto? You’re not even going to let him try?”

There was pain behind her red eyes, and he suddenly recognized that look. He’d looked at her like that plenty of times when she’d turned down opportunities to date and be happy. She was looking at him like she was sad that he wouldn’t even try to find someone to love him. 

That, maybe then, was his true breaking point. He clutched at his heart and _sobbed_. Gou grabbed his head as it fell forward and let it rest against her lap as he curled forward and cried his eyes out. 

“Gou, I love him so much. I’m so happy when he texts me, or when I see him waiting for me. It’s hard to focus sometimes when we’re studying, and you know me-“ He hadn’t allowed himself to be honest with himself in a long while. He’d pushed it down for hopes of not making it weird, for holding out until the end of the project, to not get more attached, but it was hopeless. He was already head over heels, and every little thing Sousuke did, or said, every smile and look made Makoto fall deeper. 

“I’m so afraid, Gou. I’m... petrified. There’s just no way he’ll ever... and I’m going to break when he rejects me. Gou, I’m going to shatter.”

She calmly petted his hair, silent as he let it all out, the things he’d been stuffing down and clinging to, hoping he’d survive. But Sousuke had no thoughts to let him do so; he seemed determined to make Makoto spit it all out, whether he’d enjoy hearing it in the end or not. 

“Makoto, everyone feels this way at one point in their life. It’s called having a crush; it’s called being human. Even I have had my heart broken, moments when I felt like I’d never recover again. But I’m here, and I’m happy. Makoto, even if it’s not him, won’t you give yourself the freedom to discover it. Even if it ends in heartbreak, let it happen and make you stronger. But you’ll never know how it will end if you don’t start it at all.”

She leaned over him and whispered kindly, “Don’t you want to know? If it’ll be good or not?”

Makoto sobbed once more, slowly nodding. If he was going to carry this torch forever, the way it felt now, he might as well figure out if it was going to be a good or bad end. For the sake of his sanity, maybe, or just for being selfish and for the chance at happiness. Even if he didn’t want it for himself, Gou wanted it for him, and he had to respect that. It was what he told himself. 

Slowly he sat up and she wiped his tears, smiling sweetly at him, her eyes shimmering with love and kindness. 

“I think he could be so good for you. When he realizes truly how amazing you are, beneath your terrible clothes and awkwardness.”

Makoto laughed, but he couldn’t correct her, didn’t have the heart to fight her over it anymore. He pressed his own hand over the warm one on his cheek. 

“I don’t deserve you, Gou. And Seijuro doesn’t either. You’re too good for this world.”

Gou grinned at him, her eyes shutting in her happiness. “Yeah, but I chose you two dorks, so suck it up.”

Makoto giggled and pulled his best friend into a hug. Her hair was soft as he nuzzled into it, shutting his eyes.

He prayed he would survive this. 

x

Makoto’s phone vibrated softly against his pillow, once, twice. He turned away from the game he was playing and looked at it. He sighed softly, pulling himself out of his video game by pausing it and picking up his phone instead. 

The first message was from Sousuke, the second from Gou. 

_What do you wanna do tomorrow?_ , followed by a winking emoji. 

_Just had a horrible realization! You plan on wearing you normal clothes for your date tomorrow, don’t you?!_

He reminded Gou it was not a date while avoiding her question, and texted Sousuke that he had no clue, since he’d never done this kind of stuff before.

 _What time should we meet?_ asked Sousuke. _I usually go for a run in the morning, so anytime after that would work for me._

Makoto pursed his lips, glancing down at his body. Slowly, he typed out, _We could go running together..._

While he was waiting, he entertained Gou as she sent him outfit suggestions, reminding him of all the clothes she’d bought for him over the years in an attempt to correct his horrid fashion sense. He glanced up at his closet and thought maybe he could pull something out that had just been sitting. 

When he looked back down at his phone, Sousuke still hadn’t responded, and he wondered if maybe Sousuke didn’t know how to reject Makoto’s suggestion. Quickly he clicked back and typed out, _Never mind_.

A few moments later, Sousuke enthusiastically agreed to their run, sending scolding looking emojis to his “never mind”. Makoto bit the inside of his cheek as his lips pulled up into a smile. 

_Better bring your a-game._

_I ran track for most of my life._ Feeling a little sassy and brave, he added, _So I think you should prepare yourself to finally lose._

Sousuke sent him a few laughing and pouty emojis, and then he said, _I look forward to it~_ , and Makoto lost his breath. He smiled so wide his cheeks hurt. For a moment, he didn’t care if he was reading it incorrectly; it was just nice to hear. 

He texted Gou that he would choose wisely, and stood to pack a small bag with a change of clothes for his “date” tomorrow. 

x

Sousuke stood waiting at the beginning of the walkway that looped all the way around the college campus. He was stretching, wearing navy gym shorts and a loose, long-sleeved white tee, a water bottle by his feet. Makoto walked up quietly, his bag hung over his shoulder. He hadn’t thought about where to put his stuff as they ran; he’d been too excited, though he’d never admit that. Sousuke glanced up at him and smiled. 

“My bike’s just over there if you want to put your bag in my storage box,” he offered, and Makoto gratefully nodded. As he trailed behind Sousuke, he wondered what kind of bicycle had a storage box on it. He was shocked when he saw that Sousuke’s “bike” was no bicycle, but a gorgeous, deep blue motorcycle. A helmet sat on black leather seats, and on the back was a small black box for holding items while you drove. Makoto couldn’t scrape his jaw off the floor before Sousuke turned around, reaching out for his bag.

“You drive... this?!” choked out Makoto incredulously. 

“Yeah,” said Sousuke, a quiet pride in his voice. 

“It’s dangerous!” yelled Makoto, worried to death, not able to keep his voice down. 

Sousuke just blinked at him. “Not when you’ve got a safe driver at the wheel.” He smiled at Makoto, assured of his own skills and somehow making Makoto believe him, too. 

He glanced back at the bike and tried to imagine Sousuke sitting on it, thighs bulging against leather seats and hot metal, wearing tiny shorts and a cop uniform- He physically had to smack himself out of that line of thought. He handed his bag off and quickly turned away as his whole face flared hot. 

Soon enough Sousuke was next to him again, patting at his back and smiling. “Let’s go. I’ve got to show you who’s the best.”

He shifted his water bottle to his other hand and stretched his calves one more time, and then he was off with no warning. Luckily, Makoto had thought to at least stretch before coming, so he quickly ran after the other. Catching up was no problem, but it seemed Sousuke had been running a little slower to wait for him. As soon as they were in line, Sousuke sped up and Makoto picked up his own pace. The sound of soles slapping against concrete became a rhythmic drone as Makoto settled back into his favorite speed from his high school days, loving the wind over his face and through his hair. He usually wore contacts for running, but he couldn’t risk it with Sousuke so he was wearing his glasses, which he had to push up more than he liked, but he liked the way Sousuke grinned at him every time he did it like that was his plan to defeat Makoto. They mostly kept pace with each other, once in a while one of them speeding up to gain distance and then slowing down to catch up again. 

The sun was warm and soon Makoto was sweating. Through Sousuke’s white shirt, which cling to his chest, he could see dark nipples and the outlines of abs. He tried not to look too much, keeping his eyes straight ahead until Sousuke called his attention by being a competitive butt, or with a laugh or short comment. His own shirt grew heavy and warm against his skin. He wiped his brow and pushed up his glasses again, Sousuke laughing as he sped up past him. Makoto picked up his own speed and soon they were matching again. 

It was fun. Way more fun than Makoto had thought it would be, and it made him miss running track. He’d never been particularly close to his teammates, and he wondered now how much he’d missed out on. 

By the end, Sousuke was panting hard and bent over his knees, Makoto massaging at his sides as they pulled painfully. “You should join a sports team,” Sousuke huffed to the ground, his eyes sliding up after a moment when Makoto hadn’t said anything. 

Makoto laughed shortly and shook his head, lips falling a little into a frown. “No,” was all he said in response, and Sousuke slowly stood up to drink from his bottle. 

“Hungry?” he said with a wide smile. “There’s a place that makes killer protein drinks and has amazing muffins.”

Makoto glanced down at his sweaty clothes. 

“We can go back to my place after to change and hang,” Sousuke said with a knowing smile. He stepped forward, not even waiting for Makoto’s thoughts on the plan. He jogged after him and together they walked to the small health cafe off campus. Makoto had left his wallet in Sousuke’s bike, so Sousuke paid for their stuff, shrugging that it was no big deal as Makoto pouted. 

A finger poked at his cheek as Sousuke watched him with a small smile. Green eyes darted up and stared at the man. 

“Next time, you can beat me,” Sousuke said cheekily. 

“I totally won that,” Makoto countered naturally. Sousuke laughed. 

“Sure, sure,” he said. 

Makoto didn’t even think about how easily their banter was coming now. When had it become less awkward and more natural for him to talk to Sousuke? He thought about it as he sipped at his chocolate peanut butter banana shake. He still hadn’t gotten to an answer by the time they’d made it back to Sousuke’s bike. His empty cup was replaced with a hard helmet and Makoto blinked wide at Sousuke. 

“My place is a bit away, so let’s take a little ride,” he grinned as he straddled his bike. Makoto choked at the sight of that man on two wheels and an engine. He didn’t think he’d find it this attractive, but he highly suspected it was just because it was Sousuke. He stared again at his helmet. 

“No way-“ he hushed out, but Sousuke was turned back and watching him, smiling, and Makoto couldn’t actually say no. He wrestled with the helmet until Sousuke motioned him over, looking like something illegal. Makoto had no choice but to stare at his face as Sousuke pushed the helmet onto his head and tightened the straps. 

“Glasses okay? You can take them off if it’s more comfortable,” Sousuke offered. 

Makoto shook his head stubbornly, which was weightier now due to the helmet, and the other smiled at him. 

“Get on.”

Makoto shuffled around to the rear seat and stared at it. _But how?_ he wanted to ask as he stared dumbly down at the seat waiting for him. Carefully, he reached out and gripped at cool leather, stepping forward on wooden legs. He wasn’t even sure how he managed to get on the thing without falling off the other side. Sousuke tossed him a grin over his shoulder and Makoto clenched his hands. The bike roared to life and Makoto yelped at the massive vibrations purring through his legs. He gripped at a small part of the back of Sousuke’s shirt as he walked the bike backwards out of its parking spot. He gave it a little throttle and Makoto yelped again, arms flying around Sousuke’s waist. He knew the other was laughing at him, and he was sure Sousuke could hear the thundering of his heart. He hated that Sousuke was probably laughing at his pain right in front of him. 

But he couldn’t deny that the wind through his bangs and over his skin felt insanely good, and he had to admit, mentally, that Sousuke was a very good driver. He watched the buildings flash by as he clung to Sousuke’s waist. 

He wondered what Gou would say. He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear it right now. He closed his eyes and inhaled fresh air and Sousuke’s scent. He was dangerously close to never wanting to let the man go. 

When Sousuke parked in front of a small apartment complex and helped Makoto off, Makoto was trying to remember how to walk and talk and breathe. Sousuke smiled at him as he grabbed Makoto’s bag from his lock box and walked towards his place. Makoto cradled the helmet in his hands and tried not to think too much about what his hair looked like as he followed Sousuke, shocked. 

“I thought you lived in the frat house.”

Sousuke turned back and smiled. “Nah, it’s always so loud there, and they let the seniors live anywhere they want, so I decided to get my own place and enjoy my quiet life.”

Makoto just blinked at Sousuke’s somehow-still-perfect hair. More and more, Sousuke was becoming real to him, and he was becoming someone that was really, really Makoto’s type. The image he’d had before of the man was maybe wrong, or more likely just one single part of him. 

Sousuke was fascinating. Makoto was enthralled. 

Sousuke offered to let him shower first, and Makoto gratefully took it, making quick work of his body as he tried not to dwell on the fact that this was Sousuke’s place and Sousuke’s bathroom and Sousuke’s body wash he was using. He dried off and slipped on navy boxer briefs, his nicest jeans, and a fitted maroon shirt, the last two gifts from Gou, and he thanked his lucky stars for a best friend like her. Sousuke offered up his bookcase when he stepped out of the steamy bathroom, so Makoto parked himself in front of it and perused as the other showered. 

He was so absorbed that he didn’t hear Sousuke come back in until he asked Makoto, “Want a drink?”

Flashes of alcohol and what it did to him rushed through his head as his eyes jerked up. He spun around and blinked at Sousuke, who was pulling on a shirt, his bare stomach showing off like it was a flashback from Halloween. 

“Just water or tea is fine!” Makoto squeaked out. Aqua eyes appeared above the collar of his shirt as Sousuke pulled it down, a quirky smile on his lips. 

“That’s what I meant, sorry,” he grinned at Makoto’s flushed face. The brunet turned sharply back and stuffed the book he’d been reading on the shelf again, sitting there for a moment as he waited for his face to cool down. Behind him in the kitchen, Sousuke was pulling down cups and pouring out drinks for them. Makoto slowly stood and walked towards the kitchen where Sousuke was. The taller man handed him a glass of tea and poured himself another. After he took a sip, he asked, “So, should we gab about some gossip, or do you wanna play a video game?”

Makoto realized a moment too late it was a joke, and finally he laughed, his smile wobbling awkwardly. He took a sip of his drink and stared after Sousuke as he walked off laughing. 

“You know, I still haven’t quite figured you out,” said Sousuke from the living room now as he pulled out a box with two controllers in it. Makoto stood in the kitchen, watching him with a feeling settling in his stomach. He glanced around the apartment, thought about the fact that he was all alone here with, probably, the love of his life. He chewed at his lip as he held his glass in two hands, frozen by the way he felt. It had come on so fast, though it had been present in smaller ways all day. 

Sousuke amazed him. He never ceased to surprise Makoto, with how easy-going he was, how he accepted Makoto’s quirks, how he rode a _motorcycle_. Makoto stared at his broad back now as the other worked to set up his gaming system, and he wondered how it was possible that someone could look so good in just a t-shirt and jeans. He felt like a blob compared to Sousuke. 

Aqua eyes shifted back and peered at him over the back of the couch, Makoto so lost in thought he didn’t notice. Sousuke stood again and walked back over to him, leaning over to whisper, “What’re you thinking about, Tachibana?”

Makoto yelped aloud and startled back to reality, reeling back from Sousuke, who was very close. A hand caught him and his glass, and Sousuke helped the other right himself again. “There you go making yourself a mystery again,” he said with a confused smile. 

“Sorry,” rushed Makoto, but Sousuke just smiled. 

He leaned in again and said, “By the way, you look nice today.” Makoto was bright red by the time he pulled back a few seconds later. “Not that you don’t always,” he added before turning away and motioning over his shoulder for Makoto to follow. He grabbed two pillows off his couch for them and handed one of the controllers off to Makoto. 

He wasn’t sure why Sousuke even really cared to figure him out, though he thought he was a fairly simple human anyways. The most exciting thing about him was maybe that he was gay, and that wasn’t always so exciting for Makoto. He glanced at Sousuke’s profile and wondered what it was like to be _popular_ and gay; must be nice. Also, who had given Sousuke permission to give him those random compliments? He pushed at his glasses and huffed, Sousuke glancing at him. Aqua eyes looked his profile slowly over, Sousuke turning his face after a while to fully look at Makoto. 

“You don’t believe me,” he said finally, looking like he was analyzing Makoto. Green eyes snapped to him and he blinked in confusion. “That you always look nice; you don’t believe me.”

Makoto barked out an awkward laugh, wondering why Sousuke had to bring it up again. He wished he had a hood to pull over his face and hide himself. He reached up and tugged at the brim of a baseball cap that wasn’t there. Sousuke didn’t miss his nervous habit. 

“You’re so shy most of the time, but sometimes you come out of your shell and I can see that you’re a fun person. Why are you so worried about it?”

Makoto made a weird face and tugged at his hair instead. 

Suddenly Sousuke was leaning in closer, watching Makoto up close with those gorgeous aqua eyes that saw everything. It made Makoto curl up a little, trying to get away. 

“You’re so fascinating,” murmured Sousuke softly. 

Makoto sat up like he’d received a shot of electricity to his spine as a feeling gripped ahold of him, and he said, “You should stop saying shit like that already.”

Sousuke was visibly taken aback by Makoto’s hard tone. They stared at each other. 

“Does it make you uncomfortable?” Sousuke finally asked slowly. 

_If you only knew what I know_ , Makoto thought miserably as the feeling in the pit of his stomach grew. He wanted to kiss Sousuke. God, he loved him. He physically pushed it down, hands sinking to clench against the laminate flooring beneath them. “It’s just weird, isn’t it?” he lied. “Guys don’t usually say that stuff to each other.”

Sousuke leaned back a little and suddenly he grinned, an evil glint to his eyes as he rushed back in and whispered mischievously, “Hey, Makoto, you’re pretty.”

And then he just turned away, eyeing from the side the damage he’d done as Makoto colored entirely red and made a choked noise in his shock. Sousuke, the devil, just giggled and started up the game he’d picked out for them. Makoto thought for a wild second he could get him back, he could lean over and kiss his cheek, but thankfully his sanity kicked in and he blushed again, covering his mouth with a shaking hand. Maybe this had been a terrible idea. He pushed his knees up, thighs against his chest as he tried to hide his feelings there, praying they wouldn’t escape. 

The few hours they passed playing games helped Makoto calm down, until Sousuke threw himself against the floor dramatically at losing to Makoto, Makoto taking the most wins between them. He rolled his head and peered over at Makoto, who was scrolling through the list of characters on screen, quietly reading stats. Sousuke noted his relaxed posture, the way he leaned over and his shirt rode up a little in the back, the way he was so focused and so... cute. 

Makoto had no clue that Sousuke was watching him, that he was trying to figure the brunet out. When he finally glanced over to ask if they wanted another rematch, he found Sousuke laying there with the softest expression. Makoto froze, let aqua eyes drift over his face. 

“You’re thinking weird things again,” he whispered, trying not to betray the choke to his voice. 

Sousuke blinked at him but didn’t move. 

“Why are you so insecure?” Sousuke asked out of nowhere, and Makoto felt shock and a bit of anger run through him. 

“I’m not insecure. I’m a realist,” he clipped back, turning away to hide his pursed lips. 

Sousuke slowly shifted up to his elbows; Makoto could feel him still watching him. 

“As an outsider, I’m going to have to disagree with you there.”

“You’re just weird, then,” Makoto bit back quietly. He didn’t want to talk about this, not with the man that he was so blindly in love with that he currently felt like crying. Why did it have to be Sousuke, who seemed so determined to pull Makoto completely apart to analyze him? 

Sousuke sat up so fast and leaned forward that Makoto turned with wide eyes to see what he was going to do. He flinched when Sousuke reached up, felt fear rocket through him when his glasses started slipping off. He opened his eyes wide and smacked the frames back to his face, staring at Sousuke with wide eyes. Sousuke looked shocked too, his hand still raised from where he’d been pulling Makoto’s glasses off.

“Don’t do that!” yelled Makoto, shaking in true fear. There was absolutely no way he could let Sousuke figure out now that he was the guy from the party. He shuffled back and stood quickly, feeling unsafe and unbalanced. 

“I should go,” he said, rushed as he went to gather his bag. 

“Wait! Tachibana!”

Makoto didn’t listen. He couldn’t stay any longer; he’d do something bad, or he’d get discovered, and he couldn’t have either of those things happening. 

“Let’s just focus on our project from now on,” he said in a short tone, turning to the door. “Thanks for today; I’ll pay you back for the shake.”

His left hand grabbed the cool metal of the doorknob as another hand grabbed his right. Sousuke pulled him around, Makoto stubbornly only pivoting halfway. He stared defiantly at the ground below his feet. 

“I didn’t mean to upset you, I’m sorry,” Sousuke said, and he sounded so earnest that it made Makoto want to turn back and hug him. He kept himself where he was. 

“Sousuke, I think it’s better if we just work on the project,” he reiterated. Sousuke’s palm was warm around his wrist. He should pull away and leave, but he couldn’t. 

“What did I do wrong? God damnit!” The curse was thrown to the ground, quieter. Sousuke looked back up and said, “I just want to be friends, Makoto.”

“Don’t you have plenty of friends already?!” Makoto yelped back, wide-eyed, mind racing with disbelief as the floor swam a little in his vision. “I’m not a pet project! I’m not something to amuse you as you analyze my quirks and weird habits! I’m just a human, and I want to be left alone!” He pulled away and grabbed at the door with both hands, turning the knob before realizing too late it was locked. He shuffled his hands to unlock the deadbolt, but Sousuke had caught him again, this time with arms caging him in against the door. 

“I don’t see you that way, Makoto. I just like being around you. You’re fun, you’re refreshing. Everyone else is the same, desperate to be my friend, to get something from me, but you’re the only one who tries everything to run away from me. It makes me-“ he stopped there as he took in Makoto’s shaking shoulders, slowly stepping back and letting his hands fall away. 

“I’m sorry,” he said again as Makoto rushed out of his apartment, slamming the door behind him as he ran. Tears burned hot in his eyes, his heart breaking and pounding hard. If he was anyone else, if he was Halloween Makoto, drunk Makoto, he’d run back, grab a fistful of soft black hair and kiss Sousuke hard. But he was weak and cowardly and stupid. He’d let himself think it was okay, that he could do it, but Sousuke wasn’t content with the facade Makoto put up for others. He wanted to see underneath it and only one person had looked under there and not walked away, and that was Gou. 

He dialed her number as he ran across campus, and she picked up and asked frantically what was wrong as he panted against his phone, silent. He shut his apartment door behind him as soon as he got inside and burst into tears; Gou went deathly quiet on the other end. 

“Gou, I can’t do this. I can’t,” he choked out as he gripped at his shirt, at his chest. It ached so badly there. She quietly listened to him until he hung up and fitfully fell asleep, exhausted. 

He ignored Sousuke’s texts, wondering what Sunday would bring. He couldn’t think about it now; he would just pour himself into his schoolwork.


	4. Chapter 4

Gou had been acting weird ever since Makoto had called her the day he’d hung out with Sousuke. She hadn’t said anything about it, but she seemed overly attentive to Makoto’s moods and mumblings. She’d asked to come over on Saturday, and she spent the day laying on his bed, playing one of his games or scrolling through her phone. He was sure she noticed the way his phone screen would light up, the way he would ignore it or glance at it and look away again. Sousuke was still texting him, trying to explain, and it wasn’t that he was angry at Sousuke, he was angry at himself. He wanted to just be able to put his feelings aside and be Sousuke’s friend, but so many things got in the way for Makoto, things he couldn’t explain to Sousuke, that he’d decided for now it was easier to just give up. 

Sunday came whether Makoto wanted it to or not, and he sighed wearily as he pulled on his backpack, ready for the short trek to the library. The only thing he’d said to Sousuke was that he would be at the library at 11. It would be up to Sousuke whether he came or not. 

He wasn’t all too surprised to see Sousuke there, after all, anxiously drumming his fingers against the table he sat at, exuding an impatient aura. The library was emptier than it had been last time, and Makoto thought he could still turn around and leave; he had enough to wing the presentation by himself, probably. But something made him walk forward, sliding silently into the seat opposite Sousuke, silently setting down his bag. He didn’t look at Sousuke as he pulled out his laptop and notes, but he could feel aqua eyes watching him closely. When he did finally look up, the two stared at each other in a long moment of silence. 

“I wasn’t sure you’d come,” breathed Sousuke like he was so happy to see Makoto actually there. He didn’t smile, though, and his eyes never strayed from Makoto. 

“We have to finish the project,” mumbled Makoto softly. 

“I’m glad to see you,” said Sousuke like Makoto hadn’t said anything at all. He still wasn’t smiling, and his eyes seemed to be looking for an answer in Makoto’s face or words. 

Makoto frowned and taped at his notebook. “Let’s just get this finished,” he said, but he hated every word he uttered. He hated being this way, but even now, he found it hard to look at Sousuke or be calm in his presence. 

“Makoto,” called Sousuke. When the other still didn’t look at him, he finally gave up and whispered, “I’m sorry. What can I do, Makoto? Should we start over?”

Makoto almost wanted to laugh, thinking of how their relationship had actually started. God, he’d love to start over. He’d love to be shameless Makoto one more time, be the man that Sousuke took to bed and fucked so well. He opened his notes without a word and fingered at the worn pages; he couldn’t look at Sousuke. He wanted to apologize, but he couldn’t. He didn’t want it to be this hard. He should be able to just focus on their assignment and forget about it all afterwards, but it wasn’t working that way. 

He blinked in surprise when a large hand reached across the table to him. He stared at it, not understanding. 

“Hi, I’m Sousuke.” Green eyes drifted upwards and finally, finally Sousuke smiled, though it was a small, heartbroken thing. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Makoto reached timidly across the table, realizing how corny this was but ultimately not caring at all, and took Sousuke’s fingers between his own, a barely-touching handshake. “Hi,” he whispered. And then he pulled his hand back to his lap and said, “Can we get back to the project?”

Aqua eyes watched him for another few moments, but finally Sousuke nodded and lowered his eyes to his own laptop, hands raising to his keyboard. The library slowly filled up around them, other students studying, and it became easier to work in silence. 

A few hours later, Makoto’s eyes starting to blur and cross from staring at his screen for so long, his laptop chirped that he had a text message. A window popped up on his screen; he clicked it warily. 

_I’m getting hungry._ typed Sousuke. _Can we go get some lunch, please?_ He’d added little begging hands. 

Makoto hid his smile in his oversized sweater. He bit his lip; he wished it wasn’t this easy for the other to make him smile. 

_You owe me at least a drink._

Makoto tried to ignore Sousuke’s persistent texts. He wasn’t sure if he could do lunch, wondering how awkward the silence would be between them. 

_You can pick anywhere. I’ll treat if you buy my drink._

Makoto pulled his hoodie up farther. 

_Okay, I’ll pay for my drink, too._

He glanced up at Sousuke over the edge of his screen, but the other man was glued to his phone. 

_Makoto._

_I know you’re reading these._

_Makoto, you look adorable today._

Makoto jerked back a little in his chair and aqua eyes slid up to him: caught. 

_Makoto~_

The brunet slowly closed his laptop and his notebook. He picked up his book bag in slow movements and packed away his things. Sousuke jumped and followed suit, moving much faster. He jogged after Makoto as he headed outside, nearly ran into him when the brunet stopped abruptly. Without a word, Makoto pointed down the street to a small bakery he’d always wanted to go to, but it seemed a little too expensive for his small college budget. If Sousuke was offering the pay, he’d at least make it a good choice, whether it was to be malicious or not. 

They walked to the cafe in silence, and Makoto was glad Sousuke didn’t try to talk. He strolled behind the other, aqua eyes trained on his back, Makoto feeling it through the hood of his sweater. He could always tell somehow when Sousuke was watching him. 

The bell above the door jangled softly as he opened it, the place small and cozy. Behind the counter was an older lady, with a bob of brown hair that made her look ten years younger. She smiled and waved the boys inside. Makoto stepped right up to the counter as Sousuke looked around in amazement; he ordered a croissant sandwich, a flavored lemonade, and a desert. The total was already over $25, and Sousuke the big eater had yet to order; Makoto almost felt bad, but Sousuke stepped up to the counter next without even a glimmer of worry in his expression. He asked for a sandwich platter, an extra side of salad, and two deserts, as well as a coffee. Makoto had to cover his mouth when he saw the grand total, Sousuke staring somberly at the digital display. Makoto turned and hustled to a table near the window, afraid to get scolded but also feeling a little giddy for being so terrible. When Sousuke joined him, setting down a small numbered sign, he focused his eyes out the window, feeling a little proud of himself despite the fact that he hadn’t intended to be cruel about this. 

But then Sousuke laughed. Makoto turned his head and looked him over in surprise. Sousuke was grinning wide at him, eyes shut like he couldn’t be happier. “Good choice,” he said like he was actually proud of Makoto, and the other couldn’t help the small smile that pulled at his lips. He hid it behind his hand as he looked out the window again. 

He didn’t expect to see Gou standing outside the cafe, staring back at him with a grin that was anything but innocent. Red eyes flashed to Sousuke and her grin got bigger. 

“Oh no,” whispered Makoto, horrified, as he sat up straight. Sousuke hadn’t noticed the redhead making a fast approach to the cafe entrance yet. Makoto turned his head just as the bell rang, shaking his head at Gou, but she didn’t even glance at him at all. 

She stopped at the edge of their table and flashed Makoto a peace sign. Then she turned confidently to Sousuke and smiled wide at him, his surprise clear on his face as a random girl introduced herself enthusiastically.

“I’m this doofus’ best friend,” she explained with a thumb over her shoulder at Makoto, who frowned violently up at her. 

“Oh!” said Sousuke, his face going so gorgeously innocent and happy that Makoto thought it was unfair that it was directed at Gou the intruder. Gou lit up at his response, and it made Makoto wish everything was different. He wished this was Gou meeting his boyfriend, or his two best friends meeting, or anything but this awkward mess it currently was. He knew Gou knew this all too well as she slid into the booth next to Makoto at Sousuke’s invite for her to join them for lunch. Sousuke glanced at Makoto and smiled far too sweetly at him to be any kind of fair. Makoto turned away and pouted at the window, angry about so many things, wanting to cry again. Under the table, Gou’s fingers laced between his own and she squeezed his hand. 

“Makoto’s told me so much about you,” she crooned with a gooey smile. “I was so curious to meet you~!”

Aqua eyes swiveled to Makoto in uncertainty to confirm, but Makoto was stubbornly facing away. Gou wasn’t lying, but she was also being a butt. He wasn’t sure if he was more mad at her or himself. 

“I’m not lying,” she said sweetly, pulling Sousuke’s attention back to her. “Mako’s silence will tell you that much, right?” She leaned forward on her free hand and elbow; she was already testing to see if he was smart enough to read Makoto, who she claimed to be an open book most of the time. His smile told her all she needed to know. “Good,” she murmured gleefully. She squeezed Makoto’s hand below the table, and he frowned deeper into the palm of his hand. 

“I hope it’s nothing too bad,” he said with a lopsided smile, and Gou laughed. 

“Mm, only a little.”

Sousuke’s silence spoke volumes, however brief it was. He laughed, probably trying to figure out what kind of person Gou was. Makoto wondered if he’d be shocked to know she was actually very honest. 

They babbled on, Makoto growing restless in his seat. He played with the ends of his worn sweater, his zipper. He lost track of their conversation, until Gou reached a hand into his hood and pulled it off his head, mussing his hair lovingly in the process. He slowly turned and found her smiling at him, Sousuke staring down at his drink and smiling softly. What had they been talking about? What had she said? 

She fussed quietly with his hair and adjusted his glasses, little things she did to show she loved him a lot, and it was embarrassing for Sousuke to be there to witness it. Makoto wanted to knock her hand away but it was too comforting to him to actually do so, so he quietly let her fuss. 

Their food came and while Sousuke was distracted, she leaned in towards Makoto and whispered, “Mako, babe, he’s wonderful. Please be a little sweeter to him.”

He blinked his conflicted green eyes at her, and she smiled with an understanding beyond his years. She patted softly at his cheek. Then she turned and declared, “That looks yummy! I think I’ll get myself something.”

Makoto pressed some cash into her hand, watching her flounce off. It was an old habit, and he wondered now if it seemed strange to Sousuke, but the other man was smiling softly at him when he turned to look. 

“She seems really amazing,” he said calmly. 

Makoto nodded slowly. “She’s the best,” he agreed quietly, trying not to sound too proud. 

Aqua eyes watched him, trying to decode him again. Makoto pushed at his glasses, staring down at his lunch. 

“Are you upset?” Sousuke asked suddenly, making Makoto look up sharply, questions in his eyes. 

He wordlessly worked his lips, finally shaking his head and saying softly, “No.” Then, “Thank you for lunch, Sousuke.”

The other’s smile got a little bigger, and he sat up a little straighter. “Ah,” he said like he was almost embarrassed. “It’s no problem.”

Makoto turned back down to his sandwich, poked at it, and then said quickly, “She has a boyfriend, by the way.”

He could feel Sousuke staring at the top of his head in dead silence for a long while. Makoto wanted to kick himself for saying it. He wasn’t sure why he even had. 

Sousuke’s voice was soft when he spoke again. “It’s okay.

“I already have someone I like.”

Makoto’s head jerked up, Sousuke’s eyes warm and locked on him, but he didn’t even get a chance to gape in shock as Gou walked back up and slid back into her seat. 

“What’d I miss?” she asked with a grin that suggested her leaving had been meant as a moment for the two to bond or whatever, and Makoto quickly turned his head down to his lunch again as he blushed. He had been about to be so obvious, he could feel it in his bones. 

Of course Sousuke hadn’t meant _him_! Why had he even thought it?! He bit hard at the inside of his cheek, so disappointed and upset with himself. He was the problem; it was glaringly obvious. He couldn’t be calm and cool for even two seconds; he had to make it weird at every opportunity. He clenched his fists in his lap, and Gou stilled a little beside him when she noticed. She turned back to Sousuke and laughed at something he’d said, but her hand crept over Makoto’s knee and she pushed her long nails hard into his skin, bitingly painful. He gasped quietly, glancing at her. 

She was scolding him because she knew exactly what he was currently doing. She knew him unsettlingly well; he currently wasn’t a fan of it. He clenched his fists harder, frowned violently down at his lap, his face hidden by his sweater. Every once in a while the heat of gorgeous eyes slipped over him. 

“Eat,” hushed Gou when he was starting to creep into weirdo mode with how long he sat like that. He slowly unwound his hands and sat up a little, reaching for his food. She released her death grip of his leg and soothed up his thigh before pulling away. Sousuke was watching the whole thing, and Makoto wondered if it was a good or bad thing that he saw how fragile and co-dependent he was. He ate silently, Gou and Sousuke filling the silence every once in a while with easy conversation. 

When Gou finished her food, she thanked them both and stood, sliding something across to Sousuke before bidding the two farewell. Makoto watched her go as Sousuke fingered at the little piece of paper she’d given him. 

“Makoto,” he said to call his attention. He slid the torn napkin she’d used as a writing tool across the table so he could see. His green eyes drifted slowly down to it, to Gou’s number on the edge of a white paper napkin. 

“Is it okay?” he asked quietly. 

Makoto’s instant thought was that it wasn’t up to him, but when he looked up at Sousuke, he realized what the other was asking. He was still treading slowly on what he thought was thin ice. He didn’t want to upset Makoto, but more than that, he valued Makoto over his potential friendship with Gou. Makoto’s hand slid up to grip at his sweater, his heart beating a little irregularly. He met Sousuke’s eyes and whispered, “Yeah, it’s okay.”

Sousuke smiled slowly, sweetly, not letting go of Makoto’s gaze. Makoto scratched at his cheek. 

“It’s okay,” he repeated to the other, nodding slowly at Sousuke. Maybe he could just drag Gou along if Sousuke wanted to hang out again; maybe if he made it a three-of-them thing, he could be okay and normal about it. 

Sousuke let out the slowest, deepest sigh, his eyes wavering a little on Makoto like he was overemotional. Makoto broke their locked eyes and frowned down at the table, at his empty plates. He picked up his fork and picked at the crumbs of his cake. The food had been amazingly yummy. 

“We should come here again,” said Sousuke. Makoto agreed instantly. 

His eyes jerked up to Sousuke’s when he realized what he’d agreed to. 

“Is it okay?” Sousuke asked again. This time it felt less like treading on thin ice and more like respect. It confused Makoto and made his stomach pull a little tight. He frowned again, Sousuke watching him. 

“Yeah,” Makoto said slowly. “It’s okay, I guess.” 

Sousuke smiled at him. 

Makoto felt confused, out of his element. No one usually cared enough to respect his answer, to wait, or even ask. He blinked at Sousuke, who was typing Gou’s number into his phone. He turned away and frowned out the window instead. 

_It’s okay_ , he tried to tell himself. 

x

The first few times Sousuke asked Makoto if he wanted to go running again, Makoto politely declined. At first he gave excuses about having school work, or needing to study, but after a while he just said, “No, thanks.”

It seemed that Gou and Sousuke had become friends almost overnight. Once in a while, Gou would say something about Sousuke and Makoto would frown at her in mild discontent. He said it was because he didn’t like to hear about Sousuke, but they both knew the truth was that Makoto didn’t like how easy it was for Gou to befriend the man. Well, she had always been a few classes above Makoto anyways, so it’s not like it didn’t make sense; it made more sense than her being friends with him in any case. But he just... didn’t like it. 

Because, he wanted to be friends with Sousuke. He really, really did. And then something more, and god, he wanted that man to fuck him again and ruin him good, maybe even for a long time. But if he became friends, whether that was actually a plausible outcome, despite what Sousuke claimed, then Makoto would get greedy, and if he got greedy, he would slip up and spill secrets. So he had to sit with his malcontent and disappointment, he had to turn down invites from Sousuke, and he had to wallow in self-pity. 

Gou highly disagreed, of course, and lambasted him every time for being a mopey baby, but Makoto was already at the end of his rope, and saying yes to Sousuke even once could make him loose all control. Just because Sousuke thought he liked him enough to be friends, there was no way it would ever be anything more. Everyone disagreed with him, even Seijuro, the traitor, but Makoto had to stick firm to it. 

“Let’s go running,” exclaimed Gou one day, and Makoto should have instantly known she was up to something, but he was stressed and buried in schoolwork and so he just grumbled, “Yeah, fine.”

He didn’t even remember it had happened two minutes later, and when someone knocked loud on his door the next morning, he was bewildered. In his Spider-Man pj pants, he ambled to the door and looked through the peephole. Bright red eyes stared up at him, Gou bouncing to and fro in excitement. He opened the door with a frown, “Did we have plans?”, but his words caught in his throat as he saw who stood next to her. He blinked wide up at Sousuke, and Sousuke blinked back at him, taking in his bare chest and ridiculously childish pajamas. 

Makoto slammed his door shut, Gou complaining loudly on the other side. There was a pause and then two soft voices were laughing quietly together. 

“Stop laughing at me!” he yelped in embarrassment, covering himself with his arms even as he stood alone in his apartment. “Why are you here?!”

His mind raced as he tried to remember what he’d agreed to. Vaguely, he recalled Gou asking him something yesterday. 

“We came to run!” Gou said, tongue in cheek. Makoto knew she had no plans on actually running with them. Gou didn’t run. She was just here to deliver Sousuke to him. He growled and stared down at his feet in anger, at himself, at her for tricking him, and at damn Sousuke for being so damn handsome even at... 8 in the morning?! He groaned slowly and said through the door, “Gou, you can leave. I’ll be out in a second, Sousuke.”

Gou yelped happily and bid the other male a good bye. On the other side of the door, sneakers squeaked softly. Makoto felt bad for leaving him out there, but there was no way he could let the man into his tiny room. He quickly brushed his teeth and combed his hair, pulling on sweats and a shirt. He searched for five minutes for clean socks and finally relented to a mismatched pair, and tied up his sneakers. He tossed his door open, keys in hand, and blinked at Sousuke, who turned away from the wall he’d been leaning on to look at him. 

“Sorry,” mumbled Makoto as he locked his door. 

Sousuke scratched his head and said, apologetically, “She didn’t tell you, huh?”

“No, I- She snuck it on me.”

“If you don’t want to-“

Makoto glanced to the side and sighed, but he smiled at Sousuke anyways as he said, “No, it’s okay. I need the exercise. I’ve been cooped up and stressed.”

Sousuke quietly watched his side profile as they made their way out of his building. 

“Uh,” Makoto began awkwardly as they stepped outside into the chilly, late Fall air. “I usually just run around the dorm buildings a few times, but we can do something else-“

“That’s fine,” said Sousuke with a calm smile. He shifted his water bottle to his other hand and set off without another word. Makoto realized with a start he’d forgotten his own water, but now he could only run to catch up to Sousuke and pray he’d be all right without. 

He wasn’t. Two laps in, he was dying. Sousuke glanced at him as he swallowed for the hundredth time, glancing down and noting that Makoto had brought no water. Without a word, he held out his own bottle, but Makoto didn’t even have to think twice before pushing it back. “No, thanks.”

“You need water,” Sousuke said after a few minutes and a second attempt at handing off his bottle. 

“I’ll be... all right,” Makoto panted hard. He felt woozy and dehydrated. One more lap...

But then his knees buckled and he barely caught himself, coming to an abrupt halt. Sousuke stopped a few steps after and walked back, pushing his bottle into Makoto’s face. “Drink,” he commanded, and Makoto wished it didn’t sound so delicious. He swallowed dryly and stared blearily at the bottle. It had a twist top on it, with a straw at the top. Maybe if he just unscrewed the top and drank from that, lips not touching. He carefully took the bottle from Sousuke and was about to unscrew the top part when Sousuke flipped the straw up for him, his eyes watching and waiting. Makoto glanced at him nervously. 

“Just drink, Makoto.”

Makoto nodded slowly and brought the big straw to his lips, taking a small sip. Cool water hit his tongue and he gasped, suddenly chugging like it was his life blood. Sousuke watched him with a small, proud smile growing. He pulled back after a few minutes with a loud gasp, and stared in dismay at how much he’d drunk. Nearly half the water was gone. “Crap,” he murmured apologetically as he glanced at Sousuke, but the other just smiled and said, “You can have more if you need it.”

Makoto shook his head and handed the bottle back. “Thank you so mu-“

Sousuke, without blinking, lifted the bottle now to his own lips and took three long draws of the liquid inside. Makoto’s mouth hung open on his last word. Sousuke blinked at him and the brunet clamped his mouth shut, turning away as red spread over his skin. 

“Thanks,” he mumbled again as he began running once more. He didn’t look back, but he heard Sousuke’s soles slapping against concrete join his own. He swallowed and tried to focus solely on the pavement before them, but his mind kept recalling the ease with which Sousuke drank right after him. He knew it shouldn’t matter, but it did, because all he could think about was Sousuke kissing him, licking his lips, pulling him into his lap and-

He stopped again and Sousuke nearly plowed into him. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked in concern as he held his water bottle up again. Makoto bent over and shook his head, his face so red as he tried to stop his current train of thought. Sousuke went silent, and Makoto was sure he could see his ears turning red. He slowly straightened up, his cheeks still flushed, and said, “I’m so sorry...”

Sousuke’s eyes showed his concern, and Makoto wished the other wasn’t so kind. He smiled a shaky thing and nodded forward. 

“I’m all right. Let’s just finish this lap.”

Thankfully, there were no more incidents, and Sousuke and Makoto jogged to the front of his dorm building after completing three full circuits. Sousuke glanced to his parked bike and then asked, “Do you mind if I use your bathroom real quick?”

Makoto blinked, tried to remember if he’d put away everything that would cause him embarrassment. “Yeah, I guess.” He couldn’t say no after Sousuke had saved him with his water.

He turned with Sousuke behind him and racked his brain for anything that might have gotten left out, but he couldn’t think of anything. Sousuke was quiet behind him until they got to his door and he jangled his keys to unlock it. 

“Listen, I’d really like it if we could make this a more regular thing. It’s boring to run alone all the time.” Sousuke leaned against the wall, eyes on Makoto. The other was fumbling with his keys, nervous. He bit at his bottom lip and tried unlocking his door again. 

“I don’t want to be pushy, but I want us to be friends...” Sousuke scratched at his head then. “I thought at first you just didn’t like me, but Gou said that’s not true, so-“

Makoto finally got his door open and escaped inside, leaving it open for Sousuke. He ran to his bathroom, pretending to show where it was as he checked for bad items. It seemed clear; Sousuke had stopped into the middle of his room, watching him. With the two of them in the room, the space seemed tiny and way too crowded. Makoto waved his hand at the bathroom with nervous energy boiling in his bones and tried for a smile. Sousuke, after a moment, moved towards the small room. Makoto sank pitifully against his bed, wanting to cry. He wanted to beg Sousuke to just forget it, but he couldn’t help instead, being happy that Gou had cleared the air, that Sousuke was still trying. Because, it was easy with Sousuke. Despite all of his mess of feelings and his own nervous ticks, Sousuke was great and fun and easy to be around. Makoto knew he probably needed a few more friends; he couldn’t stick to Gou forever. He clenched his hands and stared blearily at them. He almost didn’t hear Sousuke come back out. 

He glanced up, Sousuke quietly watching him. 

“I want to be friends,” Makoto admitted finally, quietly. “But I’m weird and people have gotten bored and I just... don’t want you to waste your time on someone like me...”

Silence stretched on between them, and Makoto buried his face in his hands. His eyes burned. This would all be easier if he was normal and attractive and well-adjusted. The bed creaked next to him and he shocked upwards, staring at Sousuke who watched him with the saddest look in his gorgeous eyes. 

“Why do you think so lowly of yourself?” Sousuke asked after a while, voice strong but quiet. Makoto turned away, not sure if he could get into this. He bit at his lip as tears came. It wasn’t like he’d had a particularly traumatizing childhood, but it had been hard; his parents had moved him from school to school when he was younger and he’d decided somewhere along the line that making friends if he just had to leave them was too much, so he’d stopped trying, and most of the kids left him alone. No one talked to the kid who wore light-up superhero shoes and toted around a backpack full of comics and manga. He’d had a good childhood; just lonely. Gou had been the only bright light to his daily existence, but aside from that, he’d just accepted that he wasn’t really that fun or great. 

“I don’t know,” responded Makoto with as steady a voice as he could manage. It wasn’t the truth, but it wasn’t a lie either. He tried for a laugh and said, “I mean, have you seen me?”

Sousuke said so quickly and plainly, “Yeah, I have, and I don’t get it.”

Makoto swiveled his head around and stared wide-eyed at Sousuke, forgetting he’d been crying until Sousuke frowned and reached out to wipe his face. He jerked back and nearly smacked Sousuke’s hand away, but instead he grabbed at his forearm and pulled it to his chest. He tried to smile, Sousuke’s fingers cool against his collar bone now, but it was hard. Realizing what he was doing, he let the other go with a gasp a moment later, but Sousuke paused. He slowly unfurled his fingers and reached further up, cupping Makoto’s cheek and ear, both burning red. 

“I really don’t get it, Makoto. You’re smart and funny and easy to get along with. You’re kind and considerate, and you’re handsome.”

Eyes darted down to Makoto’s chest for a moment, then back up as Sousuke grinned a little, “You’ve obviously got a killer body that you’re hiding under there.”

Makoto clamped at his shirt and pulled away from Sousuke’s warmth, trying to curl up on himself. 

“So, I really don’t get it. All you have to do is look in the mirror, look at Gou-“

Makoto shook his head violently, laughing through a sob, “God knows why that girl has stuck with me. She’s crazy, I think.”

“Or maybe you’re actually an amazing person,” Sousuke countered easily, reaching again to wipe Makoto’s hot tears as they flowed freely now. “Makoto, I think you’re great, and I know Gou does too. If it’s a confidence boost you need, I’ll tell you everyday. Just- you’re great, and I want to be friends.”

“Why does it matter if it’s me?” Makoto blurted out, blinking through tears at Sousuke. “I mean, I’m sure you have so many people who want to be your friend-“

“Well, most of them just want to fuck me,” Sousuke said with the straightest face, and Makoto would have laughed if it didn’t pain him to know he was the same. Well, he wanted more than sleeping together, he wanted... love, but essentially, he was not much different. “Or they’re after me to get some kind of clout off me.”

Makoto frowned and looked away. “People are gonna talk if they see us hanging out together, you know.”

Sousuke leaned on his elbow and grinned. “Good,” he said as he peered up at Makoto. 

Makoto looked away for a long while, and finally he said, “Fine. I’ll have Gou help me find some new clothes. If we’re going to be friends, the least I can do is not make you look bad-“

But Sousuke wasn’t listening anymore; instead he was pulling Makoto into a big hug. He was a little warm and sweaty, but he still smelled good, smelled like memories, and Makoto shut his eyes tightly. 

“You don’t have to change anything, but I think,” Sousuke said as he pulled back to smile at Makoto, “it would help you feel more confident about yourself, and that’s what I want the most.”

Makoto scoffed, but he couldn’t deny that it couldn’t hurt to try a little. He brushed nervously through his hair, felt two big hands comb through his bangs on either side of his face and lift his chin up. Beautiful turquoise eyes stared at Makoto, took him in. 

“You’re a handsome guy, Makoto. Anyone would be lucky to be seen with you.”

Makoto’s mouth worked over a denial, but he didn’t voice it, just met Sousuke’s eyes and frowned a little. 

“Wanna go running again tomorrow?” Sousuke asked with a grin. 

Makoto shut his eyes and laughed, unable to help it at Sousuke’s enthusiasm. “Yeah, sure.”

He opened his eyes again and caught the last second of wide, aqua eyes. Sousuke was the one who looked away this time as he stood. He paused for a moment, like something had caught his eyes, and then he slowly turned back to Makoto, smile growing quietly. 

“See you tomorrow, Makoto,” he said, and Makoto wondered if he was imagining the way Sousuke dragged out his name a little like it was the first time he was saying it. 

He stared down at his hands and couldn’t help but laugh. 

x 

Gou smirked over her pillow, and it seemed a familiar sight as Makoto held his hands away from his body and stood awkwardly in his dorm room. Gou had hauled him out yesterday to go clothes shopping, crazy ideas in her head fueled by whatever she imagined had happened after she’d left Sousuke on his doorstep the previous morning. She’d pulled out the credit card her parents had given her for “emergencies”, though an emergency to Gou constituted as anything she deemed alarming, which was... a lot of stuff. She’d grinned the whole time and he’d let her drag him around, glad at least that he wasn’t paying. It was hard for him not to wonder with every item she threw at him to try on what Sousuke would think of this.

They’d hauled home two full bags of clothes and now she was forcing him to model it all. The only change in the scene from the last time she’d grinned at him like that was Seijuro sitting on the floor against his bed. But he felt nearly just as awkward and unsure as he had in that stupid outfit Gou’d picked out for him for Halloween. 

“Gou, I don’t think-“

“Shush!” she demanded, staring up at him with stars in her eyes. He wore a fashionably loose and long maroon shirt she’d found for him, a pair of ripped jeans, and black boots. He tugged at the shirt. It was a little longer in the back than the front, made obvious where there was a slit at the sides of the shirt. He didn’t want to look in the mirror; the shirt swished oddly with every movement. She tossed a jean jacket at him. 

“Roll up the sleeves,” she demanded after he’d shuffled stiffly into it. 

“Gou, I don’t feel comfy...”

“It’s fashion,” she said in a deadpan tone, her eyes going dull as she stared at him. Seijuro glanced up from his phone, from where he was mindlessly rubbing at Gou’s dangling leg, and looked Makoto over. The brunet was surprised that Seijuro had seamlessly transitioned into an easy friendship with Makoto. He still found it startling that other people actually found him tolerable. 

“How does it look, Seijuro?” Makoto asked, giving him a look that begged to know the truth, man to man. 

Seijuro looked him over and said, “Well, I’d wear it.”

That was enough. Makoto had never seen Seijuro wear anything that didn’t look great on him. Gou wouldn’t have allowed it for even a moment otherwise. He woodenly turned to his mirror, already wincing. Before him stood a man he didn’t recognize, though the glasses and messy hair was at least familiar. He frowned at himself, but behind him, Gou was already moving. 

“Come here, sweetie.” She manhandled Makoto back around and promptly stole his glasses, pressing a contact case in his hands. “Go,” she ordered, and he quietly obliged, shuffling to his bathroom. 

A few minutes later, he came back out, and she turned him back to the mirror, leaning against his back. He focused on her smile, didn’t look at his reflection until he felt her hands comb up and into his hair, pulling it back, styling it a little. It feel loose a little since she wasn’t using any product, but suddenly someone else was standing there staring back at Makoto, and he almost gasped aloud. In the mirror, Gou’s red eyes sparkled bright as she looked him over. 

“Mako,” she breathed across his side, slipping under his arm, smiling wide and proud. And she should be, because although Makoto felt awkward and unlike himself, he had to admit he looked... nice. 

“Let me take a photo,” she whispered, turning him and combing his hair again. “Will you let me cut your hair?”

He sighed softly, but at this point he couldn’t deny her anything. She seemed suddenly some kind of miracle worker, and her hands felt nice in his hair. She smiled up at him and he gave her a wobbly one of his own. Then she stepped back and snapped several dozen photos of him, lifting his shirt and instructing him to push out his ass, until finally he swatted her away and Seijuro pulled her into his lap, nibbling at her neck until she squealed surrender. Makoto turned back to the mirror and slowly looked himself over. Only Seijuro saw as Gou picked out the best photo of the ones she taken, a full shot of Makoto, and sent it to Sousuke. Only he could see their conversation from two days ago. She turned up to look at him and pressed her finger to her lips, shushing him silently, and he rubbed affectionately at her hair. 

When Makoto glanced back and saw them making gooey eyes at each other, he playfully frowned deeply and said, “Ew, get a room.”

He reached for Gou and pulled her up again, as she declared, “I’m gonna go get my clippers and scissors. Put on your normal clothes and hang out with Sei until I get back.”

Makoto plopped down tiredly next to Seijuro and leaned his head back over his bed, sighing wearily after she’d gone. Quietly, he asked, “You’d tell me if I look stupid, right? Or if I’m trying too hard...” If he dressed like this after Sousuke had told him to, would the other think it was because Makoto cared what he thought, as more than a friend? 

Seijuro rolled his head to look at him and grinned. “You know, Sousuke would be lucky to have you,” was all he said, and Makoto turned beet red.

“Has she told you everything?” he asked in a tiny voice, and he was surprised to see Seijuro roll his eyes violently. 

“God, sometimes she won’t shut up about you. I’d worry if I didn’t know that she loves you only as a friend.”

Makoto laughed despite his embarrassment. “Even if I was straight, she’d be way too good for me.”

“No,” said Seijuro with a deprecating laugh. “No, I really don’t think so.”

Makoto jerked his head around, but Seijuro was staring at the ceiling. Makoto stared at him in wide-eyed disbelief, golden eyes finally swiveling over to rest on his face again. 

“Bro, just confess to him,” Seijuro said. His confidence made it seem like it was a done deal, but Makoto shook his head. 

“You wouldn’t understand, of course,” he half-joked, “but that doesn’t work for us nerds.”

Seijuro scoffed, but didn’t respond. Silence passed between them until Gou barged back in, and as she cut his hair, the clippers too loud near his ears to hold conversation, he thought about why everyone was trying so hard for his sake. It wasn’t like a makeover would change his life. He’d still be a nerd, and everyone would still know it. 

Well, that’s what he thought until the makeover kind of changed his life. 

x

Campus was quiet on Sunday morning, most people still nursing hangovers or waking up in stranger’s beds. Makoto pulled at his ball cap brim for the millionth time, overly self-conscious as he made his way to the library to meet with Sousuke. Gou had demanded he wear some of the new clothes she’d gotten him. Unsure of how to style his hair, and for comfort’s sake, he’d tossed on a ball cap, but the cold air raced across his freshly shaven head. She’d clipped the sides and back of his hair short, leaving the top long, styled up in a pompadour, but that was two days ago, and now he felt like a terrible imposter in foreign clothes and feeling too much wind on his scalp. He trudged onward to the library, praying Sousuke wouldn’t think him desperate and trying too hard, or worse, figure out his true motives. 

He wasn’t just trying to impress Sousuke, to make him proud to be seen with him. Not just, but mostly. The other, small part of him was just too tired to fight Gou anymore. 

The library was quiet, and Makoto found a seat at their usual table. He set himself up and got to work. He barely even noticed when their meet-up time came and rolled past, didn’t notice until his phone buzzed against the table. He scrambled to answer. 

Sousuke’s voice immediately filled his ears, and god, he sounded delicious and close. Makoto looked around, startled, but he was still alone. 

“I’m sorry, Makoto, I’m so late. I overslept-“

Makoto glanced at the clock on his laptop and whispered a soft, “Oh.”

Silence fell on the other end. “You didn’t even realize?”

Makoto suddenly felt terrible, biting at him lip. “It’s not-“

But Sousuke just gave a short laugh and waved him off. 

“I’ll be there soon,” Sousuke said, and suddenly he sounded a little breathless. Behind him, a voice spoke to him. Suddenly something clicked inside Makoto. 

“You don’t have to come if you’re busy,” he bit out, suddenly way more hurt than he had any right to be. He stared down at his stupid clothes and fancy shoes and terrible facade, and suddenly he wanted to cry. 

“Makoto?” Sousuke’s voice sounded far away. “No, Makoto-!”

But Makoto ended the call and set his phone down a little too harshly on the table. He was breathing hard, sweating. God, he was so pitiful. He’d probably completely misread the situation, but a fear had swelled so big inside him that Sousuke was late because he’d been with someone last night, and he couldn’t help it. He felt stupid, felt like he looked terrible, felt like a clown. He had to physically bite back his tears, pulling his cap down over his eyes. He barely registered when someone asked if the seat next to him was taken, barely noticed the person sitting down and setting up shop next to him. 

He didn’t notice anything until he heard a soft voice ask, “Are you okay?”

His head jerked up and wide green eyes caught on a pretty face, her eyes wide, too, as she stared back at him. Slowly, she smiled at him. “Are you okay?” she repeated, a quality to her voice that Makoto found startling and unfamiliar. She was batting long lashes at him, big, brown, doe-y eyes watching him. 

“I’m fine,” he said back, still not sure if she was even talking to him or if he was imagining this. He looked around, but they were alone. They were alone... He glanced slowly over the dozens of empty chairs and then slid his eyes back to her, to her seat right next to his. 

“Umm-“ he said awkwardly. 

She smiled at him, leaning in closer. “I’m Myra!”

He blinked again, not sure of what was happening at all. He shifted his cap nervously on his head, staring blankly at her. 

“Are you a student at the college here, too?”

He nodded, glanced around again, wondering where the camera crew was. What was going on?

“Uh, I’m waiting for-“ what, a friend? “-a classmate...”

She just smiled at him and tilted her head, and he’d seen the look on Gou enough to know this girl was feigning ignorance. Why, though?! He just stared at her in confusion. 

Wide brown eyes snapped suddenly upwards as a huge shadow cast over them, and Makoto turned his head slowly back and up. There stood Sousuke, his face shrouded by shadows from this angle. 

“Sorry I’m late, Makoto,” he said, though Makoto didn’t think he was looking at him at all. A hand grabbed around his bicep and pulled him out of his chair, leaning to gather his things for the other, and walking out with books and laptop and phone in arm, expecting Makoto to follow with no explanation. He tossed a look back at the girl but didn’t even know what to say to the stranger, so he just ran after Sousuke. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked as Sousuke began stuffing his stuff into the back of his bike. “Hey, careful-!” he yelped, lunging forward. 

“Damn it!” he heard Sousuke curse as his hands stilled. Slowly, he looked up at Makoto, took the other in. 

“I’m sorry I’m late,” he said again, but by now Makoto didn’t care. Sousuke looked breathtaking, hair messy from his helmet and wearing a leather jacket and dark tee, dark jeans. He had aviator sunglasses on, so it was hard to see his eyes, and it left Makoto unsettled.

“Can I see your bag?” Sousuke asked quietly, and Makoto handed it over stiffly. Sousuke carefully filled it with everything he’d grabbed at the library, placing it gently back into his little lock box on the back of his bike. 

“I’m hungry,” he said as he handed his helmet to Makoto. He reached over his bike and pulled Makoto’s hat off, tugging it over his own head instead. It was ridiculous how gorgeous he was; Makoto couldn’t move at all. 

“Where-“ he choked out as Sousuke straddled his bike. Thighs flexed in tight jeans and Makoto lost his words. 

“Let’s go eat somewhere out of town. I’m tired of everything here today.”

And as if that was explanation enough, he turned forward and started up his bike with a loud roar, and Makoto could do nothing but stiffly pull on the helmet and climb onto the back of the bike with Sousuke, going god-knows where. 

x

Sousuke was quiet. They’d driven for a good half hour and Sousuke had finally parked his bike on a street of a small little downtown area; Makoto didn’t even know where they were since he’d never ventured far from campus. Sousuke had quietly taken his helmet and handed him his bag, walking towards the small cafes that lined the street. Like he knew where he was going, Sousuke chose one that offered snacks and onigiri, holding the door open for Makoto, who silently ducked inside. A warm hand pressed softly to the small of his back and Sousuke led him to an empty booth in the back corner. The cafe was fairly empty; Sousuke was eyeing it up and Makoto wondered if that’s why he’d chosen it. 

He opened his mouth and murmured, “Have you been here before?”

Startling aqua eyes turned back to him and regarded him quietly. “No,” he said, simple. Makoto blinked in surprise. 

Slowly Sousuke unwound his shoulders and leaned forward, hands folded on the table before him. “I’m sorry.”

Makoto frowned. “You’re apologizing a lot lately.” It seemed so out of character and, although it proved Sousuke’s gentle nature, it left Makoto feeling unsettled. Sousuke had very few things to be apologizing for, especially to him. 

Sousuke looked about to apologize again, but then he smiled a little and said, “I know.” His expression melted to his normal softness as he looked Makoto slowly over. Makoto reached up to tug at his cap’s brim, but Sousuke was still wearing it, so he awkwardly combed back his hair instead. 

“Ugh, I feel weird,” he whispered to himself, Sousuke’s smile quirking a little like he’d heard, but he didn’t comment. 

“You look great,” was all he said, some kind of emotion behind the words that Makoto didn’t recognize. 

Makoto just frowned down at the table. A menu sat to his left and he picked it up and lifted it to hide behind. What were they doing here? Why had Sousuke dragged him out of the library to drive here? What was he thinking? 

The waitress came, seeming startled by the two of them sitting there, turning red as she tried to take their order. Makoto blinked at her in confusion, noticing the way Sousuke tensed up again. When she was gone, Sousuke tucked two fingers around the edge of the menu and pulled it down, staring at Makoto for a long while, the other staring back at him in confusion. 

“We can study here,” Sousuke finally said as he pulled back and reached to his side for his bag. Makoto watched him quietly unpack, set out his laptop and notes and begin to quietly work. Makoto tucked his menu away and did the same, silence settling over them easily; it was comfortable, mostly. Makoto kept glancing up at Sousuke, at his slightly knit brown and tight shoulders even as he concentrated on their assignment. They were getting close to finishing, and it was good because they only had a few days left. 

A few hours passed and finally Sousuke shut his computer and looked over at Makoto, smiled. “Are you happy with it?” he asked him, smiling softly. 

Makoto glanced everything over and then nodded, shutting his own laptop. “We should figure out how we’re going to present everything.”

Sousuke tilted his head and grinned at Makoto. “Want me to do all the talking?”

Makoto frowned, knowing the other was making fun of him, but also genuinely asking. “No, I think if you’re with me, I can...” He let his words trail off into silence, staring down at his hands. He couldn’t believe he’d just said that, but it was truly how he felt. He’d stopped caring so much; he still cared, and it was hard when he was alone, but Sousuke always helped him refocus on other things, important things, and he forgot about everyone else and their opinions. He didn’t say that aloud, though he wondered if Sousuke already knew. 

“Hey, Makoto,” Sousuke said suddenly, green eyes flying up to him. Sousuke frowned but finally just shook his head. “Never mind.”

Makoto frowned too, but didn’t press the issue. Whatever their relationship was now, Makoto still didn’t know if he had the right to demand anything from the other. Sometimes Sousuke would get this look in his eyes and Makoto couldn’t reach him. 

“Do you mind if we just walk around for a little bit?” Sousuke surprised him by asking. 

“Don’t want to go home yet?” Makoto joked, but Sousuke’s expression made his smile falter. The other was watching him with that strange look in his eyes again. What was he afraid to say, when he’d always been very forward and open? 

“No,” he finally said, looking at Makoto, looking into his eyes, dead earnest, and Makoto just nodded, startled. 

“T-that’s fine.”

They gathered their things and dropped them off at the bike, locked away and safe before silently setting off. Shops passed them by as they walked in silence. Makoto wasn’t sure if Sousuke was even enjoying this, as he looked lost in thought, which left Makoto in turn feeling unsettled. Silence stretched over them but it seemed only he noticed. 

Finally, having enough, Makoto grabbed Sousuke’s arm and pulled him to a stop. “What’s going on with you today?”

Sousuke slowly dragged his eyes over Makoto’s face and down to his feet. His lips set in a thin line, and Makoto pulled away a little. There was a slight jerk of Sousuke’s hand, but in the end it stayed where it was, by his side. 

“Thinking about our presentation,” Sousuke finally said, so obviously a lie. Makoto, however, let it go. 

“It’ll be fine,” he whispered to Sousuke and himself. 

With a sigh, Sousuke turned back to where they’d come from and said, “Let’s head back.”

Makoto followed behind with thoughts raging around his head; he couldn’t get rid of the unsettling feeling in his stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOu the SCHEMER


	5. Chapter 5

Makoto stared into the mirror in his bathroom, feeling choked by the steam from his shower and feeling close to crying from the nerves. He raked his gel-covered palms through his hair and tried his best to style it, but his hands shook terribly. He settled for a baseball cap, some kind of safety blanket by now. He pulled on a long sleeve tee and a pair of his new jeans, shrugging on one of the nicer jackets Gou had gotten him. He felt like he was wearing someone else’s skin, but the only thing that kept him from falling apart was his need to not make Sousuke look terrible by his side. All he wanted was to crawl into baggy jeans and sweaters, but he couldn’t let Sousuke be seen with that, so he sucked it up. He wondered at what point he’d stopped lying to himself; he really was doing this all for the other man. 

His bag heavy with stuff and slung over his shoulder, he nervously headed out. He didn’t even look at the time as he walked woodenly across campus to the building that housed their humanities classroom. He didn’t hear or register anything, nearly to the classroom door when a hand grabbed him from behind and roughly stopped and turned him. 

Sousuke stood before him looking like a vision of heaven itself, hair slicked back and wearing a pale button up that showed off his gorgeous body well. His jeans fit him nicely too, and even in his own nice clothes, Makoto felt like he’d let the other down. He stared blearily up at Sousuke, who was frowning deeply. 

Makoto felt disappointment in himself and regret twisting his stomach, and he tried to push past Sousuke, thinking frantically that he still had time, he could go change, but Sousuke clicked his tongue harshly and manhandled Makoto into the nearest restroom. He crowded Makoto against the sinks and stood over him. Makoto swallowed harshly. 

“Why do you look like you’re going to fall over if anyone even looks at you. Why are you nervous?”

Makoto blinked up at Sousuke, shocked out of his own nerves by the questions. Why wouldn’t he be nervous? He had to do a presentation, with Sousuke, in front of their entire class. He wanted to laugh but it got stuck in his throat. 

Hands whipped off his hat and Sousuke grumbled, “You’re not allowed to wear this thing.” 

“My hair-“ choked Makoto, but hands were already working into his locks and styling it. He shut his eyes, trying not to hyper-focus on Sousuke’s hands on him. He swallowed dryly. 

He violently jerked when he felt a hand slide down his cheek, gentle fingers, but by the time he opened his eyes, it was gone, and Sousuke had moved away from him and was washing his hands. When he stood again, drying his hands, he said, “Don’t be nervous, Makoto.”

And that was all there was to it, it seemed. They stood silently in the bathroom, Makoto staring at the floor as Sousuke stared unseeing at his reflection, at Makoto’s back.

Slowly Makoto pulled himself together, drawing his strength from the man beside him. When he felt confident enough to, he lifted his chin and tried for a smile. “I’ll be okay.” He could do anything with Sousuke by his side, supporting him. It made him want to cry how much he’d come to love and trust this man. It wasn’t even anything purely physical anymore, though Makoto knew it would always be a big component of his attraction. But, no, it had become something sweeter, something stronger; their friendship, Sousuke’s sweetness and consideration, the way he could make Makoto feel like a million bucks even when he knew logically he was worth barely anything at all. It was no wonder people gravitated to the other; he was like a well of self-confidence. Makoto hoped he could contribute something to Sousuke in return. 

Makoto barely noticed the eyes on him as he stood up front with Sousuke, their class seeming all together deathly silent and buzzing with excitement. Makoto glanced at Sousuke and thought again how wild it was that one man could make people so happy, could be so well-liked everywhere he was. He didn’t even notice Sousuke’s eyes on him when it was his turn to speak, when he was pointing out things on the chalkboard behind them, when he was scrambling nervously through his notes. 

Somehow they finished to raucous applause, and Makoto kept his eyes on Sousuke the whole time, watched as he seemed to think nothing of the praise at all. Makoto pressed his lips together, moved silently behind Sousuke as they went back to their seats. They listened silently through the next few presentations, Makoto not processing anything past the man sitting frozen by his side. What was Sousuke thinking as his eyes scanned the room over and over. 

Class ended without Makoto even realizing and he bent to pack up his bag. Feet stomped up to him and past him, but slowly a small gathering of shoes circled around him. Slowly, he lifted his head up to find half a dozen girls blinking innocently and smiling down at him. 

“Wha-“ he choked out, but the girl up front was already talking. 

“We’ve never noticed you in class before! What’s your name? Are you free after this?”

Makoto slowly sat up a little straighter, six pairs of eyes following his every move, and he felt his stomach furl up in wild anxiety. “What-?” he tried again. Behind him someone shifted, but Makoto was too shocked by what was happening before him to even notice. “I’ve been in this class...”

Innocent eyes blinked at him wide, and he didn’t know what to say to appease the girls, who smiled at him, waiting. “I don’t understand-“ he choked out, feeling his nerves begin to overwhelm him, nausea rolling in his stomach as his vision blurred. Everything shifted, and Makoto had no control. 

“You’re so handsome, come hang out with us~!” clambered the girls. “How could we have not known someone like you was in our class? Tell us your name!” They were slowly closing in on him and he was suffocating. 

Blindly, he reached out a hand and pushed away at the first girl, no strength in his arms but it was enough to make them split. He heard them cry out in disappointment as he practically ran from the class. A voice spoke up behind him and he half-turned just outside the door. 

Sousuke stood tall in the gaggle of girls, smiling down at them. He was placating them, the girls now ravenous towards him, but he accepted it easily and gracefully. Something big and angry swelled up inside Makoto, and he turned harshly away. He was just trying to collect himself for the walk back to his room when a hand gripped deathly right at his elbow and dragged him out. Sousuke’s whole face was set in darkness, everyone steering clear of him. He looked ready to murder someone. Even Makoto felt fear claw icy cold up his spine. Sousuke never let go of the bruising hold on his elbow until they were at Makoto’s building, until Sousuke suddenly stopped and his whole face transformed the moment he looked at Makoto. Regret pulled at his lips and filled his eyes and he seemed to suddenly remember that Makoto was there, that he’d dragged him across campus without a word. 

But Makoto could breathe easier; despite Sousuke’s terribly foul mood, he’d calmed down in the man’s presence. Those girls had nearly given him a panic attack. 

“Thank yo-“ he began gratefully, but a dark look flashed through Sousuke’s eyes and cut off his words. He clamped his mouth shut, scrambling for the hat that Sousuke had stuffed in his bag earlier, pulling it like a safety blanket over his head and hiding his face beneath the brim, head ducked down. “I’m sorry,” he whispered in fierce confusion, eyes brimming with sudden tears. Damn it-!

Sousuke cursed beneath his breath, whispering to himself. “-not what I wanted-“

Makoto’s mind raced with all the ways he’d messed up their presentation, real or imagined. He connected Sousuke’s silence and his terrible mood with his own poor performance. Did Sousuke think he’d ruined it all? He felt like a faker in his new clothes, pulling at them as anxiety rose. 

A hand cupped roughly over his cheek and Sousuke tugged his face up, and he was close, so close, but Makoto’s vision was crossing and blurring and he couldn’t breathe properly, glasses sliding down his nose. Sousuke took one look at his face and his whole body transformed. 

“Makoto!”

He reached for Makoto’s bag and scrambled around for something, tugging at Makoto’s hand. When the other’s legs refused to move, strong arms hefted him up and he sank against a strong chest. Sousuke carried him up the stairs and didn’t let him go until they were inside his dorm room, the space now suffocatingly small. Sousuke set Makoto down and seemed to crumple to his knees before the other, head down and shoulders shaking. It was all Makoto could see, as he reached out and pressed at Sousuke’s shoulder, pushed it weakly as fear rushed through him. How had he ruined everything so quickly? 

Hands cupped suddenly around his face, warm, comforting, as Sousuke pulled his head up and surged forward. He was close enough to feel his breath on Makoto’s cheek when he seemed to freeze again. 

“Makoto, god, I’m so sorry-“ he whispered, sounding like the whole world was falling apart around him, and if he could just get Makoto to forgive him-

“What did you do wrong?” Makoto asked rhetorically, words sounding bitter as his own disappointment rushed like a waterfall in his ears. His eyes were leaking, and his brain couldn’t even register how close Sousuke was, lips parted as he stared at Makoto like he’d been about to... Makoto reached forward and tugged at Sousuke, wanted him closer, wanted him to...

But Sousuke slowly resisted and pulled back, warm hands sliding disappointingly from Makoto’s wet cheeks. 

“Makoto, you did wonderfully,” Sousuke said, wanting to reassure, trying to make Makoto believe as much as he did. His voice turned a little bitter and rueful when he added, “You did so wonderfully that all those girls-“

Makoto couldn’t even think about the girls, though it had triggered part of this panic attack. He could only see Sousuke before him, disappointed in him. He clung to Sousuke’s shirt, fisted at it. 

“I messed up, I know. I’m so sorry! If you’d had any other partner-“

Hands were on his face again so fast, Sousuke coming so close once more that Makoto forgot what he was saying. “Makoto, damn it, you were amazing. Listen to what I’m telling you. You did it perfectly, you looked amazing. You’ll be the talk of the whole class.”

Makoto’s lips twisted sharply down into a frown, though Sousuke mistook it, rubbing his thumbs over Makoto’s smooth cheeks. 

“Makoto, you were amazing. I was blown away by you, seriously. You were... shining up there. I- no one could take their eyes off you.”

He didn’t care about that. He cared only what Sousuke thought, but he didn’t know how to word that. He fisted and tugged again at Sousuke’s shirt. 

“Sousuke, I’m so sorry if I disappointed you.” Tears rushed down and suddenly Makoto’s whole life was laid out before him, every interaction with Sousuke and every mistake he’d made in front of the other. “Not just for today, but since we met. I know-! I know I’m not anything special, or even that fun to be around, and yet you- yet you got stuck with me and made the best of it and I- just a buffoon-“ He was crying now, sobbing so he could barely get full sentences out. He heard Sousuke curse again as his hands flexed almost possessively on Makoto’s face. 

“Makoto!” Sousuke yelled finally in sheer frustration, anger at the other, maybe. Makoto tried to blink away his tears, and his glasses were a mess so he pulled them off without thinking and scrubbed at his face. Sousuke just drank him all in, happiness lighting up his eyes, fond memories filtering through, but Makoto didn’t see any of it. “Makoto, you’ve never, ever disappointed me. You’ve always, always made me so proud to have met you, made me wish I’d known you sooner, surprised me at every turn. Please, please believe me when I say that- you’re the best person I’ve ever met in my whole life and I’m- proud-“

At the sound of Sousuke choking up, Makoto’s eyes flew up, wide and big. Sousuke was so close, was so warm and pretty much perfect. 

“I’ve been so angry with all the attention you’ve been getting. Ever since you cut your hair and changed your clothes, have you not noticed all the girls falling over themselves to flirt with you? Makoto, people are coming out of the woodwork to talk to you, and I hate it!”

Anger flared up in Makoto, fear. He pulled at his own clothes now. “I never wanted that-!” he begged Sousuke to know. 

“Haven’t you noticed all the looks and the random people- You’re gonna be so damn popular-“

“I don’t want that!” yelled Makoto in frustration. “I only ever wanted you to notice me, for you to see me and like me! I only cared about it because you-“

He shut his lips tight and began to shake his head violently, trying to remember what was happening, why was he saying these things? 

“I never cared about anyone else, Sousuke, I-“ He felt like Sousuke was still so disappointed in him and it weighed on him like the world. 

A warm forehead pressed to his and Sousuke murmured, “I never wanted to share you...”

Makoto’s ears were still ringing and he didn’t hear it, or register it, but he did see how Sousuke’s features went soft, how his eyes slipped down for a second to Makoto’s lips, how he tilted his head just a little more. 

But in the end he was pulling away and Makoto felt a great, big emptiness form inside him as Sousuke slowly sat up straight. His hands fell to Makoto’s knees, facing up. 

“Hey, Makoto,” he whispered, and when green eyes looked at him, Sousuke smiled the most beautiful smile. “You’re wonderful. Don’t change a thing. Whatever you do, whatever you wear, I’ll always, always... be here. I’ll always be your friend.”

Makoto’s hands clenched and shook as he gripped at his shirt, as he stared at Sousuke, who had never seemed so vulnerable or fragile until now. 

“Don’t talk to any of those girls, please, stay by my side.”

“I don’t care about them...” Makoto choked out, confused. 

Sousuke beamed up at him. He reached up and fixed Makoto’s shirt, pulled off his cap and fixed his hair again, though this time his touch didn’t linger anywhere. 

“You look great, Makoto. I always thought that you were...” His voice trailed off again, and he smiled wide once more at Makoto. 

There was pain there, something he was hiding, something unsaid. Makoto reached forward, reached for his cheek or his shoulder, but Sousuke felt out of reach as his hands slipped away, unable to find the courage to hold on. 

“I need to go cool my head,” Sousuke said as he stood suddenly. He paused for just a moment, rubbed a thumb over Makoto’s temple, into his hair, and then he was gone. Makoto was left with a pit in his stomach. 

The room around him was blurry, and his head jerked down like he’d just remembered; clenched in his fist sat his glasses. True fear gripped him as he looked up, stared at the blurry image of his reflection in the mirror. 

Sousuke was gone, and Makoto was left with an unmanageable fear that this had been it, now it was over. He sunk to his bed and sobbed. When Gou called him, he couldn’t even speak. When she got to his room, he barely felt her touch. 

What had been the point of it all if Sousuke wasn’t here, if Sousuke didn’t... love him.

x

The silence felt almost comforting. Sousuke didn’t message him or call him, and Makoto thought it was all for the best. Sunday passed quietly, no reason to meet up anymore. Makoto wouldn’t give himself or Gou the satisfaction of saying he missed him. 

Seijuro was quietly playing video games as Gou lay on the bed behind him, playing mindlessly with Makoto’s hair. He’d stopped styling it, and now she was combing it this way and that, chiding him for having given up on his looks. 

Gou’s phone chirped behind her, and she lazily turned on the bed, one hand still in Makoto’s hair as she read her message. “Ooh, baby, your brother is hosting a small get-together.” Gou’s hand in Makoto’s hair paused and Makoto’s instincts to flee kicked in. She slowly turned and said, “Mako~, come with us~”

“No,” he said, simple, to the point, but she didn’t let it go. She pushed her face into his neck and bit him. “Ow!”

“You’ve been a depressing mess all week, so you need to come.”

“Deja vu,” he muttered miserably. “How big is a ‘small’ gathering.”

“It’ll just be a few people! Come on~”

Makoto was silent for a while, and Gou typed something out on her phone.

“Sousuke’s not been invited,” she said after her phone chirped in response. Makoto’s gut twisted; he hated that that information alone convinced him to agree. He hated that he felt sad and happy by the news at the same time. 

“Fine,” he grumbled, and she squealed. 

He went back to his apartment to change, ditching his glasses and messy hair for something Gou would be proud of, pulling on a navy tee and jean jacket over his skinny jeans. He pulled on a pair of brown boots and walked out the door with only his room key in his pocket and his ID. Gou yelped in excitement when they met up outside his dorm room, grabbing hold of Makoto’s right arm and Seijuro’s left, skipping happily. 

The dorms that Seijuro’s brother lived in were share rooms, so they were bigger than Makoto’s and Gou’s, a nice common area downstairs where the party was being held. Gou and Seijuro walked Makoto to the food table and then saw themselves to go scout out Momo, Seijuro’s younger brother. Makoto stabbed at a cherry tomato with a toothpick and popped it in his mouth, chewing and wondering if he should have come after all. He wasn’t really in the mood for a party, but he’d been hoping it would distract him. 

A solid, warm body collided with Makoto’s back and he yelped in shock as a smooth voice sang into his ear, “Hey, you!”

Arms wrapped around him and hands whirled him around, Makoto’s eyes going wide when he saw Kisumi standing before him, grinning wide. “Oh my gosh, you look great! I’ve missed you!”

Arms hugged him tightly once more and he found himself easily returning the hug. Kisumi was warm and vibrating with happiness, and Makoto hoped it would rub off. He smiled at the other male, who seemed thrilled to see him. 

“Where have you been?! We need to exchange numbers!” Kisumi whipped his phone out and pressed buttons in rapid succession, before holding the device out for Makoto. A new contacts sheet was pulled up, and without a second thought, Makoto input his info. He didn’t even expect anything to come of it, simply party pleasantries being exchanged. Still Kisumi dragged him all around the party for the rest of the night and introduced him to everyone he knew, and Makoto went home feeling a bit happier for having gone. 

He woke up the next morning to a text from Kisumi and a pounding headache. He went back to sleep; he’d respond later. 

x

There was one more class left of his humanities course before the end of the semester. Makoto pulled on his glasses and pulled a cap over his messy hair, hiding his dark bags under the shadow of his hood. At least he was wearing Gou’s jeans. 

He had barely been sleeping, slipping right back into his depression over Sousuke the day after the party. He didn’t want to see Sousuke, and he was hoping the other just wouldn’t show up to class. Well, it was more accurate to say that he wanted to see him; he just didn’t want Sousuke to see him. He trudged across campus and to the building the class was held in, finding a front row seat in the corner and huddling over his desk. Slowly the seats filled as tired students came in, but Makoto kept his head down, writing to distract himself. 

Near the end of the class, light washed slowly over him as his hood was pulled back, and he jerked his head to the side to see the smiling face of the last and best person he wanted to see today. Sousuke grinned at him like nothing had even happened between them. He pushed at the brim of Makoto’s cap the moment their teacher dismissed them, smiling. If he noticed Makoto’s bags under his eyes and tired expression, he didn’t show it. 

“Wanna grab some lunch?” he said like they were still just the same two guys. Makoto turned away, but Sousuke didn’t take his silence as a no. He waited for Makoto to pack his things and then just herded him out the door, knowing all too well that Makoto would follow him. 

“Makoto, darling!” yelled a voice across the crowded hallway, and Makoto’s feet paused. Sousuke stopped too after another step, turning slowly to look at Makoto like he was asking, “Was that someone calling for you?”

A body slammed against Makoto’s back, and for a split second, Sousuke’s face betrayed his bitterness as Kisumi sang in Makoto’s ear, “Darling, I missed you~”

Makoto turned and tried his best to ignore Sousuke burning holes into the back of his head, greeting Kisumi as the other pulled him into a hug. Kisumi was not even aware of Sousuke’s presence as he blabbered on like he and Makoto had been best friends for ages. Makoto was already used to it; even over text, Kisumi was this excited about life. He soon forgot about Sousuke too. 

Kisumi flew off with compliments and kisses for Makoto, and Makoto stood in the middle of the empty hallway smiling like a fool as he listened to Kisumi run off. It wasn’t until he turned and discovered Sousuke still standing there that he remembered. Sousuke’s expression was unreadable, but it made Makoto tuck his smile away, the two slowly frowning at each other. 

“Who’s that?” Sousuke asked suddenly, his voice blunt and shockingly unlike himself. Makoto jerked back a little in surprise at the harsh tone. 

“He’s... just a friend.” Makoto didn’t want to remind Sousuke that he’d met Kisumi at the Halloween party. The air around them grew awkward. Makoto grabbed at his book bag straps, turned his head down, and said to the floor, “I have to go.”

He walked past Sousuke, but he should have known better when he felt familiar hands grabbed around his bicep. 

“I wanted to get lunch with you,” said Sousuke, his voice stiff, allowing no refusals, and Makoto felt a real chill shoot across his spine. He froze, standing stiffly as Sousuke moved past him, leaving Makoto with only the option to follow silently after. 

Makoto was a little surprised when they ended up on the front steps of the restaurant the two had gone to after their first study session, was surprised when Sousuke just walked them inside and chose a table in the back, hidden away. Makoto pulled off his bag without looking and sat down stiffly. He glanced up, but Sousuke was staring at something on the floor next to the booth. When he finally turned his face up, he was smiling again. 

“I thought it’d be a nice memory if we ended our class together with the place where we went to after our first study sesh.” He grinned like it wasn’t weird, like he hadn’t been weird about Kisumi or the last time they’d seen each other, or the fact that he’d been radio silent since then. If Makoto was braver, he’d ask what was going on, but instead he just silently stared down at his hands folded in his lap. 

“Man, can you believe it’s over? Our project, the class. This semester, too. The time just flew by.”

Makoto couldn’t bring himself to even respond to Sousuke’s small talk. His eyes burned and all he could do was focus on his lap, picking at his jeans and hoodie, wishing he didn’t still feel so strongly for the man sitting across from him, that he didn’t love him so much he still ached even now. 

When Sousuke paused for a second, his voice going a little quieter as he asked, “Have you been sleeping okay?”, Makoto’s hands jerked in surprise. He blinked in confusion at them, afraid to look up lest he start crying. What was Sousuke even thinking?

He didn’t respond, Sousuke’s silence stretching on as he patiently waited for Makoto to say something. Their food came, but neither made a move to touch it. Makoto gnawed at his bottom lip. When he couldn’t take it anymore, he slowly pulled his glasses off and set them aside. Sousuke’s face was blurry as he finally looked up, but he could see enough to know that Sousuke’s patient smile had turned down a little. Makoto’s eyes burned. 

“Sousuke, you don’t have to act nice to me, you know. Our project is over. You’re allowed to just let it be.” Makoto played with his glasses, moving them quietly over the table in a small space. It was easier to look at Sousuke when he couldn’t see well. “Whatever happened between us, please don’t feel like... you owe me something.”

“I never felt that way.” Sousuke’s voice sounded far away, and it made Makoto’s heart seize up even as he could see Sousuke’s shape still right in front of him. 

“Good,” whispered Makoto even as he choked up, even as tears began to drip out of his eyes. He blinked, vision blurring worse, but he kept his eyes on Sousuke, seeing only a blur of gorgeous black hair and wonderful aqua eyes. “That’s good.”

Silence settled between them, and Makoto quietly turned to his food, slipping his glasses back on as he dug into his wings, letting the heat from them drown out the nausea he felt. 

Sousuke still hadn’t moved, his food starting to get cold. Makoto quietly cleaned off his fingers when he was done and pressed a bill down to the table, enough to cover both of their meals and the tip. He stood quietly and gathered his bag, pausing only to say, “It was fun, Sousuke. I hope you have a good rest of your semester.”

He turned and walked out, clutching at his heart when he was out of sight. He fell against the side of a brick building and bit tight at his bottom lips to keep the sob that bubbled out silent. Tears streamed hot. This was it; it was over. He wondered if Sousuke was happy to be rid of him, to be able to stop pretending, if he was glad they didn’t have to discuss the elephant in the room that was the Halloween party. 

It only tore Makoto up inside to leave Sousuke behind. 

“I never wanted to be friends because I thought I owed you something.”

Makoto startled at the voice behind him. He pulled himself off the wall, but he couldn’t turn around. The street was quiet around them, only a person passing by once in a while, not paying him or Sousuke any attention. 

“I thought I could just start us off from a better place than a one-night, drunken hook-up.”

Makoto’s hands clutched tighter into his hoodie and he twisted anxiously at the fabric. He wondered how long Sousuke had really known who he was. Had he been a fool to think the man wouldn’t recognize him right away?

“Makoto,” whispered Sousuke. “Can we... talk? Somewhere else?”

Makoto pulled himself together enough to take one step, and then another. He turned his head slightly and gave a short nod behind him, and then he set off for his dorm room at a shaky pace. It probably wasn’t really the best idea to go there, but Makoto’s brain had signed off for the moment. 

If Sousuke was behind him, he barely made a sound; it wasn’t until they got to his door and Makoto could feel the warmth of him behind his body that he realized Sousuke had actually followed him. He let the two of them in, set him glasses away, thinking he couldn’t handle seeing Sousuke’s face too well at this point, putting his bag down and sitting back on his bed. He grabbed a pillow and pulled his socked feet up, curling up against the wall behind his bed. Sousuke moved only after a moment, sitting down too on the edge of the small mattress, quiet. Makoto watched him over his pillow as he looked slowly over Makoto’s room, slowly taking it all in. 

“I truly didn’t recognize you,” Sousuke started off finally, voice soft, reminiscent, “and I feel stupid for it now. It wasn’t until I brought you back after our jog that one day and I saw the cat ears on your desk.”

Makoto’s eyes darted over, and even though it was too blurry to really see anything, his eyes honed in on the offending item, and he frowned into his pillow. He should have thrown them away, but he hadn’t even thought of them since Halloween. He wished he could erase those embarrassing memories from Sousuke’s mind.

“I- that night was so wonderful for me, but I didn’t- I couldn’t look for you. I knew nothing about you. I was so stupid to not even recognize you right in front of my eyes. But maybe it was better, because I got to know you, Makoto, not as a one-night stand but as my project partner, my friend.”

Makoto wondered if it was easy for Sousuke, to lie, or pretend anything they’d had together had meant shit. It was certainly tempting, though, to believe Sousuke’s sweet lies. 

“Did you even look for me?” he scoffed, and even though he’d thought it mean, he hadn’t meant it to sound so mean. Sousuke didn’t seem to respond to it, though, sitting still, facing forward, his face out of sight. 

“Yeah,” he finally said after a long, long while. He sounded so sincere, and it brought forth a memory for Makoto of Gou mentioning something about... 

He frowned to himself, whispered, “Sorry.” Then, “Why?”

Sousuke turned to look over his shoulder, his blurry lips lifting up as his eyes settled on Makoto. “I couldn’t get you out of my head.”

Makoto groaned, but Sousuke just kept smiling. “Terrible, isn’t it?” He laughed. Makoto nodded in agreement. 

“And then around the same time, I got paired with this guy from my humanities class,” he teased with a light grin backwards, though he quickly turned back, voice serious again. “At first, I was a little sad cause you were some nerd I didn’t know, and then I really took a good look at you and I got to know you, and I forgot about the guy I’d slept with on Halloween. For the first time in a few weeks, he wasn’t on my mind anymore.

“You were.”

A laugh. “Isn’t it ironic? I couldn’t believe it when I saw those cat ears, when I put two and two together like I was stupid. And it all made so much sense to me.”

Silence. Makoto didn’t know what to say. “What?” He finally choked out. 

Sousuke shifted on the bed, moved closer. He took one of Makoto’s hands and pulled him out of his protective position. When Makoto’s face was close enough to see Sousuke’s clearer, to see his honest aqua eyes and soft smile, Sousuke whispered, “It made so much sense to me why I couldn’t get either of you out of my head.”

“You should forget about who I was on Halloween. That’s not me,” Makoto said stiffly, heart racing, blood pounding in his head. His own voice sounded hollow through the rushing in his ears. 

Sousuke smiled, laughed a little. “I thought so too, for a while, but slowly I realized that was an absolute lie.”

Makoto choked on a harsh denial, bubbling up instantly, but Sousuke wasn’t done with him, silencing him the moment he saw Makoto’s lips part.

“Listen to me, Makoto. The fact is that you are more than just one kind of person. You’re wonderful; you’re smart, you’re nerdy, you can be a little too high-strung, but you’re also that Makoto that let loose and had fun and was wonderfully sexy.”

Makoto scoffed, but Sousuke’s smile never broke, and he never pulled back.

“Actually, right now I can’t help but think that you’re wonderfully sexy all the time.”

Makoto took a quick inhale and then released slowly to make sure those words didn’t shake him to his core. He tried for sanity when it seemed Sousuke was set on losing his marbles. “Sousuke, please don’t be so unhinged. I’m not special, and you’ll realize that one day and regret you ever... 

“Regret you ever told me that.” He wanted his words to be convincing, but the tears streaming down his face made that impossible. Sousuke just smiled sweetly at him. He hadn’t meant to be so weak, to be so easy to read, to let those _absurd lies_ get to him and make him feel so utterly adored. He fisted his hands in his lap, head dropping down, angry that this was all it took from Sousuke. 

“Makoto,” he said softly. “While it’s true that our first encounter rocked my whole world, it wasn’t until I got to know you that I really understood. If you think I’m just fixated on an idea I have of you, please know that’s very wrong. The man I see before me now is the Makoto I know, the Makoto I’m fixated on.

“This crying, mess of a man is the one I love.”

Makoto opened his mouth to laugh off those words, but a sob escaped instead as they hit his heart and settled deep and fast inside him. He had no defenses left to throw up, nothing he could do to save himself from that attack. Sousuke, the damn fool and culprit, smiled at the sound he made; he reached out a hand and brushed aside tears, so gentle, so kind. Next he reached over and grabbed Makoto’s glasses, placed them carefully on his nose. Makoto could see him clearly now, the honesty, the sincerity. He was being truthful, in every way he could; it was too much to take. Makoto’s eyes blurred with a rush of tears and he wished his heart wouldn’t leap so at the sight of Sousuke’s earnestness. 

“Ahh,” Sousuke whispered breathlessly as he took in Makoto like this, crying, glasses on, hair messy, and he smiled like this was the most beautiful sight he’d ever seen. “Your eyes are gorgeous when you cry; they sparkle.”

Warm hands cupped his face as Sousuke breathed out, “Makoto, you’re beautiful.”

He couldn’t process it. He wanted to push Sousuke’s hands, his warmth, his smile away. He wanted to crawl in a hole and forget what this pure happiness felt like as it tugged at his heart. He wanted to forget the wonderfulness that was Sousuke. He was afraid, deathly afraid. He was so scared that he was already in too deep to save himself, that he was in too deep to pull away now. He sobbed at his hopelessness; he was in love, absolutely, one hundred percent. There was no saving him. 

“I won’t rush you for an answer. I’ll try to be a good friend, whatever you decide and while you’re thinking about it. I’ll always be here for you no matter what...”

Makoto’s negative thoughts kicked in; even Sousuke’s eyes and smile couldn’t keep them at bay this long. He pulled away from Sousuke and slowly shook his head. 

Sousuke pulled back too, a little stiffly, frustration flashing for a moment before it melted again into vulnerability. He looked so lonely and sad; Makoto couldn’t look at him. 

“You should think about it, too,” he whispered. Sousuke, whether he wanted to or not, didn’t protest. He simply stood up quietly, hands folding awkwardly to his front when he realized there was nothing for him to hold anymore. He stood like that for a while, shoulders drooped down, and Makoto couldn’t bear to look at him so confused and defeated. Makoto wished with all of his heart that the person Sousuke loved wasn’t someone as broken and messy as him. 

“Makoto,” he called in a mere whisper. “Please text me when you have your answer, or if you simply want to just pretend this never happened, we can just... do friend things.” His voice choked on the last few words, like he hated to even say them, like he didn’t really want it to be an option. Makoto stared at his own hands; was Sousuke really hoping that he would say yes? He hadn’t actually entertained that thought until just then. His eyes went wider and he never even heard Sousuke leave as his mind rushed louder and louder with thoughts. 

Impossible. Was this reality? Makoto couldn’t discern between it and a dream anymore. He stared at his wall, eyes dead as his mind raced. 

What was he meant to even believe?


	6. Chapter 6

Gou was going to scold him, he could feel it. She was sitting with Seijuro in the back of their favorite noodle shop, fiercely eyeing her bowl of ramen. Makoto approached carefully and slid into the bench seat opposite her. Something bumped against his leg and he looked down, eyes widening. 

“I’m going to make this quick,” she said over her steaming bowl of broth. “He confessed to you, didn’t he? And you don’t know what to say or believe so you’re having some kind of internal battle, or whatever.”

“Gou,” whispered Seijuro as he tossed Makoto an apologetic look. She clicked her tongue and waved him off, staring at Makoto.

There was no use denying it, and Makoto was tired anyways. Gou could tell him a lot of things, but she couldn’t make them happen. He nodded his head and waited for her to berate and rant at him, to tell him he needed to say yes to Sousuke, what was he doing? “Yeah.”

She sighed slowly, sinking into the bench, and said, “Sousuke is a good man for patiently letting you come up with your answer in your own time. I hope you know how lucky you are.”

He hadn’t expected that; he blinked at Gou, slowly nodded. If he thought about it too much, it made him want to cry. It proved his point that Sousuke was way too good for him, and yet at every turn he was absolutely what Makoto needed. He bit at his lip. 

“So take your time and properly think about it, for him, and for yourself. This is the one time you should actually take your time.”

He nodded again, surprised she was being so kind about it. 

She took a deep breath and then added violently, “But for the love of him, don’t make a stupid decision.”

He actually smiled; there it was. He grinned fondly at her annoyed look, at her, “You will eventually do as I say, and the sooner the better” look.

“He’s here, by the way,” she said as an afterthought as she returned to her ramen, nodding to the bag beside Makoto. He glanced down again; well, he had guessed as much. He reached out a little and touched a finger to the messenger bag, praying for strength. The bench dipped beside him and suddenly he was there before Makoto could even really gather himself, though that might have taken ages anyways. Still-

“Hey, Makoto,” came that voice he loved so much, that should be illegal, and he slowly turned his head. Sousuke had an arm over the top edge of the bench, but he was giving Makoto space even as he looked like he was ready to hug him at any moment, waiting like a feline on the prowl. His smile was pure and genuine, and Makoto found his heart settling quietly into a peaceful thrum, surprising, but much better than the anxious beating he’d experienced since he’d last seen Sousuke. He waited with bated breath for a moment for his body to break all hell loose, but there was something that had always been inexplicably soothing about being with Sousuke. So he smiled softly, crookedly, in return. 

“Hey,” he whispered, the two sharing the smallest of moments before Gou cleared her throat, now smiling at the two, a knowing look in her eyes. Sousuke’s lips quirked a little at it, Makoto rolling his eyes to the ceiling in a desperate prayer. 

“I ordered you your usual, Makoto, and Sousuke got here late, so your bowls should be coming out around the same time.”

“Thanks, Gou,” Makoto said, and she gave him a look that was so haughty he almost laughed. Seijuro groaned quietly beside them. 

Makoto waited for the awkward silence, waited to spend the time waiting for their food with Sousuke and Gou drilling holes into him, but Sousuke turned to Seijuro and the two started up a conversation about sports like Sousuke wasn’t... worried. It made something in Makoto’s chest unwind, something he hadn’t realized had been wound so incredibly tight as he’d gotten used to the feeling; it made his breath come easier. It wasn’t the kind of pressure that Gou put on him, knowing she was right and forcing him into things. It was just an easy acceptance, a peace from Sousuke, and while Makoto knew he’d say yes to this man in a heartbeat, he still tucked the word away, because reality was harsh. He couldn’t just jump into this, because he knew how he was; he knew perfectly well from all past experiences that he’d get anxious and annoying and worry over everything. It had happened with every other relationship, his heart taking over at first and then his worries over everything, over making the right choice, crept in. He wouldn’t, couldn’t put someone as amazing as Sousuke through that, waste his time... If he allowed himself to, he wanted to at the very least do this right, especially since Sousuke was giving him the room to do so. Sousuke deserved him at the best he could be, though he wondered if even then _he’d_ deserve Sousuke. He wanted to make sure in the very bottom of his being that he was the one for Sousuke, so that when the time came, if he chose to go with his heart and say yes, he could do so with the confidence he had always wanted to have. 

Confidence was what he needed. Sousuke, who was amazing, wonderful, more than he deserved, in the very least deserved a confident Makoto, not the mess of nerves he was most days. He would deal with his own insecurities, to make sure he was worthy. He would fix himself so Sousuke could have the best version of him. He’d do it for the other, because he loved him, because Sousuke made him want to change. But he’d also do it for himself, because he hated feeling this way, and he was tired. Most days, he was just tired now. 

Seijuro was on an excited rant about next year’s football team, and Sousuke took a moment to look over at Makoto and smile. The way his eyes melted when he looked at the brunet made him forget for a moment that he wasn’t already perfect. It was a nice feeling, even as it slipped away too soon.

It was an odd feeling. It didn’t align with Makoto’s own thoughts, but in the moment it never mattered, and afterwards it was easy to convince himself otherwise. 

Makoto couldn’t grasp his own perfection, but Sousuke acted like he had all the time in the world to spend on him, to make him believe. The dark haired male tucked a knowing smile into his hand, aqua eyes drifting to Gou for a moment, who watched every move the two made, smirking at Sousuke now like she could read his mind. He thought it was a miracle that Makoto was still so insecure with someone like Gou around, but it excited him, made him proud to know that he would get to be the one in the end to make Makoto know his own worth. 

x

Their runs resumed like they’d never stopped. Sousuke would meet Makoto outside his dorm or at the small greenway they’d jogged the first time, always looking up with a big smile blooming, always making Makoto feel off-kilter for a second in the face of true happiness. Sousuke never tried to pull anything, but he was simply there, ever-aware of Makoto’s needs, prepared to handle them. In the moment, Makoto always felt loved and perfect, all the while knowing he would go home and question every wonderful thing Sousuke made him think about himself. 

It wasn’t like it was easy. Most days Makoto was still overrun with fears and anxieties too great to face. But it also wasn’t as hard as Makoto had always thought it would be. Makoto barely noticed, for instance, when he looked in the mirror one day, contacts in like he’d been doing now that he didn’t need to pretend, and he didn’t frown at the reflection staring back at him. He quietly pulled on his sneakers and he didn’t even notice that there was a lightness to his step without some of his anxieties weighing him down. It was so gradual and simple that he didn’t notice at all, that he didn’t doubt every time Sousuke complimented him, that he didn’t go home and over-analyze everything any more. Now when Sousuke smiled at him in the morning, he smiled back easier. He began to crack jokes, loving the way Sousuke’s eyes would light up, how he would laugh genuinely, missing how he’d tuck a proud smile into his shoulder or hand. 

“Are you staying here for winter vacation?” Sousuke asked one day, slowing down as they neared the end of their run. Makoto’s feet stiffened and he slowed as well, coming to a halt behind Sousuke. Since Halloween, his head had been filled with only school and Sousuke, and he hadn’t even thought about it. 

“Yeah. I’ve got two younger siblings, and my parents always-“ Makoto’s words fell away as he realized very suddenly that there would be a whole month that he wouldn’t get to see Sousuke. He’d become so used to their routine that it seemed hard to imagine not doing it even one day, let alone a whole month. “Yeah,” he whispered as suddenly he felt overwhelmed with sadness. He didn’t want to... he didn’t want to leave. For the first time in forever, staying at college seemed more appealing than going home any chance he had. He gnawed hard at his lip, his head rushing with thoughts. He didn’t notice Sousuke stepping up, calling his name softly, rubbing his thumb gently against the skin below Makoto’s bottom lip, slowly working it loose from Makoto’s teeth. The worry in his eyes, when Makoto looked up, made the tears that had been threatening finally spill. Sousuke softly clicked his tongue and wiped away every one of them as they fell. 

“I didn’t mean to make you sad. I’m sure your trip home with be great.” Sousuke paused for a moment, his smile pulling up into sadness. “I’ll still miss you, though.”

“And what about you?” Makoto blurted out. “Are you going-“

“I stay here,” Sousuke said, smiling again, though for the first time in a long time, he wouldn’t meet Makoto’s eyes. Makoto hated it, and so without thinking he tugged at Sousuke’s hand, gripped it tight. Despite the cold, they wore no gloves, but Sousuke’s hand was warm against his chilled one. 

_Don’t go_ , Makoto wanted to tell him. _Don’t suddenly disappear into a place where I can’t reach you._ He also wanted Sousuke to say those words to him. 

So without thinking about it, he said, “Then come home with me.”

Sousuke’s gorgeous eyes flicked to Makoto, going a little wide, trying to see if Makoto was joking. Green eyes stared back at him, anxious, worried, but earnest. 

“If you don’t have anyone else waiting to see you, then come spend the holidays with my family. They’ll love you, Sousuke.” No, that wasn’t quite right. He squeezed Sousuke’s hand; it was hard to say what he really wanted when he’d never taken the time to think properly about what he wanted without worrying about if it was what anyone else wanted. “Sousuke, I- I want to introduce you to my family.” No- Makoto burned red, stuttering. “I mean, because you’ve been such an amazing friend and you’re wonderful and I-“ Stop, Makoto. He bit at his lip again, Sousuke’s free hand flying up to pull his lip free once again. 

“Sousuke, if you want to, please,” Makoto said as his voice betrayed him, quaking, tears falling again. Even a few weeks ago, he could have never imagined himself asking these things so earnestly. He squeezed Sousuke’s hand. He realized now as he waited that he might fall apart if Sousuke declined his offer, if he said it was weird, or too early, or he’d changed his mind completely about Makoto- 

“Makoto,” called Sousuke, gentle as Makoto threatened to tremble apart, calling on his bravery like he always did. “Just tell me what you want.”

Wet, green eyes looked up at Sousuke, at Sousuke who was beautiful and honest and always so sweet. Sousuke who was so wonderful, who Makoto wanted to never leave alone, who Makoto loved with everything in him. He wished he wasn’t so messed up inside, he wished Sousuke could just be his, not as a crutch, but as a partner, as two people supporting the other equally. But Makoto was unbalanced, he was needy, and he had too many issues, and it frustrated him to no end. But he could tell Sousuke the truth, he knew. He’d done so before, and he’d even grown less regretful over it after. 

“I don’t want to be away from you,” Makoto whispered to the ground, feeling like it was shifting beneath him, but Sousuke’s hand in his kept him grounded. “I want everyone I love to meet you, to know-“ Makoto clutched at his heart with his free hand, leaning closer to Sousuke. “Please come home with me for the break, Sousuke.”

Sousuke was warm as he breathed out deeply, “I will, Makoto. Thank you.” Makoto looked up, Sousuke’s smile so close. “I’m happy,” and Makoto could see that he was in the way his eyes shone. He was so close. Makoto would barely have to stretch his neck if he wanted to kiss Sousuke. He waited for Sousuke to kiss him too, as eyes slipped over his face, aqua taking him in. They breathed quietly between each other, silence stretching on, but it was warm, and hopeful.

Sousuke reached up and wiped Makoto’s face, slowly pulling away. 

“How about we ride back on my bike?” he said with a sweet smile. Makoto wondered if he was hopefully imagining the sad lilt to his voice, or if that was his own disappointment coloring what he heard. “Is it very far, your hometown?”

Makoto, sadness settling but for now distracted, shook his head. He usually took the train, but he imagined the bike would actually be faster. Still- “I have a lot of stuff in my dorm room that won’t fit on your bike.” He’d have to move everything out as he’d probably be switching rooms when he came back again. 

“Keep it at my apartment. Just take what you need.” Sousuke smiled. 

Makoto looked down at the ground, thought about how happy and excited he was, thought about how a few months, or even weeks ago he would have never been so honest, how he had never invited anyone home. Sousuke was more wonderful than Makoto could quantify or express. He shuffled his feet; he had wanted Sousuke to kiss him, but Sousuke had brought him this far because he wasn’t the type of guy to just kiss him in that moment. It was bittersweet; if Sousuke wasn’t so patient, Makoto wouldn’t have changed at all. He had promised Makoto he would wait, and by god, he was. As frustrating as it was, it was why Makoto was growing. Even if he didn’t always recognize his own progress, he knew that Sousuke was helping him change. 

“Okay,” he finally whispered, his face breaking into a cheek-aching smile when he finally acknowledged that, yes, he wanted this. He was getting what he wanted because he’d simply said he wanted it. It was... so rewarding. He squeezed Sousuke’s hand again, not knowing how to say he was so thankful, except, just, “Thank you.”

Sousuke let him just hold his hand and grin at the ground, until they pulled apart and Sousuke nodded towards town. “Hungry?” he asked with a beautiful smile, and Makoto nodded. He suddenly couldn’t wait, and when Sousuke turned around, he grabbed at his arm and tugged him back.

“Hey, let’s leave tomorrow. Do you have any more classes?”

Sousuke shook his head and smiled. “Let’s head out tomorrow,” he said with his own excitement shining in his eyes. Makoto wanted to kiss him again, but he let the man go, grinning at the ground again. His bravery still had limits, but by golly, he was so proud and ecstatic in the moment regardless. 

x

Gou, who was leaving in a few days to go home with her brother for a few weeks, and then meeting up with Seijuro in his hometown for the rest of break, was thankfully still around to help him pack up his small dorm room, delegate what he needed to take home and what would go to Sousuke’s place. She was shockingly quiet about the news that Sousuke was coming home with him, though she was smiling and humming more than she had in a long time around him. Her happiness was infectious, as was his own, and they were soon wiping away tears from laughing so hard. She insisted he needed his contacts, but he shook his head; she packed them in his toiletries bag when he wasn’t looking with a happy, meddlesome smile. Together, they had all of his stuff sorted and packed in a few hours. To go home, he had a small duffel bag of clothes and toiletries, and to go to Sousuke’s were all of his books and notes and the few decorations he had that were his. His Halloween costume was stuffed in there, as well as most of his old clothes, which was a big accomplishment in and of itself, even if Makoto didn’t acknowledge it. But he knew, as he looked over his boxes and duffel bag, he knew how huge this was. When Sousuke knocked on his dorm room and filled the small space with his large self, Makoto knew how big this was. They packed Gou’s small compact car to the brim with his stuff, Sousuke leading the way to his place on his bike. Gou took Makoto’s hand quietly as she drove, and he accepted everything she wanted to say with the squeeze of her hand. He knew she was proud of him, even if he didn’t fully understand why, and he knew she was happy for him, as happy as he was for himself, or maybe more, because she understood better how much he’d changed for this. It was easier to see the changes in him, looking in from the outside. Makoto, who lived with it, didn’t know as well as Gou did, how different he was now, how proud he should be of himself. 

Makoto had never slept so well as he did that night in a bare room, on a single sheet and blanket. He was so happy, his heart felt bursting. He was over the moon. 

x

The morning came quietly, waking Makoto up peacefully. It was startling to slowly look around his room and see it empty, and it took him a moment to remember what was happening today. When he recalled, his heart sped up a little in his chest and his toes curled in nervous anticipation. He clutched at his pillow, burying his face in it for a moment, before sitting up to get ready. 

He took a short shower, brushed his teeth, dressed and combed his hair, and by the time he’d finished, a knock sounded on his dorm door. Sousuke nearly filled up the doorframe when Makoto opened the door for him, and the two took a moment to drink the other in. 

“Good morning,” said Sousuke warmly with a growing smile, Makoto nodding stiffly as his heart sped up once again. “You look wonderful,” the other said easily, and Makoto had to fight the urge to bite his lip and roll his eyes at the same time. A hand reached up, but it stopped short of his cheek and shifted up to rustle his hair instead. Makoto was... disappointed.

“Are you ready?” Sousuke asked before Makoto could really think to complain about it. A glance back told Makoto there was nothing else to keep him here, so he gathered his bag and nodded. He slipped the strap over his head and closed his door with a final sigh. It felt bittersweet, and he could recall all of the memories behind this door when he placed his hand against the wood. Sousuke waited silently. When Makoto turned to him, he smiled. 

“Ready?” he asked again, sweet as always. Makoto had thought at first that it was an act for him, but over time he’d come to realize that Sousuke was just genuinely an amazing person; it didn’t help his feelings the least bit to realize it, as it had only made him fall harder. Makoto gripped at his shirt and nodded. He prayed that his heart wouldn’t give him grief on the ride to his parents’ house; the last thing he needed was Sousuke feeling the way his heart was already pounding. 

Makoto stiffly climbed onto the motorcycle behind Sousuke, realizing instantly that suddenly it was different than the last time he’d ridden with the other. His arms were folded stiffly by his side, slowly reaching out to grab just the sides of Sousuke’s leather jacket. His peripheral was cut off by the helmet he wore, and his glasses were pressed into the sides of his head. He fussed with them, finally just pulling them off, but then he really didn’t know what do to with himself. Sousuke glanced back, watched silently as Makoto fused, the brunet unaware of the soft look in his eyes. He took Makoto’s hand, stole his glasses, big, green eyes darting up to look at the fuzzy face before him. Sousuke was smiling, he thought, but was it because he thought Makoto was being a dork? He frowned and blushed, a little embarrassed, but Sousuke quickly turned and stashed Makoto’s glasses in a pocket inside his coat, and he pulled on his own helmet. The one Makoto wore was a brand new one Sousuke had bought just for him, yesterday. Makoto pressed at it as his cheeks burned, forgetting for a moment that he couldn’t touch his face right now. The bike started up with a loud roar, everything between Makoto’s legs suddenly vibrating, and he thought now that he would have never guessed he’d love it this much, or that he’d find Sousuke on a bike such a delicious idea. He swallowed and shook his head. Hands reached back and grabbed at his forearms, and before his mind could drag to more dangerous places, he was pulled against Sousuke’s solid back, arms wrapped tight around Sousuke’s thick waist, and his nose pressed into leather and cologne. Makoto swallowed roughly and blinked; maybe this had been a terrible idea. He shut his eyes tight, but the moment Sousuke kicked off and the wind hit him, he felt like he could inhale deeply again. Everything mixed together and Makoto melted against Sousuke’s back; secretly this was all he’d ever wanted: a strong man who smelled like cinnamon and cloves, who was too kind to be real, who was some kind of dream on a motorcycle. The wind through his jacket, biting at his hands until he tucked them into the warmth under Sousuke’s coat, the feel of vibrating metal under him, and everything flying past. Gou would laugh if she saw his face now; there was no reason to hide it, so he let his eyes go a little wet, and he let his lips shake and wobble. He pressed his helmet deeper against Sousuke’s shoulder, the visor lowered now so he couldn’t smell him, but he could remember. 

He wished it was easy, to just let Sousuke love him, to be okay with it, but everything in his life told him it was a terrible idea. Though he couldn’t picture it, he couldn’t help but worry about Sousuke running away, leaving him, fleeing when he found out how possessive and clingy and unconfident Makoto really was. A part of him still didn’t think Sousuke really meant it, because he probably loved an idea he had of Makoto, or the image from Halloween. It didn’t really matter how many times anyone told him differently; sometimes he himself hated that he couldn’t just believe that a man like Sousuke could love someone like him. But, well, one glance could shake him all up again: Sousuke was gorgeous, he was beautifully built, with a tall figure and muscles kissed by god himself, and a smile that could cure cancer. Makoto clenched his eyes and fists. Maybe if his parents met Sousuke, they could steer him the right way. Certainly his siblings... 

He just didn’t want to make this decision himself, even though it was only him who could. He was the only one who could fix his own neuroticisms, who could fix his lack of self-confidence, and who could say yes to Sousuke. 

x

The trip seemed too short, almost impossibly so. They arrived before Makoto had settled his heart, so when Sousuke parked the bike at the bottom of the stairs leading up to his old house, he didn’t move for a long moment. Sousuke pulled off his helmet and rustled his black hair, not able to get off until Makoto did. Without pulling his own helmet off, he slowly sank back against Sousuke, wrapped arms around his chest, hugging his shoulders. A warm hand slowly sank over one of his. 

“Are you nervous?” Sousuke asked, head slightly turned. His voice was muffled through the helmet on the brunet’s head. Makoto shook his head. 

He bit at his lip to keep his nerves at bay; he’d definitely just lied to Sousuke, but he wasn’t nervous for the reasons Sousuke probably thought. What made him nervous now was spending near to a month with Sousuke, having him there all the time, having him close. Celebrating family things with him, knowing he’d imagine... a future. A future he’d never dared dream of before. His parents had silently accepted him when he’d come out, and nothing had changed, but for the first time in ever, he wanted them to be happy for him, so he could be happy for himself. 

He slowly sat up again and pulled off his helmet, climbing off the bike and standing awkwardly on the sidewalk as Sousuke locked the motorcycle up and pulled out the bags from his storage bin on the back, locking the helmets inside instead. He stepped up to Makoto, casting a little shadow, their breaths making the air moist around them. 

“Makoto,” called Sousuke, patient as always, too good for him, or maybe anyone. Makoto moved before he could think twice, grabbing around Sousuke’s back and hugged him tightly. The smell of leather and cologne hit him again, and he shut his eyes as he drank it in. Sousuke wasted no time dropping a bag so he could wrap a free hand around Makoto as well, sinking it into his hair. 

Makoto took a moment, of peace, of calm, of readying himself for the next month. Then he pulled away and nodded, leaning over to pick up the bag Sousuke had dropped. 

“Come on,” he said with a smile that felt real and not hiding anxieties for the first time in a very long while. 

He climbed the steps like he always had, but this time he wasn’t alone, and this time when his parents opened the door, he could grin and say, “This is my friend, Sousuke.”

He couldn’t describe how full it made his heart feel to see his parents happily welcome Sousuke, to fall in love with him, to have his siblings climb all over him in an instant. Makoto had to stand back and watch it all happen with wet eyes. Dinner was loud and boisterous and crazy, but Sousuke was easily molding himself into the family, and Makoto felt his heart squeeze as he watched silently. 

He nearly cried when he saw the futon laid out beside his bed, lovingly by his mother. He meekly climbed in, and when Sousuke came back from his bath, he offered the other his bed. Sousuke sat down on it, quietly drying his hair as he leaned onto his knees. 

“Your family’s great, Makoto,” he said, breaking the stillness of the room around them with his pleasantly low voice. Makoto peeked up over the edge of his blanket, trying not to ogle as he took in Sousuke with wet hair, dressed in plaid pj pants and a white tee. He looked so soft, perfect. 

_You’re the one that’s great_ , Makoto thought, but Sousuke interrupted his thoughts. 

“I can see a little bit of you in all of them.” He tilted his head then and smiled down at Makoto, and Makoto thought it should be illegal. He’d always felt the least like the rest of his family, but Makoto couldn’t help but believe in his words; he wasn’t lying, or just trying to say something nice. 

“Sousuke,” Makoto whispered, feeling his own truths bubble up. “I’m glad you came. I’m glad... you’re here...”

Sousuke smiled again, taking his wet towel to hang in the bathroom before coming back to sink to the bed again. He laid down until all Makoto could see were his eyes, his head rested atop the pillow and shoved to the edge of the bed. 

“I can’t say what it means to be here,” he said finally. “Thank you so very much.”

Makoto burrowed under his blanket and clenched his eyes shut. He himself couldn’t begin to describe what having Sousuke here was doing to him, to his heart. Above him, Sousuke shifted in his old bed.

“Good night, Makoto,” came that low voice after a bit of silence.

“Good night,” Makoto choked back. “Sousuke.”

For a long while he listened to slow, heavy breathing. Nothing could have prepared him for having Sousuke, who had only been a fever dream a few months ago, sleeping in the same room as him, in his old bed. He was so happy that his family loved Sousuke and that Sousuke was so comfortable with them. It made Makoto’s heart soar like nothing ever had. 

Sousuke made him feel like he could fly. 

_I love you_ , he thought as he listened to Sousuke’s breathing, slowly falling into a deep sleep himself, filled with dreams of Sousuke, of a future, of happiness. 

x

Makoto’s mom sat at the kitchen table as he poured himself some cereal, swirling her coffee around in her mug in almost slow motion. Sousuke and the twins were still asleep, Makoto’s father at work, and the house was quiet. It had been a few days now since they’d come, and it seemed almost natural for Sousuke to be here, like he was just another family member. It struck Makoto as pleasantly odd how quickly everyone had pulled him into the fold. 

Makoto knew what the slow swirling drink meant, the deep stare, the silence. He gingerly lifted his very full bowl and tiptoed to the table where she sat in socked feet. The first morning when Sousuke had awoken and seen him moving around quiet like a mouse, with his wool long socks bunched around his ankles and his pajama pants tucked into them, he’d pulled this face like he was trying not to laugh, his eyes going all soft and gooey. It had been happening a lot lately, and as mystifying as it was, Makoto adored it when Sousuke looked at him like that. He didn’t want to delve into how wonderful it made him feel; he wasn’t quite ready to feel that wonderful yet. 

“So,” said his mom, and he knew it was coming. He bit up a huge spoonful of his sugary cereal that his mom spoiled him with, and watched her from the corner of his eyes, to let her know he was at attention. “Are you dating Sousuke?”

Makoto set his spoon down with a clatter, roughly swallowing his cereal. “No, Mom!” he sputtered out as he turned beet red.

“But you want to,” she quickly countered, and he grabbed his glass of water and took a few long gulps of it. 

He swallowed, wondered what the chances were of getting away with a lie, decided in the end on, “Who wouldn’t?”

She eyed him up and down, scrutinizing, until he weakly met her eyes. 

“Mom, I-“

“No, honey,” she said immediately. Her whole face lit up in her warm smile, the one that she reserved only for her family when she was feeling particularly in love with them, which was, to be fair, very often. “I think he’s wonderful.”

“Well, of course he is-!” he laughed out awkwardly, cheeks so hot now. She kept smiling at him, but he averted his eyes back to his breakfast, nudging his spoon against soggy sugar bits. 

“More than that, Makoto, you’ve changed a great deal, in a really good way, and I think- it’s a lot to do with that boy, isn’t it?”

Makoto nodded meekly, feeling suddenly very overwhelmed by the amazing person that was Sousuke, wondering still how much he’d changed and if it was _enough_

He wanted it to be. Over the past few days, the want had grown inside him; he wanted to be ready already. Looking at Sousuke recently made him painfully impatient at times. He bit at his lip, glancing up with wet eyes to his mother, whom he adored, who had always been his strength and guiding light. 

“Mom, I don’t deserve him, in any aspect,” he confided, to which she immediately clicked her tongue. 

“Who told you such lies? I know it wasn’t this family.”

No, it wasn’t. It was himself. It was society. He smiled placatingly at her, his lips shaking. She scoffed, scraping her chair closer to his and pulling his head into a hug. He shut his eyes immediately, sinking against her warmth. 

“Darling, you’re so wonderful, and I’m happy that you’ve found someone just as wonderful.” She paused for a moment, her voice growing softer. “I know Dad and I don’t say it a lot, but we’re proud of you, of who you’ve become, who you’ve always been. More than anything, we want to see you be happy, to have someone. I think you know very well how much we’ve come to love Sousuke.”

He nodded against her chest, overwhelmed again. Hot tears leaked down and into her sweater. She kissed his hair, mussed it lovingly. 

“Makoto, you deserve all the happiness in the world, and I’m not just saying that because I’m your mother. You are kind and caring, gentle, funny, and so handsome.”

He groaned at her, but let her continue. 

“Darling, you’re too hard on yourself. You’re so cute! You have a lot of people who are rooting for you, for your happiness.”

He was ready to pull away and dismiss it all mostly as the ramblings of a mother, but he froze when she said, to end it, “You have permission to be kind to yourself and have what you want.”

No one had ever given him permission before, and it seemed so weird and strange, but something clicked inside him, and he realized he’d never even granted himself the permission to be happy, to find happiness. He’d taken what was being given to him and fumbled around with it, feeling unworthy, and in the end losing it all because he’d never allowed himself to just... accept the good things. 

But, in the same thread, he’d also never had someone like Sousuke who made him want to fight for what he wanted. Sousuke made him believe that he could have it at all, that he was worthy of it. In Sousuke’s eyes, he was maybe even overdue for it. The realization made him shut his eyes and bark out a laugh. Something overflowed in his heart, warm and gooey. 

“Mom,” he whispered, overemotional. “Mom, Sousuke has done so much, he’s always tried his best to make me see the good in myself. I’m sorry that I never-“ He bit at his lip; it was still so hard to say, that he’d treated himself so terribly for all his life. He still wasn’t sure if he truly believed he was something as wonderful as Sousuke seemed to think he was, or even his mom, but he could believe, maybe a little, that he was kind of cool. 

He laughed again, through the tears. To think that his train of thought was now so different than a few months ago. “To be honest, I’m still not quite sure I deserve him, but, Mom...”

She giggled then too, shushing him softly, kissing at his ear. 

_I love him so. I want to try until I do deserve him, if I ever can._

Footsteps padded behind them, Makoto’s mom turning her face up. 

“Good morning, sleepy head,” she greeted. 

It wasn’t until a low, sleepy voice called out softly, “Morning,” that he even considered it could be Sousuke. He sat up and rubbed his long sleeve roughly over his face, but one look at his mother trying to hold in a smile told him it was so obvious he’d been crying. He huffed, glancing up at Sousuke. 

In all of his glory, he leaned against the kitchen counter, arms folded, eyes on Makoto. There was the softness again, that utter warmth. Makoto balled his fists inside his large sweater, shoving his head down to his chest like he had no neck, blushing, though it was moot for the red already on his face from his crying and rubbing. Slowly Sousuke’s lips pulled up into a sweet smile, Makoto trying to creep his face into the collar of his shirt to hide. 

His mother stood, asking Sousuke what he’d like for breakfast as she passed him, and Makoto pulled out long enough to mouth, “Spoiled,” to Sousuke. The other took that opportunity to slide into her old chair, reaching a hand out with a soft grin to caress his heated cheek. 

“Morning,” he murmured with something that could only be love coloring his voice. Makoto turned a deeper shade of red, to the tips of his ears. 

“Oh my god,” he hushed into his shirt and he struggled to hide back inside. Sousuke just grinned at him. There was a glance to the right, to the kitchen, and then Sousuke moved quick, darting in towards Makoto, combing his hair back and planting a peck against his temple. Then he was sitting back down like nothing had happened, responding to Makoto’s mom like Makoto wasn’t turning into a puddle of lava on his chair, grinning like he wasn’t super proud of being the cause of it. 

Makoto almost wondered if Sousuke hadn’t just heard his entire conversation with his mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Mario voice: Here we go!


	7. Chapter 7

Running around his hometown was so familiar and strange. Sousuke spent half his time gazing out over the sea, and Makoto spent that same time staring sideways at Sousuke. The few times Sousuke caught him, he grinned at Makoto and seemed to enjoy watching him turn red. 

A few feet away from the steps leading up to Makoto’s house, there was an alley with a small vending machine and a bench, and Sousuke had spotted it on one of their first runs. He slowed now, glancing at Makoto. 

“Want a drink?” he asked even as he began to head towards the little side road. 

Makoto just silently followed, didn’t argue when Sousuke bought his drink. At this point, a drink seemed moot. The taller man sat down heavily on the bench with his own drink in hand, and Makoto shuffled his feet through the collected snow, looking up at the sky that was quickly darkening. They’d shifted their morning runs to night runs, since Sousuke apparently was not a morning person at all. Makoto had teased him endlessly when finding out, and once in a while he still chuckled when Sousuke sauntered down an hour or so after everyone else. 

Silence fell over them like a heavy blanket, but neither did anything to fill it, only the soft shuffling of Makoto’s feet in snow and their breathing filling the peaceful air around them. 

“Thank you for bringing me here, Makoto,” Sousuke said softly, quietly breaking the silence. Makoto paused, slowly looking down from above. There was something in the other’s voice that had made him turn to look at Sousuke, and when he saw the heavy shadows over his face, he gripped his can tighter, unsure what to say. “I’ve really had so much fun.”

“I’m glad,” whispered Makoto, not sure what else he could say in response, or what Sousuke wanted to hear him say. “I’m glad you came,” he added almost too quietly, but Sousuke’s eyes drifted up and Makoto knew he’d heard him. His pained smile said it all, and Makoto blinked down at him in confusion and a desire to fix what was plaguing Sousuke. If it was all he could ever do, he wanted to ensure Sousuke never smiled so sadly like that ever again. 

“Can I-“ Sousuke began, voice louder, but he stopped, looking down and shaking his head, laughing bitterly, but Makoto slid onto the bench next to him and whispered, “Yes, you can.”

Gorgeous aqua eyes looked up, and Sousuke murmured, “You don’t even know what I was gonna ask, and yet you’ll give me permission so easily.” He forced out a smile, but Makoto frowned. 

The truth was that it didn’t matter what Sousuke had meant to ask, Makoto would let him do anything. He pursed his lips together, averting his eyes so his thoughts didn’t show loud and clear in them. The truth was that he would do absolutely anything for this man. Sousuke fell silent. 

After a long while, he finally spoke again. “This has been so good for me, to see that there are people who love you so much, that they can so easily accept me,” he said with a smile, though it quickly waned. “Your family has done more to show me love in these few days than my own... has ever done.”

Makoto’s eyes jerked back to Sousuke, but the other was facing forward and leaning on his elbows, face hidden again in shadows, can clutched in big hands. Makoto’s fingers ached to take Sousuke’s hand. Instead, he let Sousuke talk; he’d never heard anything about Sousuke’s life outside of school, about his past. He’d never dared to ask either, but Sousuke had been quiet about it until now. 

“My parents, though I’m sure in their own way they care for me, never showed me much interest. They certainly don’t know I’m gay, like your folks do, nor would they care to know until it came time to marry me off. I was raised all my life with one goal: to succeed my father, to make money, to be successful in business. But they never taught me how to just enjoy my life, or how to love. I had to learn those things myself, and I’m glad I did, because I think it gave me the tools I needed in life. But my home is suffocating, and the life they want for me bores me to tears.”

Dark eyes turned to take Makoto in, Makoto who couldn’t hide his sadness for Sousuke. 

“I would trade all the money in the world to just be a part of what you and your parents have. All the wealth my dad has worked so hard for, I don’t want it. I just want... warmth, and acceptance.”

Makoto pursed his lips, whispered into the silent cold, “You can always have that here-“

Sousuke shifted up, smiling painfully. “I can’t ask you for forever, I have no right, but I’m grateful for now and every moment after this.”

That didn’t... sit right with Makoto. His whole face pulled into an angry frown, and he wasn’t even aware of it until he saw Sousuke’s eyes go wide. He had thought that Sousuke wanted forever. He wanted Sousuke to want forever, with him, together. He’d worked so hard so they could have anything at all, and finally he’d seen the possibility of their future. He turned his face away before the tears could fall, his shoulders shaking. Silence, now stifling, settled over them again, and Sousuke seemed frozen. 

“Makoto, I-“ he whispered after a long while, distraught, and that’s not what Makoto had wanted. He whipped his head around, gasped silently when he saw Sousuke’s wet cheeks. He moaned and reached up to hurriedly wipe tears away, but warm, large hands caught his own, held tight to them. Green eyes swiveled up to captivating turquoise, Sousuke holding him with his gaze. Voice beautiful and breathless, Sousuke said, “While I have no right to ask you for forever, there is nothing that I would want more, than a forever with you.”

Makoto’s bottom lip shook so violently that he had to gnaw it between his teeth. He pushed a hand forward to try to smack Sousuke lightly, but Sousuke held him tight. “Sousuke, I-“

“Do you get it?” he interrupted, eyes shining in the dark creeping over them. “Do you see it now?”

Makoto pulled back, shook his head in confusion. Sousuke let him go, the heat of his hands leaving to return to his lap. He turned to face forward again, leaning back to look up at the sky above. Stars reflected in his eyes, and Makoto couldn’t breathe at the beauty of Sousuke bathed in starlight. 

“All I’ve ever wanted to show you was how wonderful you are, how special. You’re unique and kind and much better than people deserve. You’re too hard on yourself all the time, and I wish you could see,” Sousuke rolled his head around, looking Makoto slowly over. “I wish you could see yourself the way I or anyone else sees you.”

A big hand reached up and nuzzled softly to Makoto’s cheek, thumb caressing his skin softly. This touch was all he’d ever wanted, and he melted into it. The look in Sousuke’s eyes made Makoto really believe it. With his newfound permission, with Sousuke looking at him like he was pure gold, he felt he had started to believe, for the first time, that he was actually someone that other people could love, not because of what he could provide or the things he could do to help others, but just because he was Makoto. It was strong, the desire for Sousuke in particular to love him because he could, and not because he had to. He clasped his own cold hand fully over Sousuke’s on his cheek, shut his eyes tightly as tears burned. 

“That first time I met you, I fell in love with your sexy, confident side, but I didn’t even recognize you when we met again. In a way, I’m very glad for that though. Because meeting you again without knowing you were that beauty I’d slept with, made me fall in love with your shy, sensitive, kind side. I fell hopelessly in love with the Makoto that you are, and it makes me want to bring your confident, sexy side to life again. You make me want to see you bloom in all kinds of ways, because you are so amazing, you deserve to treat yourself much kinder than you do.”

Tears were streaming now, Makoto overemotional, but neither of them moved to wipe the tears away. Makoto had spent all of his life believing he was less than, that he wasn’t worth the time, and while there were people who had always told him otherwise, his own voice had been too strong. So why was it that Sousuke, for the first time in his life, could speak over his own voice, could speak to his worth, to his soul?

“I always thought I needed someone always with me to convince me I was good enough, but I don’t think I need someone like that anymore. I think now I want... I don’t want you to leave my side. I want you... with me. I want you to stay beside me because you want to, because I want you to. Forever-“ Makoto’s voice cracked on the last word, tears rushing. He hadn’t even considered that needing someone to fill the emptiness he himself had created was a bad thing. But it had been a crutch all along, to hold up his crippling self-doubt and over-deflated confidence. 

For the first time in... ever, he felt light. He felt like he could be happy, by himself, for himself. And with that came something that wasn’t love based on need, but love based on want, something purer, something selfish. 

“Sousuke, I’m sorry it took me so awfully long, but...” Their eyes met, Makoto blinking through his tears, voice failing him when it counted. “I -ove you- I love you-!”

“Is that a yes?” whispered Sousuke in near disbelief. Makoto felt a laugh of nervousness, or happiness bubble up inside himself. Tears flowed like they hadn’t before, but there was something else even more important he had to say, something to get through his choking and sobbing. 

“Thank you for helping me love myself-“

Warm hands cupped his whole face, pulled him closer. Makoto’s breath caught as he waited for the kiss, but Sousuke was too kind to just take it. His aqua eyes melted as they asked Makoto for permission, as they waited for Makoto to ask for what he wanted. 

“P-pl-ease, kiss m-me, Sou-“ His fumbling words were cut off in an instant by plush lips, by heat and love and something overwhelming rushing over him. This was love, unrestricted by worry, of not being good enough, of doing something wrong. For the first time in his life, there was someone who wanted to go out with him, who would forgive his faults and shortcomings, who didn’t care, who saw him neither because of those things or in spite of, but as the whole package that was himself, as wonderful and beautiful. Sousuke was... an existence beyond words. He was far too kind and good and sweet for someone as silly as Makoto, but Makoto was so, so glad that Sousuke had picked him anyways. 

They pulled back, lips wet and faces messy, and Sousuke looked beautiful. His eyes shone in the low light, his lips pulled up into the widest smile. Makoto gripped at the edge of his jacket sleeve, tilted his head for another kiss, waiting for words. He wanted Sousuke to ask him again, to tell him again. 

And he did.

“Makoto, I love you. I adore you. Please, please don’t ever change. Please let me show you how perfect you are as just... Makoto.”

“Don’t you want me to be sexy and confident,” Makoto pouted, a little playful, a little breathless.

Sousuke’s dark brows knit together, as he nuzzled his nose closer, as he whispered, “What do you mean? You already are.”

Makoto jerked back, blinking wide, and Sousuke grinned up at him. 

“Makoto, you’ve never changed. I’ve seen flashes of the confident you, seen your sexiness when you weren’t even trying. It’s a part of you, if you would just let yourself be those things.” He smiled wide, his thumbs rubbing deep into the plush of Makoto’s cheek. 

“I don’t believe you,” whispered Makoto fiercely. 

Sousuke leaned closer, voice suddenly low and sultry. “I can show you.”

Makoto shivered audibly, shaking and melting against Sousuke, wanting so much more of this crazy, wonderful man. 

“Sousuke-“ he choked out, but the other pulled back, smiling sweetly again, warm eyes, kindness. 

“Hey, Makoto. Would you do me the greatest honor of dating me? Of being the love of my life? Would you want to try... for forever with me?”

His tears were hot against his cool cheeks, smooshed between warm hands, so close to the only man he’d ever loved so purely, with his whole entire heart. 

“Of course! Yes!” Makoto barked out, impatient. Didn’t Sousuke get it? “Don’t ask silly questions,” he pouted. 

Sousuke laughed and kissed his red nose. “Makoto, my darling, will you let me show you how sexy you are right now, and always, to me?”

Makoto crinkled his nose and frowned deeper. He had tears and god knows what else making his face a mess, he couldn’t possibly be- But then Sousuke looked at him with this look in his eyes, the look that made Makoto melt, and his frown folded down into lax lips, into a soft gasp. 

He reached up and clung to Sousuke’s hands, pressed in closer. “Promise me again, about... forever.”

Sousuke laughed, just once, and then sobered up again to whispered seductively, “My darling, my love, the wonder of my life, I swear to you that I will do whatever it takes to follow after you for the rest of my life. Whatever you ask me for, I will always do my best to provide. My mission in life is to make you as happy as you’ve always deserved to be. Your happiness is my own. Your sadness is mine, too. I want to share everything with you, forever, for as long as you’ll allow me to be only yours.”

Makoto choked, gruffed out, “How are you so different than I always imagined but so absolutely perfect?

“You always say these things that blow my mind.”

Sousuke smiled sweetly, but Makoto wasn’t done. He pushed Sousuke away a little, frowned. He wanted Sousuke to get it, too!

“Do you understand that I think you’re perfect- no, that you are!” He scrubbed at his face, exasperated. “You keep asking me for permission and I feel like I’m the one who should be begging you, just, constantly- Why are you laughing?!”

Sousuke rolled his head back and barked out his laughter, wiping at tears as they came. 

“Sousuke!” Makoto whined angrily. “I’m trying to tell you you’re fucking amazing, and you’re just laughi-“

The rest of his words were swallowed up in a wonderfully violent, wet kiss. Sousuke grabbed the back of his head, fingers sinking into brunet scruff, and he pulled Makoto closer, pulled him nearly into his lap with his other hand. Makoto’s hands fell to his bicep and chest and he could swear Sousuke was flexing on purpose. He moaned out a complaint, but opening his lips proved to be his downfall. Sousuke’s tongue slid in quick and quiet like a snake, and soon Makoto was crying again as their tongues intertwined, as Sousuke kissed him like there was no one else in the world he’d rather do this with, like it was Makoto or no one at all. Like he was that... serious. 

Makoto’s thoughts melted to nothingness as he sank against Sousuke’s solid form, as he let the other man pull him apart and shower him with love and then mend him back together with all of these affection he had for him. Makoto felt it thrumming in his veins. 

By the time they pulled back, their eyes and lips were red and wet, and it was so obvious what they’d been doing. Sousuke laughed and pulled Makoto against his chest, turned him as he leaned them back. 

“We can’t go back like this,” he whispered to Makoto’s ear, “so let’s look at the stars for a bit.”

Makoto barely heard anything over the heart thundering against his back and his own in his ears. He couldn’t believe after all of this, that the calm, collected Sousuke was as excited as he was. He smiled into Sousuke’s arm, which held Makoto’s shoulders against the other. 

Sousuke combed his fingers through Makoto’s hair, smiled wryly down at him. “You know, it seems silly now that I didn’t recognize you at first. But, to be fair, you’re way too cute with your glasses on, and all I had in my head was the image of this, like, sex god-“

Makoto elbowed Sousuke and choked, frowning. “I’m not a sex god-!”

Sousuke wheezed and chuckled. “No, but god, you sure can look and act like one.”

Kisses graced Makoto’s cheekbone as he pouted. “You’re the one who’s the sex god,” he tried to bite back. “I mean, that night-“ But his pouting was becoming less and less convincing the redder he turned. 

Sousuke chuckled, low and right in his ear, and he had to fucking know what that did to Makoto. “Did I make you feel good, Makoto? Was I good in bed? Tell me I made you feel like you were flying.”

He was teasing him, but the thing was, it was all true. 

“Sousuke, you big dummy,” he muttered. He didn’t have a ton of experience, but he didn’t need a lot to know that Sousuke was someone who could fuck you and leave you and you’d still say thank you. He was, however much he laughed about it, truly some kind of sex god. 

Sousuke kissed Makoto’s cheek and whispered, softly now, a little sweeter this time, “Shall we do it again one day?”

“Of course we should,” grumbled Makoto. The other man nibbled suddenly at his ear, growling in excitement, and heat flushed over Makoto so suddenly that he trembled. 

“We can’t do it at your parents’ house, but once we get back to school-“ Another low, sexy growl. “Let me take you back to my place and really show you-“

Makoto whirled around, desperate to shut Sousuke up lest he cum from words alone, desperate to kiss the man he loved beyond words. Their lips met, first just a peck to the side of his mouth, but then Sousuke grabbed his chin and planted their lips firmly together, licking Makoto’s mouth open with a needy growl. 

Makoto was breathless by the time they pulled back, weak against Sousuke. 

“Makoto, I love you.”

Green eyes blinked down at Sousuke in a daze. He wasn’t sure why Sousuke was saying it again, didn’t know until he saw Sousuke’s warm eyes, his locking gaze. The way Sousuke looked at him like he held the whole world in his arms was enough to melt ice. Makoto sighed in blissful happiness, still a little bit in disbelief, but so, so happy to prove his old self wrong. He reached up and cupped Sousuke’s face, caressing his cheek. 

“I love you,” he whispered back. 

They snuck back inside a quiet house, unaware of Makoto’s mother watching them, knowing very well what they’d been up to, as she sat silently reading under a small lamp in the living room. She wouldn’t tell them she’d seen them, that she’d been waiting for them to come home, worried. She wouldn’t tell them yet that she was so happy for both of them, that she couldn’t have picked a better person for her son. She would just smile knowingly down at her book, stuffing her bookmark in and moving on quiet feet to the room she shared with her husband. 

Makoto sank down on his bed after his bath, wearing another baggy sweater and pajama pants tucked into wool socks. He dried his hair slowly, could feel eyes watching from behind his back. He stood to put his towel in the laundry pile, shuffled back to his futon on the floor, but he didn’t move to lay down on it yet. He shuffled his hands and feet, then made up his mind before he could discourage himself, jerked forward, hands landing into his mattress as he sank down to kiss Sousuke quickly. 

But Sousuke had been waiting for him to do just that. He knew it instantly in the way a big hand snuck into his hair and pulled him closer, by the smile that spread across Sousuke’s lips. A hand reached for Makoto’s, snuck up inside his sleeve a little, then scurried down and reached back for Makoto’s hips. He had to pull away from the kiss, but he was on a mission; Makoto caught his scheming little smile. He jerked and squeaked as hands grabbed around his legs and hefted him up into the bed, as Sousuke almost effortlessly pulled him under his sheets and to his body, dipping down into a smooth kiss in the same motion, making Makoto swoon. 

“You’re too suave,” he complained against Sousuke’s lips. Sousuke just kissed him a little deeper in response. 

“You’re too wonderful,” he husked back between deep kisses. 

When they finally pulled a little away, green eyes staring up into aqua in the dark of the room, eyes slowly adjusting, Makoto smiled. For the first time in a very long time, it was a genuine smile. Sousuke caressed his cheek as he acknowledged that fact as well, knowing Makoto so well. 

“Sousuke,” Makoto breathed. 

Gorgeous eyes gazed down at him. “Makoto,” Sousuke murmured. 

Hands cupped Sousuke’s strong jaw, and Makoto smiled a little wider. Lights flashed outside the window, fireworks being set off. Sousuke craned his neck to look up, his face bathed in colored light every few seconds. 

“Happy new year,” whispered Makoto. Sousuke smiled up at Makoto’s window, opened his mouth to give the greeting back, but Makoto quietly interrupted him. “You were the thing I was going to wish for at the temple.”

Sousuke’s head jerked back down, eyes wide. Makoto kissed him looking shocked like that. He smiled proudly, happy. Sousuke growled softly. 

“Let’s go tomorrow and wish for our forever together instead,” Sousuke whispered. Only the popping of the fireworks outside interrupted their quiet moment. Makoto smiled and nodded. 

“You know forever means you’ll have to be reintroduced to my parents.”

Sousuke smiled proudly. 

“And one day, I want to introduce you to mine, properly, the first time.”

Makoto screwed his lips shut, eyes wide. 

Sousuke laughed softly. “Don’t look so shocked. I’m proud of you. I want them to know that there’s only one person in the whole world I’ll ever love.”

Makoto choked on too many emotions. “Let’s start small-“ he begged.

Sousuke nuzzled against the hairline behind his ear and smiled. “Small? Okay, I’ll just hold your hand on campus and kiss you whenever I want.”

“In public?” Makoto squawked in horror. 

“Yes, in public,” Sousuke laughed. His tone turned instantly more heated as he whispered out, “I want to make sure everyone knows that you are completely mine. I don’t want them getting any ideas.”

Makoto shook his head, pulled back to protest, but Sousuke just kissed him instead. 

“You don’t even know how adorable you are,” he gruffed against wet lips. “I wish I could tell the whole world that they can’t have you, but I’ll settle for our college campus for now.”

Makoto pulled Sousuke into a hug, to hide his burning face, and to ground himself. He was soaring. It was beyond comprehension to know that Sousuke was so proud of him, so possessive. He hadn’t even seen the need for it, but Sousuke didn’t think like he did. For the first time, Makoto dared to fantasize about what being Sousuke’s boyfriend would feel like. He would never admit it, but he felt so ecstatic knowing that Sousuke wanted to show him off, that he was so proud to call silly little Makoto his own. 

Sousuke kissed his ear and softly wished him a goodnight. Wrapped in Sousuke’s warm arms, Makoto curling his own hands against Sousuke’s strong back, it was easy to believe that this had all been so easy. But he’d worked hard to get here, to make this something that would last. Because Sousuke deserved it; because he was worth it. 

Because Makoto loved him, but he also loved himself now. 

He fell asleep with a heart full and a warmth he’d never known surrounding his whole body. 

*extra*

People bustled around Sousuke as he moved through the streets of the small college town, not minding anyone, head only full of one person. He pressed the two cups of hot coffee to his winter coat and moved through the crowd. He found a small pole to lean against, a perfect view, and he waited.

He could pick him out right away. Red scarf knitted terribly but with love from his younger sister, too long to really be comfortable but still wearing it proudly, happily, navy winter jacket hugging his wonderful frame, tall and lean. His gorgeous face was tucked down a little to preserve heat, green eyes shining, brunet hair styled neatly back. 

Makoto had come so far. From the first night Sousuke had laid eyes on him to now, his transformations had been almost unbelievable and yet wonderful to behold. Makoto seemed to shine with a quiet pride now that had been absent for far too long. Sousuke tucked his own chin down into his matching, terribly knitted scarf, made with love by Makoto’s sister. 

When Makoto was close enough, when he slowed after having spotted Sousuke, shyly making his way over, Sousuke pulled his mouth free from his warm confines and smiled like the whole world belonged to him. 

“Hello, my darling.”

Makoto’s eyes glistened; he still blushed sometimes when Sousuke called him silly pet names, terms of endearment too sappy for a man, but Sousuke found it truly adorable. It was part of who Makoto was, and he hoped he could always make Makoto feel so happy to hear Sousuke call him, to see Sousuke waiting for him. 

Sousuke pressed the second cup of coffee into Makoto’s mittened hands, smiling sweetly at him as Makoto moved closer. There was a quiet quality to the way he showed his affection; the way he stood closer to Sousuke than others, the way he easily moved into Sousuke’s personal space, the way he smiled, unrestrained, unburdened. 

Makoto was beautiful, beyond words. 

“Hi, Sou.”

Another thing he loves about Makoto, his boyfriend. One day it had slipped from Makoto’s lips and since then he’d called Sousuke by that nickname. It was another testament of his love and how far he’d come; it made Sousuke smile and made Gou cross her eyes as he stuck her tongue out. Gou had become overly fond of pretending she was grossed out by their lovey-dovey affection, but she and Seijuro were no better. 

“Congratulations,” said Sousuke as he allowed space for Makoto to step between his legs and lean against him. “How does it feel to finish your last class of college? In a few days, you’ll have a degree to show for all of your hard work.”

Makoto turned his chin up and beamed at his boyfriend. And in front of their whole school and gawking eyes, Sousuke took that chin and kissed Makoto deeply. Makoto smiled into the kiss, all too used to it now. It made Sousuke proud; he loved showing off, loved marking Makoto as his own in these public places, but he loved most of all that Makoto was finally letting him, was enjoying it too. Sousuke knew, not because he was conceited, that Makoto was so proud of him, too. That he would show off Sousuke as his own in a heartbeat, that he was over the moon with pride that Sousuke was _his_. And Sousuke knew Makoto had worked hard to make it happen, to ensure it. It wasn’t like Sousuke had ever planned to go anywhere after the first moment he’d fallen for Makoto, but it warmed his heart in a special kind of way to know that Makoto had thoughtfully worked hard to ensure in their forever. 

Sousuke stood and slipped his bare hand into Makoto’s gloved one, a hand free for each of them to hold their drinks. Together they walked towards the apartment that was the home they shared. 

It hadn’t been a hard decision for Sousuke to stick around the small college town, helped immensely by the amazing job he’d found working in a small bakery as the manager, and by the fact that every day when Makoto came home from class, he could greet him with a smile, a kiss, and a “Welcome home, Mako.”

Without needing to say a word, they walked away from campus, down familiar streets they’d walked so many times, past the library that had shaped the beginning of their relationship, past restaurants and shops where the workers knew them by name. But they had a different destination today, a little farther out, their special occasions spot. 

The small bell rang above the door of the cafe as Sousuke opened the door for his honey, Makoto hiding his happy smile inside his scarf. What had started out as Makoto trying to get back at Sousuke, a cafe far to expensive for a poor college student, had become a place they treasured. They spoiled themselves here on birthdays and anniversaries, and days like today worth celebrating. Well, Sousuke would take Makoto here every day if he could, because every day with Makoto was a day to celebrate; Sousuke grinned as he thought of how Makoto would complain if he said that aloud. Maybe he’d tell him tonight. 

Makoto ordered the same thing he always did, and Sousuke laughed at the final price like he always did, and they sat in the same booth they always had. Makoto unwrapped himself from a mile-long scarf and pulled off his jacket. He wore a soft green long sleeve shirt with black writing on it, a quote from one of his favorite animes, and Sousuke smiled again. Makoto had learned he could meld his new-found sense of fashion with his nerdy love, and from that had bloomed someone who was altogether adorable and sexy. He was so perfectly Makoto, a combination of the man Sousuke had met on Halloween and the one who’d become his partner for the class project. At Homs, he still wore sweats, and he still tucked his pajama bottoms into wool socks, and Sousuke loved him to bits and pieces. The man before him was more perfect than anyone he could have ever hoped to find, better than anyone he could have imagined, and he was always overwhelmed when he remembered that this man _loved_ him just as much as he did. 

Sousuke reached out and caressed his thumb over Makoto’s bare eyes, massaging gently in his temple, one green eye open and staring at him. 

“I’m proud of you,” Sousuke said with a warm smile. “You’ve worked hard.”

A hand cupped over his own and Makoto whispered back, “Thank you, Sou.”

“For what?” grinned Sousuke cheekily, and Makoto quickly countered with a heart-stopping, “For everything.”

Oh, Sousuke wanted to kiss him. His lips itched and trembled with wanton desire. “Ooh, you...” he hushed, voice low and gravely. Makoto nuzzled against his hand, pressed a smile and a kiss to his palm. 

“I love you,” he whispered, illegally. “So much.”

“I love you more,” breathed Sousuke back. 

“Impossible,” laughed Makoto softly. Sousuke unconsciously leaned closer, Makoto watching his every move. 

He didn’t actually think Makoto would kiss him here; he was still shy to be the one initiating, especially in public. But Sousuke also found it terribly unwise to underestimate what Makoto could or wouldn’t do. 

A large menu flipped up to the edge, standing like a screen between the two of them and the counter, and Makoto shamelessly leaned over the table and sealed his lips over Sousuke’s. A gasp of surprise fluttered past Sousuke’s parted lips, a tongue slipping languidly, teasingly over his lips, just shy of his teeth. 

All too soon the menu was down again and Makoto was sitting back like nothing had happened, though there was no hiding the proud smirk he now sported as he casually licked over his own lips. 

“Oh, you,” breathed Sousuke as a caution. Makoto’s green eyes slipped to his own aqua ones and they shared a look, and Sousuke saw that Makoto knew very well what was coming for him when they got back home. Sousuke licked his lips hungrily, wondering why they shouldn’t just ditch now and run to their apartment. The smell of warm food temporarily distracted him, and then he had the pleasure of watching Makoto savor his food and he sank deeper into his seat again. It could wait; he could be patient. 

Patience had won him many good things, and he had never known it to not pay out in multiples in the end. It had gotten him Makoto, it had gotten him his boyfriend as a roommate, and tonight, it would get him with Makoto riding on top of him, rolling his sexy body like he wanted to show off for Sousuke alone. It would get him sweet little moans and glistening skin and hazy green eyes. It would get him Makoto curling against him in the end, letting Sousuke cuddle him and kiss him everywhere, planting marks and licks. 

Patience would get him seeing Makoto graduate, it would see him introducing the man to his parents and in the end, quiet acceptance with the promise that he would work hard. 

It would get him a lifetime with the most handsome, beautiful, wonderful love of his life. 

Patience had gotten him Makoto, and everything else that followed after that was just icing on top of the cake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tacked the extra in with the last chapter, as both were pretty short.
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who’s left me kudos and wonderful comments, I cannot express how much they mean to me 💓 You all are the best 😍   
> I hope you guys enjoyed this story, and please look forward to more SouMako shenanigans written by yours truly 😘


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